Young Writers Society

Lilly white skin
Dripping with blood
Unmoving muscles
Still as the dead
three hacks to the head
axe on the floor
An empty shell left behind on earth
Memories faded, knowledge gone
One life spent in jail
another lost at 16

Who likes this?

... bit morbid...

I think that you told more than explained... this didn't leave much to the imagination... and... yeah... I think that it's just a bit too creepy for me...

I liked the beginning 3 lines but then everything else kinda went more... She got hit in the head with an axe and died and now somebody's in jail and she's dead."

I didn't have to figure it out, you already told me.

Really creepy. But good nonetheless. Like Elizabeth?^^^ said, it leaves little to the imagination. It should be a bit more mysterious. Make us think about what happened. Love the first few lines! Keep up the good work!
Pandora

you could cut the last two lines out to leave it and let us wonder whether thay got off, what really happened. It might add to it a bit more.

Thanks for the comments guys
how is this version? I hope this is a little better

Lilly white skin
Dripping with blood
Unmoving muscles
Still as the dead
one last rasp of breath
Eyes frozen over
An empty shell left behind
Memories faded, knowledge gone

Swottielottie wrote: Who likes this?

answer:ME,c'mon no one will hate it.


This version is really good.
Keep writing.

-Ani

A better new version, i enjoyed reading it! If i were you, i would still review a more stable rhythm.



Jtk

Swottielottie--


Two fundamental definitions:

1. Journal entry / Blog--Writing in which the writer tells the reader what emotions the writer is experiencing or what happens during some event.

2. Poem--Writing in which the writer causes the reader to experience emotion about something.

This is a 1. It's "self expression" at its worst and shows us nothing other than the writer totally self-absorbed in him- or herself, staring with rapt fascination into the intricacies of his or her own navel as if it were the only subject of interest in the world--and to the writer, it probably is. Not so, alas, to the reader who cares little or nothing about the writer or the writer's navel but who rather comes to poetry to experience and to feel something himself.


All the best,
Brad

Me again. I'm going over your work and it's quiute good. I've learned a few tips, thanks. Your second verse is better. I belive it speaks more on what you want to say. Though what that is I do not know. Keep it up, can't wait to see what you do next.

No, I don't.

I don't either, sorry.

This is morbid--although there is nothing that says you can't write morbid poetry. But...this is really not appealing, morbid or not. It's just bland, boring, and in the end makes the reader turn up their nose and wonder why they wasted their time.

I would suggest possibly telling the story from the point of view of the 'killer', perhaps what is going through his head while he is committing this crime? That might make it better, I don't know...that's the only thing I can't think of that might save this.

Evoke more emotion.
Use more imagery.
Touch the reader, not the writer.
Think deeper.

Happy Editing.
aMego

I like the word choices...very detailed, but then again, i cant imagine anything for myself. I definitly like the second version better. It really makes the reader feel...and wonder what happened. Let me ask you though, where did this peice come from? Its very gruesome...just wondering

Nawat bad. I like it. The first draft gave too much away, like other people said, that's all. The only grammar mistakes I could find were that you spelled "Lily" "Lilly" (Lilly is a name, a lily is a flower), and that you didn't capitalize "One" in the
fifth line.

In the second version, I like it much better. The only thing I think needs work is the last two lines:

An empty shell left behind
Memories faded, knowledge gone

I can't exactly explain what I don't like about them, maybe that they seem a little misplaced, more like the beginning of a stanza than the end of a poem. Awkward, kind of. Anyone else feel like that?

It's... too simple.

In my opinion, poetry should make the reader think. Even if it's only to make the reader appreciate the imagery and think about a similar experience they've had (as in many nature poems), it should still make the reader think.

This poem does not make the reader think. It gives the reader all the images, but what's behind it? What's the moral, what's the drive? What makes this stand out from all the other death poems out there?

Answer those points, then try to rewrite it.

well i like it but it does not seem to have a real maening or direction