blow (don't read this if youre innocent)

paranoid thoughts in tow,
i watch the world fill up with snow,
and feel the nervous twitches flow.
mind still reeling from the blow,
is mine the first or last to go?
riding till the gas tanks low,
with some strangers i might know.
this girl in my lap - friend or foe?
i've known her for an hour or so,
since a long, long time ago.
all personality lays low
so neuroticism's head can show.
a grin gains a rotten glow.
tonight, i can't pay what i owe.
don't know if he can take a 'no,'
so i quiver like a pro,
get my bag, undo the bow,
take it meticulous and slow,
blow my nose, remove the dough,
and meet my friend to say hello.

aww Robby, guess who is this.

Dunno didn't like the rhyming but I've never liked constant rhyming couplets so ignore that comment.
It's that great bitter edge that you always have in your poetry and it's nice to see it again. Luckily i'm not innocent.

Rhyming poems and myself do not mix well. Actually, I liked "My Cat Eats Cat Food" on TYWC, but this would only go good to a JLo song.

Hmm, it's nice but i think you just started inserting words just because they rhymed.

MasterChief wrote:Hmm, it's nice but i think you just started inserting words just because they rhymed.

nope

whether it was forced or not it reads forced and choppy at times. also the constant rhyme makes it too bouncy sounding.

hm...i thought i commented on this earlier...i guess it didn't go through.
but anyway, i must admit i was impressed by the amount of words you found that ended in "o." however, i agree with convintojm...it really did sound bouncy...something :chokes: never mind. i will not say.

It sounds a little to chopping and as the others have said forced due to the constant ryhming but you've got a great idea with the poem and I liked it.

i liked this although it did seem like you were trying to fit as many words that could rythme together that kinda lost a little meaning throughout it, however i liked it, unsure to what it was REALLY about but it was good stuff. keep up the good work.
oh and one more thing: (a grin gains a rotten glow) i like that line, for me it's very clever.

AstrangedbeaR wrote:unsure to what it was REALLY about

the paranoia, broken nerves, uncertainty, neuroticism, and loss of familiarity with people you know associated with a cocaine binge and the eventual owing of money to a dealer

hmmm... the strong rhyme scheme emphasizes the sort of drugrush feel to the poem... it was less annoying than most rhyming poetry but I can't say as I liked it. The ending line sort of disintigrates into nonsense and you get the feeling that the poem stopped because you were too high to finish it and were probably staring and your hand or something. Which I actually liked.

I was wondering whether or not to put a rating warning on this, but I hardly understand it, so... I kinda like the continuous rhyming, but not for that long. Otherwise- good poem, sad what it's about.

maybe you should have made what you told me the poem was about a little bit clearer than i would have understood

Forced rhyming... eh... I don't like..

Then again, I really do not like rhyming poems...

I think the theme of this poem is really nice and I loved the visualizations I got along with it, but the rhyming... I say do away with it...

actually i liked the forced/rushed feeling this gives. it fits.
so neuroticism's head can show.
a grin gains a rotten glow.
those are the only two lines that didnt seem to measure up to the rest.