Abortion

Abortion

Six weeks old today mommy,
A birthday gift for me.
A pair of big blue,
Through which one day I will see.
Where are we going mommy?
With the rain splashing down
When it hits the sidewalk it makes a funny soud.
Bang! Through the big white doors
People dressed in green.
If they hurt you mommy,
Just run away and scream.
Help me mommy, there tearing me apart.
There goes my big blue eyes,
There goes my little heart.
I love you mommy, believe I do,
But the worst part is,
I thought you loved me too.

I know I know.. it rhymes.. I cant help it. I have looked through all my stuff, and it ALL rhymes! I wrote this my sophomore year when a girlfriend of mine was considering an abortion.. I was shooting for making her feel guilty... Today she has a beautiful set of twins.

So sad...But I like sad poems
I think abortions are wrong too
you really spoke from the heart writing that
Sorry if it sounds corny!
Charlotte
xxx

I was shooting for making her feel guilty

What a wonderful friend you are.

Personally, I don't go for anti-abortion scare tactics, but hey, to each their own.

As a poem, the rhythm is nice, the rhyme doesn't feel forced, it has a comfortable flow to it. You have a good understanding of the dynamics of a rhyming piece.

The subject matter isn't thrilling. If you could put this attention into something a little less...political, you'd have some very nice work. Especially if you write for you.

Lexismom wrote:A pair of big blue,
Through which one day I will see.

I didn't get that you were referring to eyes until near the end of the poem...maybe you could make it clearer?

And...has a six-week-old fetus/baby even DEVELOPED eyes yet?

Help me mommy, there tearing me apart.

Should be they're, the contraction for "they are".

I'm surprised, actually--the rhyming worked out a lot better than I would have expected. For the most part, it wasn't too forced.

Um...yeah. The anti-abortion thing just kind of turned me off, I'm afraid. I'm interested in seeing your other work, though. Perhaps, as Gal suggested, something less politically inclined?

Cassandra wrote:

Lexismom wrote:A pair of big blue,
Through which one day I will see.

I didn't get that you were referring to eyes until near the end of the poem...maybe you could make it clearer?

And...has a six-week-old fetus/baby even DEVELOPED eyes yet?

Well... yes and no. No, the baby hasn't developed eyes yet, but they have this big puddle where their eyes will be, so I think that's what she was refering to?

And haha... less politically inclined? I don't know... controversy is cool. But the whole topic of abortion makes me twitchy. But perhaps that's a good thing.

...controversy is cool.

Granted. I think what annoys me most is the after-thought. Maybe it wouldn't bug me so much if it hadn't been written to guilt her friend. I like poems that are written to inspire and move people into action. I think abortion is a nasty practice, but I'd never try to tell another woman her decision is wrong.

I am happy your friend has her twins. I hope she didn't keep them out of guilt, against her will.

I gotta say, if you were shooting to make a friend of yours feel guilting in possibly the hardest time of her life, you're no friend. Thats one of the most horrible things I've heard in a very very long time.

Gal, Lama, Snoink, Cass: although the subject of the poem and the controversy that surrounds it is inherently related to the piece itself, discussion on the strength of a friendship and the use of abortion is not needed here. The fact is, she has written a poem about it and that's what were looking at. I want pointers on how to improve it, not about the person's life.

lexismom, similarly, notes on pieces are usually not wanted because they bring up things like this, that I liked to avoid.

Thanks everybody, and please please please no more comments on friendship or a debate on abortion.

*cries* That is so depressing to write this in an attempt to make your friend feel guilty for what she has decided to do. It's great that she didn't get an abortion but writing the poem for that reason is wrong.

Kay Kay, did you even read my post?

This thread is for commenting on the poem, NOT THE REASON WHY IT WAS WRITTEN.

This thread is now closed, because it's just going to cause trouble and it's not worth it.