Studio 309

Prologue



05/07/01

I swear that if he ever does it again I will tell. Marcus Reddaman is his name and I hate him.

06/07/01

He did it to them again.

09/07/01

Tonight he told me it was a secret and if I told anyone he would send me back to where I came from. I hate it here, I hate him and I hate what he does. I just want to get out. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away. Run away.

Chapter one


Yori made his way down the busy London street. Even after years of living in the busy capital of England he still found it strange how every person seemed to be in a rush. He was too young to remember Japan, the country he was born in, but in his mind he imagined it peaceful and quiet everywhere, even though he knew full well that wasn’t the case. It was the middle of winter in London and already the layer of snow that had settled had been turned into a brown grey slush on the pavement. Yori was one of the ‘lucky people’ who got up so early he made some of the first footsteps in the snow, to hear that satisfying crunch under his feet made him feel warm inside even though the atmosphere around him clearly made everyone else feel utterly cold. Yori worked at ‘Studio 309’ a small hairdressers that he owned. He wasn’t sure why he brought a hairdressing salon or why he trained to become a hairdresser as it was never in his plans to do so. Despite this he loved his job, he loved his employees and he loved his customers. This morning he had an appointment with his Monday morning regular, Yvette Livingstone. Yvette was most probably in her late thirties, had two children and a ‘fat lump of a husband’ as she put it. For an average looking person, with an average life Yori found her the most interesting client he had, but he wasn’t sure why.
“So, you want your usual trim?” Yori smiled as Yvette trudged into the salon. She smiled warmly back at him as her cheeks went red with the sudden heat of the salon compared to the cold air outside.
“You know me far too well Yori! But today I would like a wash too” She laughed as Yori hung up her coat.
“Ooh someone’s being adventurous today” He replied with a cheeky grin as he sat her at the wash basin. Yvette started her trivial rambling as soon as Yori started washing her short brown hair. For the first time in three years of doing her hair Yori was actually bored by her meaningless conversation and, to his disappointment, her appointment was for an hour.

“If you think for one minute that I’m gonna accept that feeble excuse for not going out with us tonight you have another thing coming” Ryan said in his ‘forceful tone’ down the phone to Yori.
“I mean it I’m real sick” Yori coughed down the phone. He hated Ryan’s party nights out, they ended up with him getting extremely drunk, sick, then feel terrible in the morning, which as he had to work tomorrow didn’t seem like such a good idea. “And, I just don’t feel up to it tonight, next time I promise I will come”
“You said that last time”
“Yeah I know but I mean it this time. Please just go out and have fun” Yori’s reply was the beep of Ryan’s phone being hung up. “Idiot” Yori scowled.

hey there!

haha i liked the last entry of your intro. i don't know why, but it made me smile... heh...

your story seemed kinda clunky in transition. things went from one description or scene to the other awkwardly, such as the description of Yori's snowy walk outdoors to his job. some of the descriptions, too, were a little clunky, like you explained too much of it.

another thing... try formatting more paragraphs. it seems as if some parts of the story are clumped together (like the first paragraph of the first chapter).

hope this helps.

Yeah i get what you mean by the 'chunky-ness' lol, and im now currently looking into re-writing it! Thanks for your comment!
p.s. The last enrty isnt supposed to make you smile hehe, but hey, im glad some people interpret it a different way!

I liked your description of London .

With Yvette, may I suggest that it perhaps it would be better to describe her either after, or during the dialouge with her. At the moment you go from explaining the scene, to Yori's brief backstory, to Yvette. Placing the dialouge before Yvette's description may help to break this up a bit and help it flow better.

Also, when posting here, use block paragraphs (like I am in this post, with a spare line inbetween each paragraph) - indents don't show up here.

Keep on writing .

Im now currently re-writing and doing more of 'Studio 309' and will be posted soon, hopefully later today, thankyou for your advice!

Yori made his way down the busy London Street. Even after years of living in the busy capital of England he still found it strange how every person seemed to be in a rush. He was too young to remember Japan, the country he was born in, but in his mind he imagined it peaceful and quiet everywhere, even though he knew full well that wasn’t the case. It was the middle of winter in London and already the layer of snow that had settled had been turned into a brown grey slush on the pavement. Yori was one of the ‘lucky people’ who got up so early he made some of the first footsteps in the snow, to hear that satisfying crunch under his feet made him feel warm inside even though the atmosphere around him clearly made everyone else feel utterly cold. Yori loved London, he had lived there since the early age of three and still to this day, the sights and sounds excited him as if it was his first time there. His parents originally came to England to find work, because at that time in Japan, work was very hard to find, but it seemed even harder to find in the English capital. His mother was a trained hairdresser, working in Saitama when they left, and after many years of working for other people in England for a measly his mother opened a small hair salon while his father still worked making lawnmowers. Yori worked at ‘Studio 309’ a small hairdressers that he owned. He wasn’t sure why he brought a hairdressing salon or why he trained to become a hairdresser as it was never in his plans to do so. Yet deep down he knew that he couldn’t escape from it, not when every night his mother would come home with yet another hair style magazine and flick through the pages with him. Despite this he loved his job, he loved his employees and he loved his customers.

This morning Yori had an appointment with his Monday morning regular, Yvette Livingstone.
“So, you want your usual trim?” Yori smiled as Yvette trudged into the salon. She smiled warmly back at him as her cheeks went red with the sudden heat of the salon compared to the cold air outside.
“You know me far too well Yori! But today I would like a wash too,” She laughed as Yori hung up her coat. Yvette looked like she was in her late thirties, had two children and a ‘fat lump of a husband’ as she put it. For an average looking person, with an average life Yori found her the most interesting client he had, but he wasn’t sure why.
“Ooh someone’s being adventurous today” He replied with a cheeky grin as he sat her at the wash basin. Yvette started her trivial rambling as soon as Yori started washing her short brown hair. For the first time in three years of doing her hair Yori was actually bored by her meaningless conversation and, to his disappointment, her appointment was for an hour.

“If you think for one minute that I’m gonna accept that feeble excuse for not going out with us tonight you have another thing coming” Ryan said in his forceful tone.
“I mean it I’m real sick” Yori coughed. He hated Ryan’s party nights out, they ended up with him getting extremely drunk, sick, then feel terrible in the morning, which as he had to work tomorrow didn’t seem like such a good idea. “And, I just don’t feel up to it tonight, next time I promise I will come”
“You said that last time”
“Yeah I know but I mean it this time. Please just go out and have fun” Yori’s reply was the beep of Ryan’s phone being hung up. “Idiot” Yori scowled. This wasn’t the first time Ryan had been off with him, and he was sure that it wasn’t going to be the last time either. The problem with Ryan was that he didn’t have a full time job, he worked part time in a shop called ‘Let’s make the wheels go round’ making bicycle wheels. In fact Ryan had nothing to do with the making of the wheels, he just stood behind the till charging ridiculous amounts for the bits of metal and rubber. Yori couldn’t understand how he even afforded to go out all the time; he couldn’t make much money as Yori couldn’t imagine the shop to be a big money earner. But somehow, he managed it.

It was Monday night. Monday night and Ryan found himself partying with Chris…again. He was used to being let down by Yori but for some reason this particular night, it annoyed him.
“You know what wrong with Yori?” He slurred at he hung on Chris’s shoulder. “He’s a tit. That’s right, he’s a tit. He works cos’ he’s got nothing better do to. Bet he hasn’t had a good fuck in years. That’s another thing, he can’t even hold down a relationship cos he’s such a fucking tit”
“Yeah sure thing Ryan…” Chris smiled at his friend “I’m gonna get going now”
“What?” Ryan stood, beer bottle in hand “Yer goin’?!” He wobbled slightly on his feet “What the hell man! You’re my date tonight, yer gonna leave me for some slag?”
“No, but like Yori I have work tomorrow, so do you actually” Chris flung his coat casually over his shoulders “And I would never be your date mate” He laughed.
“Don’t laugh at me you tosser. In fact piss off then, see if I care!” He slumped back onto the bar stool, turning his back to his friend. Chris too was used to Ryan sulking, hanging up the phone in rage, shouting, swearing, he was used to everything Yori was used to. And yet both of them saw Ryan as one of the best friends they had. Chris pondered this as he walked back to his small apartment, where no doubt his girlfriend would be sat on the sofa in her underwear waiting for his return. She would probably be eating ice-cream too, apparently she liked doing that when he had an evening out. Pushing the thoughts of his girlfriend covered in ice-cream out of his mind he thought back to the Ryan situation. It was known to both him and Yori that Ryan was a lowlife, and he would probably stay a lowlife until the day he dies. Maybe Ryan needed help? Maybe not…he sighed and decided that he would pop into see Yori tomorrow on his way home and talk to him about it.

edit: I missed that you had posted a new version of Chapter 1, but I'll leave what I said anyways, perhaps it will still help. Next time, use the 'edit' button rather than reposting. People are used to that method more.

---

Yvette was most probably in her late thirties, had two children and a ‘fat lump of a husband’ as she put it.

Most probably? So then, we don't know for sure? If you 'most probably' know this, and you aren't actually sure then don't tell us.

For an average looking person, with an average life [comma] Yori found her the most interesting client he had, but he wasn’t sure why.

This is sort of...an interesting statement. I haven't read any further but my guess is that this has something to do with the plot. Though it is good foreshadowing, it makes it boring to read.

“You know me far too well Yori! But today I would like a wash too[comma]” She laughed as Yori hung up her coat.

Make sure you punctuate your dialog correctly.

For the first time in three years of doing her hair Yori was actually bored by her meaningless conversation and, to his disappointment, her appointment was for an hour.

its not really good to say that Yori was interrested in her the most, then to say he wasn't. Or, if you are going to tell us he wasn't (and was, for that matter!) tell us why. Why? why why why. You are telling us things, you should be showing us things. It makes the writing lack a quality. SHOW us the story, don't tell it to us.

Ryan said in his ‘forceful tone’ down the phone to Yori.

I'm not sure why forceful tone is in singular quotes, but it probably shouldn't be. And, you would be better off cutting this sentence off at 'said' It makes writing flow better if you don't have action with your dialog tags.

“I mean it I’m real sick” Yori coughed down the phone.

You said 'down the phone' twice. its unnecessary to say it twice, we know he is on the phone. And why would he be talking down the phone? and people don't cough out words, they say them.

So, I've read chapter one and the prologue. I liked the prologue, even though it made no sense. The first chapter was okay, but we don't know anything about the characters yet and you also told us a lot of things, like I said before. You should try to show us more. What does your character look like?Give us more, its so simple and bare that I don't really care what is going on in the characters life, because I don't know anything about him. You need to get your reader to care for your character, and be interested in the story. Fast.

I hope I didn't come off too harsh! Good luck!

Thanks for your comment and no not too harsh atall! Thats what i post it for, for feedback, all is helpful to me! Thanks for pointing out my punctation, i know its terrible my English teacher goes on about it allllllllll the time, im trying to improve..honest! The next chapter im currently writing links into the prologue and Yori is described in detail in that, i deliberatly have left the characters as black slates so i can build on them through out the story, so i hope you read my next post and leave more feedback, as all helps

Miyaviloves

So in the next chapter you describe Yori?

That is perfectly fine, but its kind of a "thing" about writing, you want to introduce your characters as quickly as possible, unless you are going to leave them fairly blank throughout the whole story. because if for these chapters we don't know what he looks like, then we do, it will seem very misplaced and strange. It's just something you might want to think about, its not true for all writing but keeping it this way certainly helps.

Right i have completley re-written this, from top to bottom! So its now completly different. I'm going to post it asap, and i welcome reviews!

Im not posting this as an edit as there is a lot, please read
*************************************************************

Yori made his way down the busy London Street. Even after years of living in the busy capital of England he still found it strange how every person seemed to be in a rush. He was too young to remember Japan, the country he was born in, but in his mind he imagined it peaceful and quiet everywhere, even though he knew full well that wasn’t the case. It was the middle of winter in London and already the layer of snow that had settled had been turned into a brown grey slush on the pavement. Yori was one of the ‘lucky people’ who got up so early he made some of the first footsteps in the snow, to hear that satisfying crunch under his feet made him feel warm inside even though the atmosphere around him clearly made everyone else feel utterly cold. Yori remembered the first time he ever saw snow. He was eight, and for those eight years he had only seen little flurries of snow that left pitiful thin sprinklings along the pavement. But his first proper snow came to at least two feet deep, making it hard for him to open the front door which he needed to open in such a hurry. That was the morning that he couldn’t find them, only their keys left strewn on the front door mat. So off he ran, wrapped up in his pyjamas, bare foot down the street. He shuddered as he remembered the cold ice creeping through his toes, the hot tears falling uncontrollably down his cheeks. And that sickening feeling that every child dreads. Mum and Dad have left me.

Yori loved London, he had lived there since the early age of three and still to this day, the sights and sounds excited him as if it was his first time there. His parents originally came to England to find work, because at that time in Japan, work was very hard to find, but it seemed even harder to find in the English capital. His mother was a trained hairdresser, working in Saitama when they left, and after many years of working for other people in England for measly pay, his mother somehow managed to scrape the money together to open a small hair salon, while his father still worked making lawnmowers. Yori worked at ‘Studio 309’ a small hairdressers that he owned. He wasn’t sure why he brought a hairdressing salon or why he trained to become a hairdresser as it was never in his plans to do so. Yet deep down he knew that he couldn’t escape from it, not when every night his mother would come home with yet another hair style magazine and flick through the pages with him. Despite this he loved his job, he loved his employees and he loved his customers.

This morning Yori had an appointment with his Monday morning regular, Yvette Livingstone.
“So, you want your usual trim?” Yori smiled as Yvette trudged into the salon. She smiled warmly back at him as her cheeks went red with the sudden heat of the salon compared to the cold air outside.
“You know me far too well Yori! But today I would like a wash too,” She laughed as Yori hung up her coat. Yvette looked like she was in her late thirties, had two children and a ‘fat lump of a husband’ as she put it. For an average looking person, with an average life Yori found her the most interesting client he had, but he wasn’t sure why.
“Ooh someone’s being adventurous today” He replied with a cheeky grin as he sat her at the wash basin. Yvette started her trivial rambling as soon as Yori started washing her short brown hair. For the first time in three years of doing her hair Yori was actually bored by her meaningless conversation. Her speech was somewhat slurred, her cheeks were not as rosy as usual. And she had not complained about her husband not once. This was not his usual Yvette. To his disappointment, her appointment was for an hour.

“If you think for one minute that I’m gonna accept that feeble excuse for not going out with us tonight you have another thing coming” Ryan said in his forceful tone.
“I mean it I’m real sick” Yori coughed. He hated Ryan’s party nights out, they ended up with him getting extremely drunk, sick, then feel terrible in the morning, which as he had to work tomorrow didn’t seem like such a good idea. “And, I just don’t feel up to it tonight, next time I promise I will come”
“You said that last time”
“Yeah I know but I mean it this time. Please just go out and have fun” Yori’s reply was the beep of Ryan’s phone being hung up. “Idiot” Yori scowled. This wasn’t the first time Ryan had been off with him, and he was sure that it wasn’t going to be the last time either. The problem with Ryan was that he didn’t have a full time job, he worked part time in a shop called ‘Let’s make the wheels go round’ making bicycle wheels. In fact Ryan had nothing to do with the making of the wheels, he just stood behind the till charging ridiculous amounts for the bits of metal and rubber. Yori couldn’t understand how he even afforded to go out all the time; he couldn’t make much money as Yori couldn’t imagine the shop to be a big money earner. But somehow, he managed it.

It was Monday night. Monday night and Ryan found himself partying with Chris…again. He was used to being let down by Yori but for some reason this particular night, it annoyed him.
“You know what wrong with Yori?” He slurred at he hung on Chris’s shoulder. “He’s a tit. That’s right, he’s a tit. He works cos’ he’s got nothing better do to. Bet he hasn’t had a good fuck in years. That’s another thing, he can’t even hold down a relationship cos he’s such a fucking tit”
“Yeah sure thing Ryan…” Chris smiled at his friend “I’m gonna get going now”
“What?” Ryan stood, beer bottle in hand “Yer goin’?!” He wobbled slightly on his feet “What the hell man! You’re my date tonight, yer gonna leave me for some slag?”
“No, but like Yori I have work tomorrow, so do you actually” Chris flung his coat casually over his shoulders “And I would never be your date mate” He laughed.
“Don’t laugh at me you tosser. In fact piss off then, see if I care!” He slumped back onto the bar stool, turning his back to his friend. Chris too was used to Ryan sulking, hanging up the phone in rage, shouting, swearing, he was used to everything Yori was used to. And yet both of them saw Ryan as one of the best friends they had. Chris pondered this as he walked back to his small apartment, where no doubt his girlfriend would be sat on the sofa in her underwear waiting for his return. She would probably be eating ice-cream too, apparently she liked doing that when he had an evening out. Pushing the thoughts of his girlfriend covered in ice-cream out of his mind he thought back to the Ryan situation. It was known to both him and Yori that Ryan was a lowlife, and he would probably stay a lowlife until the day he dies. Maybe Ryan needed help? Maybe not…he sighed and decided that he would pop into see Yori tomorrow on his way home and talk to him about it.



Part two

Lydia Beckett worked at an insurance company. Her job was to answer the phone, sort through the paper and greet customers with a welcoming smile and a “Hello Sir/Madame” whichever applied at the time. Lousy receptionist job she scowled to herself. The only thing that was actually getting her through today, which was incredibly full or paperwork, was the fact that she was seeing him tonight. He was the one, who was in her picture frame with her. That picture was new on her desk, and she liked saying to the many managers and customers “Yes, that’s me and my boyfriend”. She smiled warmly at the picture; he stood a good head taller than her, which she liked because her last boyfriend was about her height, not enabling her to wear her new healed shoes. He had long black hair, which fell messily to just below his shoulder blades, yet he always had it shoved up awkwardly into some kind of thing he liked to call a ponytail. She liked his style, however he was clearly not the kind of clean cut man she usually found herself attracted to. He had two lip piercing’s, one to the left of his lip and one in the middle, she didn’t like that, when the day finally came that she would have to introduce him to her parents, she would remove them for him if he refused to. It was summer in the picture. She was in her yellow dress with white sandals, she noted that she had taken the effort to curl her short shoulder length hair that day, it looked nice, natural; maybe she would curl it again tonight. He was wearing a white tank top which slightly revealed his toned stomach, and light denim jeans…with those dreaded old sneakers he insisted on wearing all the time.
“Lydia! Bring me those papers!” Her boss called. Thinking time was over.

That is a good piece of work, although double-spacing on paragraphs would make it a whole lot easier to read.

You have missed out some of the commas, but I notice Clau put a lot of them right for you.

The part about Yvette didn't really flow for me, I found it was stiff, you need to put more action into the writing, rather that saying how she did something, show us that she did it.

What has the part about Lydia got to do with anything? Sorry if I'm not getting it, but I'm a bit drowsy today!

Apart from that, it was a good piece, and I hape to read more sometime.

RR*

Lydia is like a main character in it, just i never got to finish part two im still working on it.

Im having a lot of trouble with the Yvette bit, but i also need that bit in the stroy, ergh i really need to sit down with this, just been busy with college. But its Christmas break now so i can really get this thing going