let me be ok

so I'm still on that stupid writer's block? but I decided I'd try and see if NaPo could fix it, so I guess I'm doing it!

Spoiler

April 1
April 2
April 3
April 4
April 5
April 6
April 7
April 8

Hey Sakura,

I think you're writing from a very real place with these two poems. I'd love to see more of them! These are so close to the experiences I had when I was growing up, I really want to see what else you have to write!

@Aley I'm working on it! I haven't had time to write in the past few days, so I'm trying to catch up :)

April 3
castle on a hill

dignified, tall, and proud
stands the castle atop the hill
mighty and gorgeous and looked upon with awe
the village whispers cohere in excitement

no one’s ever been inside
or yet even up close, for they know
the glorious queen awaits there inside
she protects the whole kingdom within her confines

but nobody thinks to look through the window
nobody thinks not to turn the other cheek
no one takes into account
that what they think may not be quite correct

the queen stands defeated, but yet stands tall
everyone looks but nobody sees
the woman that she’s had to be
the demons that she’s had to face

the dragons
the monsters
the creatures of fear
the things that you just can’t describe
have poisoned her more than she lets them see
so she gifts them blissful unknowing
and curses upon herself
the weight of memory

Spoiler

this was pretty much word vomit, sorry

You have exceptional word vomits! I love how fitting the castle on a hill imagery/metaphor fits with that kind of emotional state - of being so separate and lonely and misunderstood, the darkstuff that gets tucked away never to be seen. Wonderful!

April 4
i'm sorry

i’m sorry, i swear,
for all the times i hurt you without ill intent.
i am failing to make you happy.
i admire you so.
i would never intend to hurt you-
but i have.

and i feel sick;
sick with the weight of the guilt.
you said ‘it’s fine;
it’s no big deal.’
but you’re lying. and i know it.
and it’s just to make me happy.
and i know- i know you hate me.
so please just say it out loud

Spoiler

sorry I'm so behind!!

April 5
a schoolgirl crush

i remember the first time i saw you
if i’d wondered where we’d be now, i wouldn’t have a clue
you laughing with your group of friends
you seemed so far away

i’m not quite sure it was love instantly
but i knew you would be good for me
and i wanted you as a friend or more
and now that you’re my friend
i want more

you’re nice, you’re funny, you make me blush
and everytime i see you i get this rush
poem after poem after
another love letter
that i’ll tear up and throw away again
because it’s just a schoolgirl crush
i shouldn’t try to discuss
my stupid high school feelings
that’ll disappear in a month or two

April 6
drowning

i need to be told that i’m loved
i need to be told that i’m cared about
i need something to hold onto
so i don’t have to fall

fall into darkness
the ‘what ifs’, the uncertainty
you hate me, you do
just please say it out loud
so i don’t have to wonder anymore

or send me a sign- a lifeboat- a rope
to pull me in, stop me from drowning with demons
so i can hang on to that lifeboat, that rope
so i never have to return

April 7
four am in the city

street lights flicker on and off
the world in slow motion
seems prettier in a way
no stress, no rush
just soft radio music
and lights
lights that don’t hurt
but calm
and everything’s okay
for an hour or two

April 8
she

i didn’t get to say goodbye before she left
and now i won’t for weeks, for months
maybe i could have done something
maybe i couldn’t have done anything
but I still feel responsible
maybe it’s my fault she was like that
it’s because of me she had to leave
i want to tell her i’m sorry
but i can’t get a reply

she hates me and i know it
don’t try and convince me she doesn’t
she knows that it’s all my fault
and i don’t blame her

so when i see her again in weeks, in months
i won’t know what to say
be kind, be nice, accept her back,
or just stay out of her way?

Spoiler

This poem is extremely personal. This is more of a rant poem, and I'd like to keep the subject ambiguous for the privacy of who I'm talking about.