Tenative Chapter 1 for Keeper

I'm concerned mostly with what you're impressions are of the gryphon and the Lord at the end of this piece. Any other technical feedback is welcome.

I will be writing notes on this inside the story, pay them no heed.

The gryphon landed on the grounds in front of the mansion. It was midnight, but the gryphon was confident that he was in the right yard. There were few nobles in this area of country and Reynolds Coat of Arms was gardened into the lawn.

The night was still and peaceful. It was just how he wanted it to stay. If possible, he wanted to be flying before dawn. The gryphon walked across the beautiful lawn and banged the knocker on the door. He kept hammering it, until the door opened. It was a servant.

"I must speak with Lord Reynolds," the gryphon said.

"My lord, Lord Reynolds is-"

"It is all right Norman," A man’s voice said from the top of the stairs. Lord Reynolds descended down the stairs.

“Will the library suit you?” Lord Reynolds asked.

“Lead the way,” the gryphon agreed.

The library was large enough for the gryphon to walk around comfortably. The wall was lined with bookshelves. The guest chairs had been moved to the side, with papers stacked on all of them but one. The one behind the desk bore its master.

“What is your name Lord Gryphon?”

“I’m known as Lord Adair, but you may simply call me Adair. Unless you wish to continue with the usual formalities-”

“I see no need to continue. It can be quite exhausting,” Lord Reynolds stood up from his chair and turned towards the window. “What can I do for you Adair?”

“I’ve come to look for a keeper. I understand you have two sons.”

“Thomas and Ronald; Thomas is the elder,” Lord Reynolds added.

“I wish to meet them soon. You must have questions.”

“A few.”

“Ask then.” Lord Reynolds hesitated.

“What are you looking for?”

“I’ve told you this; I’m looking for a keeper.”

“What are you looking for in a keeper?”

“I will not say. I beg you ask no more on that subject.” Lord Reynolds closed his mouth and turned away to look out the window.

“Tell me about yourself.”

“I am a gryphon in the service of His Majesty King Roland.”

“Is that all you will say on yourself?” Lord Reynolds said, turning back to the gryphon.

“What more do you require?” Lord Reynolds pushed it no further.

“What will the fate of my son be as a keeper?”

“I think you shouldn’t inquire at all. It’s better not to know than to worry.”

“But I do worry. Are the dangers that bad?”

“They can be, but they are few and those moments pass quickly. Being a Keeper is a very challenging job, but it is still a prestigious one. This would not be the case if it was safe.” Lord Reynolds began pacing for a few moments before turning towards the gryphon again.

“What happened to your last Keeper?”

“He is gone, ask no more of him.”

“Is my child safe with you?”

“No, but he will never be in danger without me. Ask your last question.”

“What will become of me?”

“I was wondering when you would ask that question.” The gryphon leaned in and whispered into Lord Reynolds ear. His eyes went wide at the number.

“Are you sure you don’t want both of them?”

“Peace Lord Reynolds, summon them in here and close the door behind them.”

After reading this, I don't know much about Reynolds. From what I've seen, he's an average rich guy with a couple kids. This might have been too short to really see his character come out.

As for Adair, I see him as a military-type guy who is all business all the time.

Thoughout this piece, you repeated the word "lord". It gets annoying; you might want to change or remove some of them. The diaglogue was also a little choppy, and it's sometimes hard to tell who's talking.

Yes ill second that, you could space the dialogue out with some action or POV thoughts, also hinting to some physical characteristics as well.

I'm kind of hesitant to introduce their thoughts at this point. Maybe I'm wrong, but showing their thoughts would be telling. I will show thoughts later, but those thoughts will question motives, not reveal them.

I could insert some physical description, maybe when they enter the library. This would be okay.

I think I'll try to make the gryphon a little more political.

I read it, and I see where you're trying to go but... I don't get a feel for the characters. The dialogue seems very forced, in most places, and in the first couple parragraphs there is a lot of telling where showing would work better.

I I don't know how your gryphons are built, but I'm still trying to figure out how he knocks on the door.

"It is all right Norman," A man’s voice said from the top of the stairs. Lord Reynolds descended down the stairs.

“Will the library suit you?” Lord Reynolds asked.

“Lead the way,” the gryphon agreed.

This part... Well, it kind of confusing, for one. Was Lord Reynolds expecting the gryphon? And the two lines- 'Will the library suit you?' and 'Lead the way' seem unnecesary. You could just as easily gloss over that, since it isn't important.

The library was large enough for the gryphon to walk around comfortably. The wall was lined with bookshelves. The guest chairs had been moved to the side, with papers stacked on all of them but one. The one behind the desk bore its master.

This reads kind of awkward for me. Description in colid blocks like this usually doesn't work very well. This isn't a lot, but it's all telling- it doesn't flow very well.

You may be wanting to wait til later to explain the whole 'keeper' thing, but it might make more sense if you explained just a little about ithere. Why would an evidently self-sufficient gryphon need a keeper? Is it some sort of cultural thing? Elaborate. I guess that's a big thing about this piece, that it feels so rushed.


The entire block of dialogue seems awkward as well. It doesn't seem to make sense- A strange gryphon walks in and says he wants one of his sons to be a keeper? And he doesn't get a little upset, or at least curious? This is where Lord Reynold's character fell flat, in my opinion. Even if he doesn't care too deeply about his sons, you could still elaborate. It's quite funny for a father to describe his son as lazy and good-for-nothing.

If you want to continue with the question/no answer thing, you might want to give Adair a bit of an attitude. Haughty, maybe, or jsut secretive. Of course, he's your character, and you know him and his motives far better than I- But don't forget to tell the reader that character! Not a bunch of intro-spection and the like, but make his personality evident in every word and movement.

“What will become of me?”

This doesn't seem to be quite the right question for the situation... Hrm. 'What's in it for me?' seems too blunt. Perhaps something like, 'Why should I surrender one of my sons to you?' Not a very good example.

“Are you sure you don’t want both of them?”

*cackle* I love this part! Oh, it's just wonderful.

And the last sentence doesn't actually have to be there. I think it would be better to end on Reynolds' line. Because it is awesome. ^^

I'd like to know where this is going. It's very interesting. Just keep working on it, and maybe bring out their characters a bit more.

I love the end...

Ah, so the lack of motive is kind of confusing. The duties of a keeper is explained in greater detail later, much later.

I will try to work in the keeper portion into my next revision.

Lord Reynolds character is flat? I'll try to fill him up some more.

Adair is a gryphon, so I'll try to give him more of an aviator attitude.

I'll post an updated version soon. I'd appreciate any comments on this.

Well, the first thing I have to say is that the chapter is nearly exclusively dialogue. While dialogue is important, you need to do more than have two people talk to have an interesting chapter.

As to the chapter as a whole, you do a great job of implying many things in the world, without ever having to say it. Such as: Gryphons are very prominent in this world, and highly respected; Gryphon keepers seem to share that prestige, though it can be very dangerous; Gryphons aren't too much larger than people, unless nobles at least make their doorwars larger for just such an occasion (or are visits like that common?); and that despite the beak, gryphons are perfectly capable of human speach.

A few things that I think should be added to the peice are some casual physical references, such as between "A man's voice said from the top of the stairs" and "Lord Reynoldsdescended down the stairs" give a brief blip on his looks, like hair, and imply his age. Nothing more than that at the moment. At least imply the age.

A suggestion, instead of having the gryphon have normal human speech, which is what I interpreted, make a quick note as to an accent or something when he first speaks. After all, gryphons do have beaks, which should affect his speech, to my way of thinking.

By the way, how large is the gryphon? Sure, the library wouldn't be a problem, but what about doorways? Just something that came to mind when I was trying to picture the scene.

Now on to the peice.

There were few nobles in this area of country and Reynolds Coat of Arms was gardened into the lawn.

Nice detail. However, I believe it should be Reynold's Coat of Arms, since it is possesive, being his Coat of Arms.

He kept hammering it, until the door opened.

This seems like it's rather urgent, but though he wishes to see the sons as soon as possible, the rest of his manner and speech doesn't imply a great sense of urgency. Perhaps he just continuosly knock on it until it opens, instead of hammering.

I got the impression that Lord Reynolds was expecting the gryphon when he's first introduced, but this is not the case. Perhaps have the lord ask "What brings you to my home?", or something to that extent at first introduction. Then the gryphon could say it was a private matter. Going through it in my mind, that seems a smoother and more logical transition than what's currently there.

The wall was lined with bookshelves.

Only one wall in the library has books? I'd think a library has more than that, like at least three walls worth. One wall just seems to little to call a library. Study seems a more appropriate term with what you've described.

A few times when Adair speaks, you only use Reynolds name on the line, which can be momentarily confusing. Don't be afraid to say "said". To help break up the somewhat monotnous dialogue, have some descriptions of movement. After all, it seems odd that the gryphon is standing still as a statue. And I believe you said something about not wanting to tell the reader their thoughts yet? In that case, give some desriptions of facial emotions. These may be intentionally somewhat misleading if you wish, but I feel there was a minimum of emotion in this scene, especially from the gryphon.

Overall, you seem to express only the information that was absolutely vital to the story, which makes it a tad dull. What you need to do is put in lines that have no relevance to the story themselves, but make the worlds and/or characters come alive. Such as the note on how Adair wanted the night to always be so peaceful. Not immediatly relevant to the story, but it says something about Adair. Like the door scene; does he use his claw or beak to bang the knocker? These little details and observations, as long as they're not overused, should breath more life into your peice.

Well, I thinks that's everything. Sorry if it isn't all that organized, but I'm pretty sure everything's in there somewhere, with some semblance of order. I'll see what you do with the revision.

Well I'm in agreement with pretty much whats already been said. Not really helping, I know. Just wanted to say, 'Tentative.' Check title.