Two Crows Watch from the Gallows Tree (part 5)

(Aw kiddoooo)

Tomhas headed up to see if Lyra was still in her room. He expected she was; she was only ever in there or in the library nowadays. He still felt terrible about how little time he'd spent with her since bringing her home. Anneke was making up for it a little, he thought, but that didn't make it okay. She needed him as much as she needed her mother.

( :'( )

The tears started a few moments later. She felt so bad. Physically. Emotionally. She couldn't do anything right at all. She'd endangered all of Tomhas and Anneke's immediate as well as extended family last night. And now she'd upset Tomhas even further. And she was so tired.

She curled up on the couch again, this time feeling very, very small.

Tomhas knocked softly on his daughter's door--his former eldest. What a strange thought. She was still his eldest, really; Ky was older but she wasn't Tomhas's first. Only Lyra held that honor.
"Who is it?" came the soft reply. Of course she was already up.
"It's Father." There was a pause, then the sound of bedsheets rustling and a door unlocking. Lyra's face appeared a moment later, and she opened the door for him to come in. Tomhas stepped inside, cloak drawn tightly about himself. "How are you?" was the first thing he asked. She'd never regained the weight she'd lost while at Wolf Keep, and her dollish eyes looked even rounder and glassier in her pale face.
She shrugged, going to sit in one of the armchairs facing the hearth and tucking her legs up under her. "I had a lot of dreams last night," she mumbled. "And I didn't sleep much."
Tomhas joined her and sat in the other chair. "Me either."

She should have just stayed asleep. Fuck the cookies. She should have just come up with a wishy-washy answer about milling about the Keep rather than upset them both. But she fucked it up. Like she fucked everything up. She sniffled, but the tears kept falling.

(The Loquitur Circus, featuring the Amazing Trauma Jugglers)

Lyra gave a small nod. "Is Ky okay?" Tomhas sighed; he definitely didn't think so.
"I don't think so," he mused. "Definitely not. She's shaken. Pretty much right back where she started, I think." Lyra's brow furrowed.
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"Me, too." Tomhas gazed into the fire. "I really messed up, little ghost. With everything. I betrayed you and I wasn't careful enough with Ky, and--" He shook his head. "This isn't yours to deal with. Nevermind."

(hahaha no doubt)

You're so tired, baby girl. Papa's words echoed in her mind and she remembered the feel of his strong arms wrapping around her, shushing her in an attempt to get her to go to sleep when she was as over-tired as she was now. Let Papa carry these emotions for now. Get some sleep. You can have these back in the morning, when we can work through them together.

Lyra was silent for a long moment, and Tomhas knew she knew he was right. She was angry with him, he was sure; who wouldn't be?
"Do you want me to go see her?" she asked finally. Tomhas blinked in surprise.
"Ky? No, she's sleeping. But maybe later. It might be nice for her to have someone her age to talk to, you're right." Lyra simply nodded and looked into the fire.

She didn't have him, either. Her tears were bitter now. The universe was so unfair to her. What had she ever done to deserve this? Why did everyone close to her end up getting hurt? She had a black mark placed upon her -- at this point, the reason didn't even matter. It was there, regardless. And she was just going to keep hurting people as long as she was here. As long as she was alive.

She stared at the window. Would she survive a fall if she jumped out of them?

(Oh no honey)

Tomhas let the room stay quiet for awhile, listening to the crackle of the fire.
"Do you need to talk about anything with me?" he asked at last. Lyra's eyes shifted toward him, then back to the flames.
"No."
Tomhas studied her; she looked so old, curled up on the chair with her hollow cheekbones and furrowed brows. Too old for her age.
"Okay."

(yeahhh honestly writing that reminded me Ky made an attempt a few weeks after she was with Aleth. I guess she should probably have a scar... I'd forgotten about it)

She'd probably fuck that up, too. She had the last time. Then again, she'd lost a considerable amount of blood that time before Yeona found her and could get it stopped. And she already didn't have much blood in her body right now...

Gods.

She wiped at her face, trying to shake the thoughts away. Her killing herself would just upset everyone further. But she wished she hadn't fought yesterday.

(Oh man)

"Why did you send me there?" Lyra asked after another long stretch of their of them talking. Tomhas winced. "I mean, did you really think Uncle Gaius would try to kill all of us?"
"No, I just..." Tomhas rubbed at his face. "I panicked. I have no excuse, Lyra. I should have found another way. What I did has no remedy; I can't make myself better in your eyes because I'm not. I'm just a fool."

She pulled her legs up to her chest, cradling her arm in her lap as she laid back on the sofa once again. She wasn't tired anymore.

Scratch that.

She wasn't sleepy anymore.

She'd never been so tired in her entire life.

Well, she supposed, that wasn't quite true, either. This was so much better than what Aleth used to do to her. She'd never gotten kind conversation after he hurt her; and she certainly didn't get medicine. Or tea. Or the offer of cookies. Things were far better than they were when she was Kyber. She had just gotten entitled the past few weeks and thought she deserved better. When this was exactly what she deserved. She needed to remember that. To stay in her own lane.

"Yeah." Lyra's voice was dull, and that hurt Tomhas more than anything else. There was no pain, no anger, nothing. "Now you're going through another war, this time for me. Aren't you ever going to stop?"
"Hopefully." Tomhas shifted in his chair; this wasn't the conversation he'd hoped to have."
"If you win," she said, "I want Uncle Gaius to get Tarr."
"What do you mean, 'get' him?"
"He doesn't mind blood, so I want him to flay Tarr for me." Tomhas blinked at his daughter, appalled.
"Lyra--"
"I mean that." Lyra looked dead at him. "For what he did to me. I want him flayed, and I want Uncle Gaius to do it."

(haha what a badass we stan)

Ky pulled her sleeve up and looked down at her bruised, swollen arm -- blinking rapidly to slow the crocodile tears that landed on her arm. She sniffled, wiping her face, then swallowed hard as she looked down at her arm.

It didn't hurt anymore.

Maybe the numbing was a blessing.

She'd been bleeding rather badly last night. She bet she could induce that again -- and wouldn't even have to hurt herself to do it. Just "accidentally" open the wound again. Her fingers brushed the stitches. They'd be so easy to rip out.

(Child
Child do not pull those stitches out. Dammit why did he leave her alone)

"I..." Tomhas shook his head, unsure of what to say. He wasn't the victim here; he couldn't very well tell her no. Tarr probably deserved it, too. But did Lyra understand what she was saying? What she would be asking of her uncle? "You can't just skin a Lord," he said lamely, knowing that was exactly the wrong thing to say.