Did you ever think?

Did you ever think
That what you said
Would have the effect that it did?
Lying as you did
Crying as you did
Now it has all fallen apart
walking away swearing
I just stand glaring
Im afraid to do something
incase i might regret it

But did you ever think
That what you said
Could ever ruin somebodys life?
Did you ever think that what you said
Could have that effect
So why did you do it
Why did you lie
Why did you cry
And now you've gone away
I can stop and stay
Play every day

Not living in fear
Of what might happen to me
Befall me
Did you ever think
That you going
Could start my life again.


Hope you enjoyed

Lieing is spelt
lying

I'm and I...


Alright, um... I did like this but...
DID YOU EVER THINK? that the question mark doesn't belong right there?

I can't really say anything more, but the punctuation was horrid in this poem, though the content was good. So just take out the question marks and put them in other places.

You're on your way.

Ah thanks for the help
Fixed in the best ways possible

Alright you did get rid of the question marks and fixed the spelling but there's a bit more... let me show you what the first stanza could be... this is my opionion, yours might be different:

Did you ever think
that what you said
would have the effect that it did?
Lying as you did,
crying as you did,
Now it has all fallen apart.
You walk away, swearing,
I just stand glaring.
I'm afraid to do something
incase I might regret it.

Basically a sentence can take up a few lines, basically it's howeve ryou write it, if you read it aloud, where do you want people to pause if they read it too? if there is no punctuation it's like reading:

DidyoueverthinkThatwhatyousaidWouldhavetheeffectthatitdid

*wants to breathe... but CAN'T!*
I'm being silly, BUT serious. So, basically edit it how you want to with the punctuation, let yourself breathe...

I'll watch for more updates because I like this poem.

Pivot_Master wrote:Could ever ruin somebodys life

Wouldn't it be "somebody's"?

Pivot_Master wrote:Why did you lye

"lye" is spelled "lie"

Other than that, watch the puncuation and keep up the good work!
Beautifully written.
Pandora

Fixed it up quite alot thanks for helping with the spellings *Hits head*
Silly boy!

Also, I'm a bit confused about:
"I can stop and stay
Play everyday"

I just don't undersatnd how it fits into the poem.

Pandora

I think you should drop the rhymes. I mean, for the most part you get away with it half-decently, but this line just sounds awkward:

walking away swearing
I just stand glaring

And there's several other parts. But really, poetry is not a rhyming contest. In fact, many good poetry doesn't rhyme at all. So you might want to play with that. At the moment, it's reminding me of a poem I wrote that rhymed constantly and my siblings made fun of it, so yeah. XD

You might want to play with it to make it sound smoother.

But did you ever think
That what you said
Could ever ruin somebodys life?

You still need to fix the "somebody's" typo. Since it's a possessive and it's a noun (not to be confused with a pronoun or "it") it needs an apostrophe.

And now you've gone away
I can stop and stay
Play every day

Not living in fear
Of what might happen to me
Befall me
Did you ever think
That you going
Could start my life again.

This part gets slightly confusing. When I read it, I thought the initial conflict was that by the lying and crying, the narrator was upset, and this threw me off guard. Perhaps you can better state the conflict in the beginning?

Anyway, nice start. Keep it up. And it's nice to see you revise.

Welcome Pivot_Master,


The biggest problem I had with this is a narrative that seems disjointed in a manner that isn't constructive to the poem overall.

Did you ever think?

Did you ever think
That what you said
Would have the effect that it did?
Lying as you did
Crying as you did
Now it has all fallen apart
walking away swearing
I just stand glaring
Im afraid to do something
incase i might regret it

** (Pet peeve) why start with the title of the piece? All it does is announce "I could not think of a better title." Also, there seems to be nothing here particularly poetic--no breath-taking imagery, no nothing. Nada. Zilch. You need to find and work with similes, both from the standpoint of the narrator and the addressee (who should not, by the way, be referred to as "you," since I don't know you). The queries regarding my intentions don't work, either

But did you ever think
That what you said
Could ever ruin somebodys life?
Did you ever think that what you said
Could have that effect
So why did you do it
Why did you lie
Why did you cry
And now you've gone away
I can stop and stay
Play every day

** Now this sounds more like the aftermath of cheap wine. It's not a natural segue from the announced "what's wrong with you?" in the first stanza. Instead, it simply repeats it in a boring, uninteresting way.

Not living in fear
Of what might happen to me
Befall me
Did you ever think
That you going
Could start my life again.

** This is the worst part. I don't know how "I" have left you, why I left you, or why I should care to return. Perhaps if you would stop re-repeating yourself, I might.

At the end, I'm left wondering what you�re trying to do with this--certainly it was not to communicate anything a reader would care about. There's little to differentiate it from the flood of repetitions that supposedly reflect an absence. Why would you think anyone would find this subject fascinating?

You might think carefully about whether this is worth the effort to edit.


All the best,
Brad