Young Writers Society

Following my Heart (through seasons of despair)

My hope shall die with the
Roses,
in the spring
bright and fresh and full of fragrance
A single melody in an orchestra of
all things new,
Alone,
I shall be
Old
brown leaves
detaching themselves
from my skeletal being
one by one
Pieces
of me
falling to the sky
Where
my heart used to be
in the clouds
reflected in
the deep blue sea
nowhere to be found
In these frozen
Rocky Mountains
it is so hard to find my way.

(bring me a rose in
the wintertime)

I would have preffered some more puntuation in between the lines.Or else the whole poem seems to be a run-on line poem.

I like thetitle very much,and ofcourse the poem is good too.

Keep writing and posting.

-Ani.

cymbeline_x,


I thought this was a waste of potentially useful electrons - an evaluation which you may find cruel.

This reader neither cares about your lack of hope nor about the way in which it will leave you. You could try to persuade me, but it would be another waste of electrons.

Try again.


Best,
Brad

The line breaks are too jerky and give the poem a feeling of stop and go traffic. Not to say you have to make it completely fluid, but as it is, it doesn't seem poetic. Try tweaking that a bit.

You do have concrete imagery, which I commend you for. Not many poems that I've seen have concrete imagery, which is a sad thing. But you don't have to tell us what the imagery stands for. In fact, it would probably be better if you didn't tell us at all, letting us figure it out on our own.

So when you write:

Old
brown leaves
detaching themselves
from my skeletal being
one by one
Pieces
of me
falling to the sky
Where
my heart used to be

Then you're telling us point-blank what you want us to think of the poem. Try not doing this. One of the lovliest things about poetry is that it's all very subjective.

Hope that helped!

Basically what Snoink and Brad said.

I like all the words, but the lines equaled jerky and that's what basically made me stop reading... because I do not finish many of my poems because they're difficult to read or just boring. Be thankful yours wasn't boring, just a bit hard to read.

Expand the lines, but some more words together, it'll be shorter but it'll be better than this long congo line of pretty words.

Thanks everyone--I really appreciate your honesty, as I've shown this to several friends and they haven't been any help at all as far as real feedback goes. I probably won't linger on to revise this but I will put your thoughts on it to use in my future poetry. Thanks again,
cx

I personally think this was a good poem. It was run-on. Which is what made it good. From the way i read it, it seemed like you knew what you were doing and you had the pace in your head the whole time. It had a fast pace, correct?


Kudo's to you.

cymbeline_x,
I agree with them^^^, it could have used more puncuation. But it was a great poem. You should really try to make something more of this though. If you keep writing something iffy and then move on without fixing it, nothing will get done.
Pandora