~HALFLING~

REMOVED in fear someone will steal. but i might post a l8er chapter!

Chapter 1:

So the stories about laser tag? It starts real slow, and the narrators voice is...boring. You use too many words when writing, try to cut stuff down so its smoother to read. You didn't really catch us much into the plot, the beginning wasn't that interesting.

About me and a few other friends are going there to go at it.

I don't know why you have the word About in this sentence, but besides that, you put others before yourself "A few of my friends and I are going..." you also said 'me' me doesn't work here. Take other the others and say the sentence with only you in it. "Me is going there to go at it" I am going there to go at it. get it?

Chapter 2:

The others, except on, arrived in twenty minutes after I spent almost five dollars.

except on? What? and 'almost' is an uncertain word. you either did spend five dollars, or you didn't.

I just tuned out and moves close

I just tuned out and moved. Try reading over things three or four times before you post to catch errors like these.

End of chapter two: good. Nice, really. But get us there faster. If I were you I would cut everything out up until you are inside of the laser tag zone and you see your friend getting shot. No use wasting the readers time with a boring introduction (and a foreshadowing that ruins the whole surprise!)

That's all for now I'll come back for the rest in a bit. Oh and by the way, it's Laser tag, not 'lazer' tag.

And my editing list continues...

Welcome aboard! I'm scanning through, picking out certain things because I'm an evil and compulsive writer, lol. What I have noticed, and a small part of me isn't too surprised is that you seem to be trying to copy Mr. Darren "Shan's" writing style. Or, at least that's what I'm noticing while I scanned through. If I'm off my rocker, I apologize. But certain things like -

He has dark purple skin and red eyes.

- remind me of, well, Shan's Vampaneze for starters. And there quite a few other examples too, and if you want, I can point them out also.

From the jitz, your idea is different but the basic concept is the same. It is in my humble opinion that copying a certain writing style isn't terrible wrong since it'll help the writer find their own path, voice, what have you - eventually. Call it a good measure for practice purposes. However, I do suggest that you try and find your own unique style once you feel confortable.

Believe me, it took me years to locate my niche and find my own path, and I'm stilll searching, lol. That being said, I apologize that I don't have a more thorough critique written up but I hope you take my advice with a grain of salt and continue to write!

Best wishes!

Hello! Welcome to YWS!

There are a number of small punctuation errors, that could be corrected fairly easily. Here are the ones I noticed in chapter one and chapter two.

Chapter One

The big hands on eleven, the bell rings.

Should be hand's. (I'm assuming you're saying 'hand is' there. If not, ignore me. )

What if he plan’s to play in the war simulator?

Here, there's no need for an apostrophe in plans. He plans. If you were going to say his plan is, then you would use plan's.

Chapter 2

“Ready to shoot em’ up”
“Hess yeck”

You need some ending punctuation here. Also, I'm not sure if you meant to say heck yes, not hess yess. I mean- hess yeck. My brain hurts, lol.

The others, except on, arrived in twenty minutes after I spent almost five dollars.

If On's a name, capitalize it. If you mean one, you forgot the E.


This was interesting, and a good start, but I don't get it. Ninjas, laser tag with real rifles, swordfighting, magical friends, vampires, myspace... I don't see the [connection. Yes, it's action, but it needs something to tie all these events together, a reason that they're all happening to the same kid. And who is this kid, anyway? Someone kills his mom, and he/she calls them an asshole? He/she knows how to swordfight? Who taught him/her? How old is he? What gender?

I'd like to see all of this. It would be cool if you took your time and described each thing as it happened, because it's a little too fast paced, which makes it hard to follow. Tell a little about each friend of Shane's as they enter, for example.

It can't seem random. Each event has to help along your plot, in a noticable way. Make sense?

Also, watch your tenses. It's really easy to accidentally switch. You're doing a pretty good job at being consistant though.

Keep writing!

thnx everybody. plz continue with wat ur doin! i love it. i'm fixing the stuff right now. and about the slowness in chapter 1, i'm suprised. ppl were telling me its to fast paced. i need the first chapter mainly to foreshadow and to tell it's summer. i mean this kid does alot and if there's no school then the reader's got to know. but yes thnx and i'll fix my mistakes.

here's some stuff to the editers.
-about the shan thing. yes i'm used to his writing stile but i asure u that the purple skin and red eyes was not supposed to look like he has it. more like an evil looking elf. i drew out many different colors in my head and purple was the only thing i liked.

-and for the following questions, Someone kills his mom, and he/she calls them an asshole?(if u saw someone murder your parents, what would be your reaction?) He/she knows how to swordfight?(your not the only one who wonders that. our fighter learns later. Who taught him/her?(again, learn later) How old is he?(just fixed chapter for to say) What gender?(his name is shane so...) who is this kid, anyway? (somebody calls him shane and another brown[brown coming first] and if u put 2&2 together.. you get Shane Brown. i like using clues)...
i also am planning a prologue to add to the info so.. ya lol

(if u saw someone murder your parents, what would be your reaction?)

Um... Probably a strangled cry of greif/rage. If I was articulate enough to formulate a response with words, I don't think I'd use a swear word I learned before age ten. B*stard is the most dramatic, I think, so you could use that, if you don't mind putting in some worse profanity. It's already R for violence, so I'd say go ahead. Up to you, though.

I've never heard the name Shane before now, lol. Sorry.

thnx i did that. anybody else want to edit before i make my big changes?

I'm back for more! Hee Hee.

Chapter 3:

I woke later in the sand felling a little peculiarly stranger than usual.

remove 'peculiarly'

The first thing I noticed besides the vehicles was the body bad one the stretcher.

body bag on the stretcher?

I stopped crying after about ten minutes and fell straight to sleep before something woke me up.
I looked at the clock and saw it was 2:16. Some loud thump had wakened me up.

we already knew something woke him up, so don't repeat that part, but tell us "fell straight to sleep before a loud thump woke me up"

“Hello, Shane,” He says before I get a better look at him.

Before he could get a better look? He got a pretty good look, not to mention, if my parents were in the hands of some unknown people, and things looked violent, I wouldn't notice what they looked like, I'd be too panicked! So try to be realistic.

Also, where did the sword come from? it just appeared in his hands?

There are some typos that you could catch if you went over it yourself. You have some tense problems here and there. BTW: A fight scene blow by blow is even less interesting to read, than it is to write. Try to be less exact in your description, fights aren't supposed to be skipped entirely but they aren't supposed to be blow by blow either.

Chapter 4:

Again, watch out for typos! Consider (which I've probably said this a lot of times now) reading over your work at least 3 times before posting.

So first we're told Cole will believe anything, then he says, "I'll believe it when I see it?" that's consistent.

don't use till, use until.
You're missing quotation marks in a lot of this chapter.

While reading keep this rule in mind: Show, don't tell. But I'm positive you've heard it before.

I like the originality of the story, even though its not my kind of story. The biggest thing I think you can improve on is your narration and the emotion. good luck!

I thought it was rather good, if not slight OTT.
It was pretty hard to follow because you skipped through the story and put in things that, at the moment, arn't really important, that I can see. Such as the whole bit about the planning it. I mean it is important to say that this was more than just a passing intrest but to go through the entire thing and put down the whole Crystal Beach was a bit much...at the moment anyway.

Then towards the end you do start skipping through it at a rather fast pace, both his parents die and then it turns into a bloodbath. Although it makes quite good sense it does seem slightly unrealistical.

Some loud thump had wakened me up

Switched to a slightly Shakespearean writing frame. Wakened is supposed to be woken if it is in Queen's English. Although it is quite a mash of different writting frames so its not that important I would suppose.

The whole thing is much too fragmented. The problem is that fragment sentences sound more exciting to us because they're quick and jerky and they make us react. The problem is fragments are good only to a certain extent. It only works when you have action. If you don't have action, it reads like Dick and Jane books. Not good.

So what do you do? You combine the sentences. When you read out loud, pause at commas, breathing just a little. When you come at periods, do full stops. Does it sound boring? I bet it does.

So vary your sentence lengths. Sentence don't really have to be three words long every time. Honest.

As for the first part? Right now you're saying, "If only I knew what was coming..."

The problem is he doesn't know what's coming. Nor do we. If you started with the ending, yes, then this technique might be acceptable, but at the moment, it is awkward and boring.


Hope this helps!