blow (don't read this if youre innocent)

I think it could have been shorter with just the more essential parts so that the rhyming would seem less forced. But then again I really like the way the rhyming scheme give the piece a sort of hypnotic rhythm, though I'm not usually a fan of continuous rhyming couplets.

it's kinda weird and choppy and the lines dont run together....i love constant rhymes but only when it's not forced....

Before I say anything: Capitalize your I's! Please! I was cringing when I read this!

scissorquiz wrote:paranoid thoughts in tow,
i watch the world fill up with snow,
and feel the nervous twitches flow.
mind still reeling from the blow,
is mine the first or last to go?
riding till the gas tanks low,
with some strangers i might know.
this girl in my lap - friend or foe?
i've known her for an hour or so,
since a long, long time ago.
all personality lays low
so neuroticism's head can show.
a grin gains a rotten glow.
tonight, i can't pay what i owe.
don't know if he can take a 'no,'
so i quiver like a pro,
get my bag, undo the bow,
take it meticulous and slow,
blow my nose, remove the dough,
and meet my friend to say hello.

Uhh... I don't get it. And apparently I'm not the only one, so maybe there's something wrong here.

Is this something sexual? haha, I feel so dumb, but I honestly didn't understand. I kinda put pieces together like your title and some lines like:

this girl in my lap - friend or foe?

and

a grin gains a rotten glow.
tonight, i can't pay what i owe.
don't know if he can take a 'no,'
so i quiver like a pro,
get my bag, undo the bow,

So, I think it's about sex. Is it? My mind's all jumbled... I need to rest my head for a couple seconds.

But, I must say, your rhyming was very impressive. Was it wise and did it fit? No. But, impressive nonetheless.

Personally im not a big fan on rhyming poetry...espesicially every line rhymes.. this one was not bad though.. but every rhyme seemed forced... you have to let it flow.. make sure the poetry comes from your heart, not your brain.. other then that, it was pretty good

*Locked*

Hey people, check the post date before reviving threads that are old and decrepit! There's a ton of new stuff sitting around not getting any reviews.