Tomhas blinked at her, then blinked again. Oh. Oh. "No," he sighed after a long moment. "No, Ky." His voice was very soft, resigned. "That never helps anybody."
"The Imperial need for control is so desperate because it is so unnatural. Tyranny requires constant effort. It breaks, it leaks. Authority is brittle. Oppression is the mask of fear. Remember that." -Karis Nemik
Ky opened her eyes and nodded gently, still flushing as she looked at him. "I know. I'm sorry. I... thought it'd be the simplest end to all this," she cringed slightly. It sounded so juvenile now that she had to explain herself. "I've been talked out of it now." For now, anyway.
"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus "From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf "A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni [they/he]
"I'm glad of that." He was doing a very good job of appearing calm, but inside he was panicking wildly. Had she really been that badly affected, that she thought that was the answer? Had he not made her feel safe enough here, that she believed her life meant so little? "I wish you'd told me that was what you'd been thinking of doing...I could have helped."
"The Imperial need for control is so desperate because it is so unnatural. Tyranny requires constant effort. It breaks, it leaks. Authority is brittle. Oppression is the mask of fear. Remember that." -Karis Nemik
"I..." Ky shrugged. Was he blaming himself? She didn't mean for that to happen. "Decided on it kind of fast, I guess. It seemed like a good idea at the time."
"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus "From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf "A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni [they/he]
"It's never a good idea," he said firmly. "Never, Ky. Even if it seems like a solution, it often just makes things worse and another life is lost."
"The Imperial need for control is so desperate because it is so unnatural. Tyranny requires constant effort. It breaks, it leaks. Authority is brittle. Oppression is the mask of fear. Remember that." -Karis Nemik
Ky nodded. "I just don't want anyone getting caught in the crossfire because of me... and it feels like the safest option is just for me to... well... I mean, they'll stop coming if I'm not here... but... I guess I didn't really consider how it'd make you feel if I did something like that. It was selfish. I'm sorry."
"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus "From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf "A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni [they/he]
"Not selfish," Gaius corrected. "But not particularly selfless, either. It's a very complicated matter." "Ky." Tomhas looked dead at her, eyes wide and unblinking. "If you start thinking like this again I want you to talk to someone about it, okay? Anyone you trust."
"The Imperial need for control is so desperate because it is so unnatural. Tyranny requires constant effort. It breaks, it leaks. Authority is brittle. Oppression is the mask of fear. Remember that." -Karis Nemik
Absolutely not. She was either going to deal with her feelings on her own; or she was going to act on them. She wasn't going to burden people every time her brain decided to be an asshole.
"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus "From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf "A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni [they/he]
"Do you promise?" She shouldn't have to promise, Gaius thought. That would just make her more anxious when she did think about it, which would lead her not to talk to anyone out of social anxiety, which would perpetuate the cycle. Although it might leave time for someone to find her whome she was struggling to decide.
"The Imperial need for control is so desperate because it is so unnatural. Tyranny requires constant effort. It breaks, it leaks. Authority is brittle. Oppression is the mask of fear. Remember that." -Karis Nemik
Ky took a deep breath. She didn't want to promise. If she promised, then it stopped being an option. She would, ironically, rather die than break a promise she made to Tomhas. But would she rather live than break a promise like this? It seemed trickier.
Still, she couldn't very well say 'no' right now, now could she? Refusing to promise was basically telling him that she was going to act on the thoughts. And that would just worry him more.
And she did feel better now, after talking to Gaius, so maybe she didn't want to do it anymore anyways...
"I don't want to burden anyone," she murmured. "But I'll do better."
"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus "From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf "A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni [they/he]
That wasn't the answer Tomhas was looking for, but he sat back on his heels and looked down. "You're not burdening anyone and you don't have to do better," he reiterated. "You're doing great already. You'd come so far before all that."
"The Imperial need for control is so desperate because it is so unnatural. Tyranny requires constant effort. It breaks, it leaks. Authority is brittle. Oppression is the mask of fear. Remember that." -Karis Nemik
Ky attempted a smile, but it was weak. They'd put in so much time and effort -- her and Tomhas and Anneke and the girls -- to making her be a well-adjusted, pleasant member of the household. And now they were back to Kyber's traumatized ass. "Yeah... I guess this shows I haven't changed as much as we'd all thought. I'm still..." She sighed. "Gods."
"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus "From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf "A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni [they/he]
"Everybody has a relapse now and again." Tomhas gave his own chest an awkward pat. "You have changed, Ky. I've seen you change and I promise it's happening."
"The Imperial need for control is so desperate because it is so unnatural. Tyranny requires constant effort. It breaks, it leaks. Authority is brittle. Oppression is the mask of fear. Remember that." -Karis Nemik
Ky's face was still burning, and she wasn't sure why, at this point. But she nodded. Hopefully he was right. Hopefully there was still hope for her, yet. Hopefully Gaius was right, too, and no one else would get hurt because of her. And hopefully she wouldn't have to burden anyone else by talking through bad emotions like these. And -- and -- "... can I have hug?"
"u and rina are systematically watering down the grammar of yws" - Atticus "From the fish mother to the fish death god." - lehmanf "A fish stole my identity. I blame shady" - Omni [they/he]
His face softened, and he gave her a small smile. "Of course." He wrapped her in his arms, careful not to jostle her stab wound.
"The Imperial need for control is so desperate because it is so unnatural. Tyranny requires constant effort. It breaks, it leaks. Authority is brittle. Oppression is the mask of fear. Remember that." -Karis Nemik
