Reversible Verse: Age and Sleep (Revision)

... Whoa...
I think that this was... like, I don't know, something in the first stanza made me not want to read it but when I finished I was amazed, as usual. I'm easily amazed. Wow. Heh....

My favorite part was the entire bottom stanza... I can't explain it, you put a spell on this poem! It's just so... I don't know... ... It was amazing how you wrote it. Keep it up as well as my interest in reading!

The groupee,
Elizabeth

Smart. It went a bit strange in the middle of the second stanza, but it still sounded good. I've always wanted to do a reversible-poem, but never had the proper skill to tackle it.

you were mean about mine but I'm not one to hold grudges... it wasmediocre.
Powerful imagery and stuff.

lexy wrote:you were mean about mine but I'm not one to hold grudges... it wasmediocre.
Powerful imagery and stuff.

That's not holding a grudge? lol...

I want it to rhyme in the second one. It'd be pretty, then. I like pretty things.

Simple language. niccccccceeeee

Elizabeth,


Thank you for the encouraging words.


Best,

Jack,


I am considering replacing 'star-dewed' with 'starry-dewed'; it at least remedies the second stanza. However, the first becomes then problematic. Thanks for reading!


Best,

lexy,


Do you have any suggestions? Why is it mediocre? Thanks for taking time to read and respond.


Best,

Elizabeth,


A return to the piece? I am flattered.


Best,

xanthan_gum,


The second stanza relies more on slant-rhyme. I see what you mean, though. Thanks for reading.


Best,

Brad

Whoa! That's so cool! The first time I read it, I thought it was pretty good, but as soon as I saw how perfectly it reversed...wow, you've got a lot of talent. Awesome job.

LOL. I like Brad's post where he's responding to the critiques. The repition of 'best' is funny.

Awesome. Love the reverseded-ness.

This is really amazing. Seriously. The second-to-last line could be a little iffy, but by then the reader has (hopefully) realized what you were doing, so it's okay.

Fabulous.

Whoah. I have to say that I am really, really impressed. Like LOST (Emily) said at first I didn't notice that it was reversed in the second stanza and thought it was just an nice (though simple) poem. But once I realized that it was reversed I was amazed. You've got amazing talent to create something as creative as this. Congratulations.


Love your writing =)

Wow, like everyone said, this is amazing. At first I actually didn't like it that much. I thought it was just another sort of average poem. When I realized it was actually reversible, thought, I was amazed. This is really cool.

Age and Sleep: Revision


Forever ours is hope
but we are men of shells,
and passing years and days
are silver sounding bells.
Returning joys are dreams
and age embraces sleep
where bygone youth and love
are burning bright and deep.


Deep and bright-burning
are love and youth gone by
where sleep embraces age
and dreams are joys returning.
Bells sounding silver
are days and years passing,
and shells of men are we
but hope is ours forever.

Better. "Star-dewed" was what was making it awkward, and you've definitely sorted out any issues in the reversal now.

Prettier =]

The poem was good and must have taken ages to mmake it read the same back and forth but it was not really my cup of tea
sorry
Charlotte