The sun and the sea

well, this is my first post so go easy on me

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The sun and the sea

As I sit alone and wonder,
Letting my thoughts drift into the abyss,
I watch the sun set,
It smoulders in the distance.
The sea reluctantly bids it farewell,
The reflection of its immense beauty fades.
The mesmorising colours in the sea eventually dim,
And as it calms, it sings a soothing song,
To the sky watching above.
The sun and the sea-a sight prevailing over all others.

in_too_deep wrote:As i sit alone and wonder,
letting my thoughts drift into the abyss
i watch the sun set
it smoulders in the distance.
The sea reluctantly bids it farewell
and the reflection of its immense beauty fades.
The mesmorising colours in the sea eventually dim
and as it calms, it sings a soothing song to the sky watching above.
the sun and the sea-a sight prevailing over all others.

Ok...overal i thought it was good as they is a picture being conveyed here. I liked the seventh line ' the mesmerising colours in the sea eventually dim'

On the thrid line 'i' should be a capital

I was wondering whether the part as it calms, it sings a soothing song to the sky watching above should be cut down into two lines, it may make the rhythm flow more as instead.
as it calms, it sings,
a soothing song to the sky watching above
Just a thought though..hehe

A great start though so keep it up!!

your first attempt???? well done!!! If you hadn't of put that bit about it being your first poem I would have totally thought you had been doing this for a while xx
I liked the imagery... I could picture everything you said and I particularly liked the way you had the contrast of the sea and sky... great stuff xx

Much better than the first poem I ever wrote. Seventh line though, "mesmorising" is spelled mesmerising. Otherwise, I thought this was exteremly well done for a first attempt. ^_^ Keep writing!! And welcome to the YWS!

~Yoha

Very vivid imagery. I liked this.

This is very well written. My compliments. I agree with the comments made by the others and there leaves little to elaborate on. I loved the imagery you used and it created a mental picture in my mind.

Well done.

J.

Thankyou all very much for your comments, they are much appreciated

I have to agree that this is very good for a first poem! I'm impressed.

However, I also have to mention a few negatives...
As previously mentioned, your 'i' in line 1 and 3 needs to be capitalized.
And I wonder if you could take out 'And' at the beginning of line 6, it would enhance it I think.
Maybe also in like 7, remove 'the' and 'eventually'. Your lines just seem to get longer the farther along you go...just watch that!

But, overall...impressive job!

Yes, very good imagery. I liked it very much. I very well written first attempt!

Just to be picky, I believe that the first letter of each line should be capitalized in poetry.

Keep up the good work. You're doing well for a first-timer.

This was pretty good for a first post-poem-whatever-you-want-to-call-it. I could totally picture what you were describing, but I had one issue with it...It didn't seem to start, and it didn't seem to end. It was just a description. But really good imagery.