My First Poem

Sometimes I hurt,
And sometimes I lose,
But I'll always lie,
And say I'm fine.

I guess the reason,
Why I hold it together,
Is for you,
For them.

They tell me to help you,
When I'm falling apart,
Isn't that what I'm supposed to do,
Isn't that why I signed up.

I'll help you,
Under one condition,
A simple one at that,
Help me.


I wrote this because I'm a peer counselor at my school and people think that because I help everyone else, I should never be sad.
I'm one of the more "popular" counselors, meaning that more people ask to see me, thinking I will be able to help with anything.

Critiquing greatly appreciated!

Pandora

a nice start to the world of Poems. YAY!

anicely written poem with a strong meaning too! Cheers to that!

but shouldn't it have a better title?

Hey that was good.

Is it really ur first poem(as the title says)
or didu just gave the title like that.

Anyway keep writing.

A decent first attempt, but there were a few bumps that should probably be smoothed out. First of all, try not to explain the meaning of a poem to your readers, unless it's only to give them a little nudge in the right direction. I got a whole different love angle when I read this, and it was pretty much ruined when I found out your purpose in writing.

Second of all, try reading your poem out loud to see how it sounds. There were some icky rhythmical moments that could have been avoided by lengthening a line or eliminating an annoying little half-rhyme. Making the thing pretty is just as important as making it meaningful.

Other than that, it was a fairly good first attempt, certainly better than mine. I look forward to reading more.

I agree with BirthdayPirate in that you shouldn't explain the meaning to your readers. As Firestarter just said in a critique of my own poem "The poem should speak for itself." Unfortunately, this doesn't. It's vague, it's boring, it's cliched. I don't get ANY meaning out of reading the poem by itself. Give me something original, something I can understand, something that at least attempts to blow my mind. Be original. Make me care.

That said, no one ever gets it perfect on the first try. Put this away, go live some more (it's the best inspiration) and keep writing. Even if you know it's crap the second the pen hits the page. Every word helps.

Thanks guys. I wrote another, with a bit more meaning, so I'd appreciate more critiquing.
Pandora

an opinion on a poem is that of the readers. telling what the poem is about, may ruin it for some people. otherwise, wonderful!

good first poem, but it's a bit... lumpy with the rhythm. Try evening it out a bit. I think that it will make it smoother.

Other then that, I thought that it was well written and look foreward to reading more of your poetry

Yay! We love first attempts!

What you're going to want to do in your subsequent attempts at poetry, you'er going to want to present rich imagery of what you intend to say. As the people about are mentioning, you explained your reasoning behind the poem -- but why? Poetry is one of those lovely forms of art where you can look into it, deeper and deeper, and you can see a plethora of colors. It's really pretty like that. And, since this is art, someone will look at this in his own perspective. So, though you can try to influence the imagery, don't force it. That's bad.

With that said, you right now have a doodle of a poem instead of a great work in a museum. So you're only showing us your sketch. Add more splotches of color to the poem to make it artistic.

Also, though you are the creator of your own work, you're going to want to read as much poetry as you can put your hands on.

Hope this helps!

I liked it and can definetly see where the ideas are coming from. I particularly liked the last stanza, but think the whole thing does need a little bit of work.

For a first attempt, may I say confratualtions. << Huh?

It worked really well I though - the concept that is - and I thougt you had structured it all very well. The rhythm and imagery was a little patchy in places but that can be fixed with a sewing kit. ^^

Hehe, fabulous.

I loved it!
I found nothing wrong, and I found a very powerful message.
Are you sure this is your first attempt?