Elf Son

Everything seems like it has been smashed into a small little box. The events happen too quickly right after another, there is no transition. However, there is great elaboration on some parts.

I would suggest you space for your dialogue/soliloquy parts or seperate them if they come after another.

This is entertaining, a little bit of improvement and this can go a long way.

-Zola

ps: GriffinKeeper's Reply was incredibly accurate. That is a good source of information.

Interesting.

The beginning is pretty melodramatic, but this is well-written with very vivid description.

The first sentence is pretty awkward sounding. Try to make it flow a bit more smoothly, because I think it's vital that fictional stories have good first sentences.

A suggestion: what do you think about a pronunciation guide? Fantasy books always have all these crazy names that I have no clue how to pronounce, and it's rather annoying.

I like your style, and I'd like to see where you go with this.

Sorry if you were hoping for a long, harsh critique.

To start off, might I suggest that your first line go here:

viewtopic.php?t=484


Okay, this prologue is terrible. The emotional scenery that Griffinkeeper mentioned is particularily bad. A character feeling nothing? It's surely not a new concept, but it's one that good authors avoid. Nobody ever feels nothing... unless they're on drugs or dead, and on drugs they most likely feel something.

The little cutesy "o" thing with the hat is annoying. Ditch it.

Vasôac was a sturdy young boy about the age of 13. His facial features were sharp and acute for his age, and his skin was pale. His eyes were a dark shade of viridian, as clear as a shard of crystal. His face was bleak and expressionless. His hair was black, disheveled, and dirty.

We finally get to know about him now after three paragraphs? And everything I could possibly want to know in such a quaint little paragraph!

Your mysterious character appears from no where. He has no motives and the main character has no motives to do what he says. And you cannot say that it will be explained later because your reader will not be there to find out. They will ditch this piece, as they should.

Okay, first of all, trident, if you're going to attempt to be all knowing in the future, at least give improvements for what you say. Other wise, it comes out like that.

I find it terribly amusing that you would pour scorn onto someone else's first line, considering your own.

But anyway, ignore the idiotic, lizard, this piece has potential. What you need to learn is how to chop out what you don't need, and cut the melodramatic.

There is room from the metaphorical, but don't go too heavy with it. The first sentence is a pretty good example of this. Besides from being impossible, it gives the wrong image of his tears. So be careful of how you word things.

Also, avoid info dumping. Less is more. You don't have to describe this guy physical attributes at all, if you don't want to. The story would lose nothing. Show me things.

I'll give you an example. I can say that my character is athletic, witty and righteous, but that's boring. I can show you he's athletic in the way he interects with things, show you he's witty in his actions and dialogue, show you he's righteous in what he does, too.

Read the thing through, highlight anything you think can be dropped without hurting the story, and drop it. Then consider what the reader needs to know, and when they need to know it.

trident, if you think a character can feel nothing, and be portrayed as feeling nothing, you need to read a lot more. Don't generalise as you have done with what you just said. One day, someone may mistake you as an idiotic bully - not that I ever would.

-Fantasy

I apologize if I came across as... well a bully or a jerk lillizard. Perhaps sarcasm is not the best way to go.

Nonetheless, my opinions stand. The first line isn't very good. And you've heard the reasons: it's melodramatic, the metaphor doesn't quite fit, and purple (according to Meep).

I also stand by that feeling nothing is a poor, poor way to go about things. Feeling nothing? How often have you done it? You may think you have, but it was probably more self-pity than nothingness. As an author, you want the emotions of your characters to be the emotions of the readers, or you want to elicit certain emotions from the readers through the characters' actions. Nothingness elicits... well nothing, which is bad. You may be trying to get the reader to feel pity for your character, but it doesn't work.

I told you to ditch stuff, so you would cut it out of your piece. You should do so.

And my last statement was meant to show that you need to give your mysterious stranger and your main character a motive, otherwise you have no story. Trust me, if it seems like your characters are just doing something and they don't have a reason, they become unreal. And that makes the reader not want to believe anything else in the story is real. As an author, plausibility is essential.

Okay, I believe that probably should have been my post. But if you are serious about being an author, then you will have to learn to take this type of vicious criticism because you will encounter it. Another piece of advice: don't always believe what everyone says. If you want to ignore one thing or everything from my post, then go ahead. It's not my writing, it's yours. Do what you want to do with it.

And fantasy, which line is it that you consider bad? ;)

Wow... This is really UNFINISHED and really annoying me. Ill tell you why:

1.The only thing that offers ANY information on this main character is the title.
-"Elf Son"
2. Why the heck is he so angry at this mysterious guy?
3. What is this story about?
-I think you are too lazy to finish it.
4. While the descriptions are pretty good, you still have to have a good story
plot.

Lycan, listen. You are being pretty impatient. Now, I will answer your questions.
1.) If you would look at my blog, you might realize that this is not a book where I start off by saying "Okay, this guy's name is ____, and all of his secrets are here: _____________.

2.) I would be angry too if I had just accidentaly killed my foster parents. Yes, I just revealed a big secret, but it's so you won't annoy me any more. I would be angry at just about anyone who comes up to me and starts ordering me around!

3.) I also don't exactly say : Okay, people, this story is about this)_____________. I have posted more of this story, and there is still a lot of stuff that I already wrote that I haven't posted.

4.) Hello? Are you incapable of reading?!? This is the prologue! I don't reveal the whole plot in the very first part. It is mainly for introducing the character, so that he doesn't appear out of nowhere in the later chapters.

Lycan, if you have any other stupid questions, please keep them to yourself, or get in the chat room, where I can ignore you. However, if you have any good questions, coments, or critiques, feel free to post them.

p.s. I am not lazy, I am busy with other things. Like advanced math courses and book club. Don't just call me lazy because I don't post all of my stuff or write all of my stuff right away. So if you are going to keep me lazy, then please keep your thoughts to yourself.

I don't need a FULL explanation of a plot. Only a novice would do that in the prologue. And yes, I have noticed that what you just wrote was the prologue. However, what you wrote should not be in the prologue.

It's my story Lycan, not yours. Besides, if you want to hear the story unravel a bit, you're going to have to wait. Besides, I am going to work on it and will probobly post it whithin the next couple of days. Also, It's okay, trident. =D. But Lycan, you need to be more patient. Again, I chose to introduce my character in my prologue. If you want to critizise me further, please go somewhere else and do it.