Maqur Isles

The island layed in the center of an archipelago ring. It was vast in length and width, and many creatures thrived on it. If one had a birds' eye view, it would look something like an egg stashed in a nest of pebbles and blue silk. There were four regions, all which harbored several villages. These villages belonged to the clan of the region. Four clans, all against each other. This is their history.


History
The Prolouge of Maqur Isles

Chapter One- Man Kind

The shadows danced in the trees, forced back by the small fire. Ten faces were lit up by the traversing flames. The majority of them had soft brown skin, with black locks of hair. They were staring at a cloaked figure, who was remaining abnormally still.

Finally, with one quick motion, it swept off it's hood to reveal a pale female face with waves of silver hair falling down her shoulders. All excess noises stopped immediately, even the crickets stopped chirping. The dense forest around this small clearing grew still as every breathing creature listened in apprehension.

"This story isn't one of the unknown and fantasy." A low, quiet voice began. "But instead one of adventure, passed down through the generations. The history, so said, of Muraq Isles." Still no one spoke, it seemed as if everyone's heart had stilled. And with a sweeping gaze that changed nothing of her head's position, the woman began.

"Of all the creatures on and around the large island, the most feared were the dragons. Masters of the sky, the land, fire, and the sea. They ruled over the creaures in triumph.

But one day a new creature was born. With no scales, feathers, or fur. It walked on two feet and had front paws that could grab fruit from trees and slowly it dominated the land. Furious, the dragons confronted the creature. But he had possessions as sharp as their claws; shorter and longer. When the eldest dragon landed he did not hesitate to kill him. More enraged than ever, the dragons flew down around him.

"Man kind!" The screeched. For "man" meant evil in their language, and "kind" meant creature.
"Man kind, man kind!" They roared and hissed causing all the other creatures to recoil to the shadows. But the man kind was not afraid. He held his claws at ready and, for the first time in millions and millions of years, the dragons were afraid.

Opening their wings they took to the skies. The creatures were in awe, and some of them crept forward to investigate. The others slunk after the dragons to the wild. Slowly, the man kind turned to study the animals around him. He claimed them his followers, and exchanged them easy shelter and food in trade for their work.

And so the creatures agreed.
He named them all then set to work building shelters and gathering food. Donkey, Llama, and Horse were all useful for carrying him and supples. Cow, Goat, and Chicken's eggs were useful for food. Wolf stayed by his side and obeyed his words.

Finally, by sunset, the man kind led all the creatures into their shelters, then let himself and Wolf into another.
"Tomorrow you will get food." He promised. But when that day came he worked them all and only fed himself and Wolf. Again he led them into their shelters, saying the same words.

But the next day was as the last one. Finally the creatures left, telling him to do as he pleased, but without them. Only Wolf stayed by him. For several days he worked alone, building some strange fixture. And by the last day he went back to the animals.

He told them that he was sorry, and he had food waiting for them. Some were still weary, but after a quick gathering they decided to follow him.

And so he led them into a fenced in area, with heaps of food in the middle. Excited, the animals rushed forward, only to have a door swing shut behind him.

When he closed te gate only he could lock or open it. He laughed at them, telling them how foolish they were. He then went to his daily duties. Slowly he mastered the creatures and used them in his work. Only Wolf did not have to be caged in, always loyal and docile.

This was how man kind lived for many years, but he did not know of the dragons' planning."

Her voice faded off, leaving the crickets to start chirping, and the insects to start buzzing again. With muted steps the woman stood up and hid her face in the shadow of her hood again. No one moved as they watched her step over the log that had been her seat and walk down a nearly concealed path. And with unknown obediance the others stood up, put out the fire, and followed as their voices slowly came back to them.

Broken Wings,

This story certainly has potential, but I am afraid that there are some things that struck me odd. There are grammar errors that can be discovered with a thorough revision and I'm sure you would have no problem identifying them.

What I didn't like unfortunately is that description was lacking.

Describe the island. What does it look like? What is the climate?
Adding description of setting here will enhance the atmosphere and mood, which is something that I look for in a piece of work.

Work on the characteristics of the creatures. I want to know what they look like. A better description would help.


I hope I was of some assistance. I understand that this is a prologue and therefore my comments on setting, description, etc, may not necessarily be needed as of yet. Work on grammar for now.

Nice start.

J.

This is a piece that requires some work. It's kind of plain, and not to be a jerk, but boring. You do need to fix up the grammar, that distracts from the story big time.

It had an area of thirty or so miles.

This is too mundane. Perhaps use a descriptive term instead of a quantitative (measured amount) term.

like an egg nestled in a nest

That's redundant.

"Man kind!" The screeched. For "man" meant evil in their language, and "kind" meant creature.
"Man kind, man kind!"

I liked this part, I just didn't want you to think I was saying the whole thing was bad.

But the next day was as the last one. Finally the creatures left, telling him to do as he pleased, but without them. Only Wolf stayed by him. For several days he worked, and by te last day he went back to the animals. Tricking them into following him, he led them into a fenced area.

When he closed te gate only he could climb out and lock or open it. He fed them, then went to his daily duties. Slowly he mastered the creatures and used them in his work. Only Wolf did not have to be caged in.

All right... confusing, sloppy, rushed. Sorry, but this needs major revision.

The whole piece has the feeling of an origin myth. This is not really a good thing unless your purpose is to write an origin myth. If this were to be expanded into novel or story form, this whole chapter would be considered an infodump. Try to stay away from that.

Hopefully this crit is not too harsh. Good luck in fixing it up. Feel free to PM me if you fix it up and need more advice.

JStewart wrote:Broken Wings,

This story certainly has potential, but I am afraid that there are some things that struck me odd. There are grammar errors that can be discovered with a thorough revision and I'm sure you would have no problem identifying them.

What I didn't like unfortunately is that description was lacking.

Describe the island. What does it look like? What is the climate?
Adding description of setting here will enhance the atmosphere and mood, which is something that I look for in a piece of work.

Work on the characteristics of the creatures. I want to know what they look like. A better description would help.


I hope I was of some assistance. I understand that this is a prologue and therefore my comments on setting, description, etc, may not necessarily be needed as of yet. Work on grammar for now.

Nice start.

J.

I'll work on the grammar.

As for the description part...it isn't supposed to be that descriptive. It's basically how a speaker (storyteller) is saying it in the present day, on Maqur Isles. They cannot describe that many things because they are not sure of what they looked like. And they fear mistakes.

Further in the history, and the actual story part itself will definitely have much more description and color. As for now, it is simple like folktales one must tell to keep themselves and others entertained around the fire.

Thank you for your suggestions, I'll definitely use them in the future
--Wings

Okay, a couple of things, I would not recommend you use this as your opening unless you make it an immediate scene. You may ask what is an immediate scene? An immediate scene means that everything is happening in real time, really there. How you're telling it right now is from the omniscient point of view in more of a narrative summary format. Which means-you're not telling it from any character point of view at all and you are also telling (in narrative format), rather than showing. This can be either good or bad. Writers back in the 19th century got away with telling rather than showing and a lot of narrative summary, but nowadays our readers require and ask much more from us (the writers). They want to feel the character's emotions, they want to be there at the scene.

Narrative summary has its time and place, but I don't feel your opening is the right time or place for it. I would open with an immediate scene and some sort of intrusion on the world, some sort of immediate conflict. You basically explain everything to us and don't give the reader anything to wonder about. You need to recognize that readers like to wonder and be curious about what is going on. We like to analyze and ask questions.

Okay, now that we've gotten the main problems out of the way, I've noticed that you stated in one of your responses that this is from a 'storyteller's point of view'. That's perfect, if it is from that point of view than you need to build a framework around him telling the story. You need to show that he is telling the story. Give him a voice. Make it dialogue (dialogue is a way of showing things). Give us beats. Based on who his audience is, you could have them interrupt him and ask him questions. You can really bring out this entire scene and show it to us if you try. You have a good base here, but now you need to edit your base and make it perfect.

I'm sorry that I'm being kind of vague as to helping you. If I knew more about your story and characters I could help more, but for now my suggestions will have to do. Here's a summary of the main problems...

#1- You're telling us the story rather than showing it.

#2- The reader feels no emotion and right now could careless about this story. You leave us with a question at the end of the first chapter, but why in the heck would the reader keep reading all the way till then? You need to give the reader a reason to read till then.

#3- Right now you're telling this story in an omniscient point of view, but you say in one of your responses that it's from a story teller's point of view (third person), you need to show us that character and give us some emotions. Something we can feel. Make us interested.

I would also recommend you read...Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne & Dave King. This will help you immensely. If you need more detail as to what I'm talking about then just ask. Cheers!

~Aero

Thank you Aero, I didn't look at it like that.

What do you think of adding to the beginning a little scene of the storyteller and the kids gathered around him as he starts telling the story?

Thank you, extremely, for the link too. I'm very, very happy that you commented on my story. You've helped me immensely. I always like advancing.

--Wings

Hey! No problem, glad I could help. Um sure, that would work I think. You really need to portray the storyteller's masterful storytelling skills in how he's telling it. (I'm assuming it's not going to be like an arabian nights type of thing where the whole book is him telling it?) If it is. Then you only need to do an interruption like after a long run of stuff, but even so. You have to have a great voice for him, so it feels like he's telling it, yet that we're still transported into his story. Let me know if you need me to be more specific.

Aero, the whole history part is her telling the story. But, you see, she is so greatly respected that interrupting her in her telling would be very, very rude. Basically no one speaks to her in this particular time.

I added more to the beginning and end, describing the people and Speaker a bit.

I hope it made it slightly more interesting...I'm still working on fixing up this chapter a bit.

--Wings

There are a few grammatical errors, but on the whole it was good. I like the history at the beginning. That really drew me into reading the story. A bit more work could make it really good.

RR*

Okay, I edited it and fixed up a bit of grammar and typoes.

trident wrote:It had an area of thirty or so miles.

This is too mundane. Perhaps use a descriptive term instead of a quantitative (measured amount) term.

I changed that whole first paragraph around a bit.

like an egg nestled in a nest

I changed that also...

But the next day was as the last one. Finally the creatures left, telling him to do as he pleased, but without them. Only Wolf stayed by him. For several days he worked, and by te last day he went back to the animals. Tricking them into following him, he led them into a fenced area.

When he closed te gate only he could climb out and lock or open it. He fed them, then went to his daily duties. Slowly he mastered the creatures and used them in his work. Only Wolf did not have to be caged in.

All right... confusing, sloppy, rushed. Sorry, but this needs major revision.

Yes, it is confusing, sloppy, and rushed. I revised it quite a lot.

This story definitely need more description. In my mind while reading this, I see everything as almost black and white. Also, there are a couple of grammar mistakes. Make sure you double check everything before you post a topic, because many people will post about errors you could have done when you double checked it (or revised, same thing).

red=revision
green=comments

The shadows danced in the trees, forced back by the small fire. I like your imagery Ten faces were lit up by the traversing Traversing is usually used for moving a fairly large distance. I don't think it would work in this caseflames. The majority of them had soft brown skin, with black locks of hair. They were staring at a cloaked figure, who was remaining abnormally still. Since you mention majority, I think it would be fit to describe the other people too

Finally, with one quick motion, it swept off it's hood to reveal a pale female face with waves of silver hair falling down her shoulders. All excess noises stopped immediately, even the crickets stopped chirping. The dense forest around this small clearing grew still as every breathing creature listened in apprehension. Dum-dum!

"This story isn't one of the unknown and fantasy." A low, quiet voice began. "But instead one of adventure, passed down through the generations. The history, so said, of Muraq Isles." Still no one spoke, it seemed as if everyone's heart had stilled. And with a sweeping gaze that changed nothing of her head's position, the woman began. The strangely hooded person is merely a storyteller? At this point, it seems kinda' disappointing

"Of all the creatures on and around the large island, the most feared were the dragons. Masters of the sky, the land, fire, and the sea. They ruled over the creaures in triumph.

But one day a new creature was born. With no scales, feathers, or fur. It walked on two feet and had front paws that could grab fruit from trees and slowly it dominated the land. Furious, the dragons confronted the creature. But he had possessions as sharp as their claws; shorter and longer. When the eldest dragon landed he did not hesitate to kill him. More enraged than ever, the dragons flew down around him.

"Man kind!" The screeched. For "man" meant evil in their language Try putting "in their language" at the end of both translations, and "kind" meant creature.
"Man kind, man kind!" They roared and hissed causing all the other creatures to recoil to the shadows. But the man kind was not afraid. He held his claws at ready and, for the first time in millions and millions of years, the dragons were afraid.

Opening their wings they took to the skies. The creatures were in awe, and some of them crept forward to investigate. The others slunk after the dragons to the wild. Slowly, the man kind turned to study the animals around him. He claimed them his followers, and exchanged them easy shelter and food in trade for their work.

And so the creatures agreed.
He named them all then set to work building shelters and gathering food. Donkey, Llama, and Horse were all useful for carrying him and supples. Cow, Goat, and Chicken's eggs Cow eggs and goat eggs? That what you make it sound like were useful for food. Wolf stayed by his side and obeyed his words.

Finally, by sunset, the man kind led all the creatures into their shelters, then let himself and Wolf into another.
"Tomorrow you will get food." He promised. But when that day came he worked them all and only fed himself and Wolf. Again he led them into their shelters, saying the same words.

But the next day was as the last one. Finally the creatures left, telling him to do as he pleased, but without them. Only Wolf stayed by him. For several days he worked alone, building some strange fixture. And by the last day he went back to the animals.

He told them that he was sorry, and he had food waiting for them. Some were still weary, but after a quick gathering they decided to follow him.

And so he led them into a fenced in area, with heaps of food in the middle. Excited, the animals rushed forward, only to have a door swing shut behind him.

When he closed te gate only he could lock or open it. He laughed at them, telling them how foolish they were. He then went to his daily duties. Slowly he mastered the creatures and used them in his work. Only Wolf did not have to be caged in, always loyal and docile.

This was how man kind lived for many years, but he did not know of the dragons' planning."

Her voice faded off, leaving the crickets to start chirping, and the insects to start buzzing again. With muted steps the woman stood up and hid her face in the shadow of her hood again. No one moved as they watched her step over the log that had been her seat and walk down a nearly concealed path. And with unknown obediance the others stood up, put out the fire, and followed as their voices slowly came back to them. Just a story teller, eh? Eh? Basically a human-history theory lesson + dragons, eh? Eh? Eh?

Other than that, good.