For a Friend

Thank you for putting up with me.
I know I've been a bitch.

I wish someone
would try to break
these walls of stone
That surround my heart.
Then they would see
That they're only painted on.

I've tossed my "friends" aside,
giving only cold affection,
for I know no other way.

Even those that I call "villain"
have been better friends than I.
It's not that I don't want
to hold your hand.
I just don't know how.

I'm sorry.

My heart longs to
bleed out of me
and into you,
to care the way
you want me to care.
But only gasps emerge
when I attempt to speak.

So I'll cloak my emotions
in words,
and attempt to write
my misguided soul
onto a piece of paper.

It will have to suffice.
Can I ever apologize enough
for all the nothing that
I didn't do?

Hey Niteowl! Where you been? Glad to see you're still writing.

I rated this PG-13 simply 'cos of the "bitch".

Anyway: the poem itself.

My first reaction is that of cliched. The general premise is the narrator has done something wrong, and they're apologising. Most of what you say in the poem is superfluous or unoriginal. For example, the line "I'm sorry" should definitely be removed, since this is what your poem is trying to say. Your poem should be strong enough on its own.

However, amongst this, you have some great ideas -- the "it's not that I don't want/to hold your hand./I just don't know how" was great. Really great. This is what you want. You want to convey the pain of the narrator in this apology.

But you don't need cliched statements like "walls of stone around my heart". You can do better than this. The first two lines are useless too. Don't use them.

I'd like to see a revised version which is more subtle, more succinct and thus more strong.

Well done and good luck!

I think this poem was absolutely wonderful! I love how you say "I wish someone
would try to break
these walls of stone
That surround my heart.
Then they would see
That they're only painted on."

It's beautiful!
Please please write more!

Pandora

Fantabulous. That's all I have to say. It's really heartfelt and I love your imagery... I literally can find NOTHING wrong with it. The "I'm Sorry" really stands out and catches my eye, it's really clever how you made that one verse. Good job

That is just wonderful.

niteowl--


There is some good news and some bad news.

The good news is: I was not forced to slit my wrists while reading this.

The bad news is: I was not forced to care while reading this.

As Jack said, you have littered the page with cliche; perhaps this is because you have dedicated your work to a single person, and not to an audience. I think, much to the detriment of the piece, you have sacrificed beauty for familiarity.


Good luck with your future revisions,
Brad