Where Are You?

Where Are You?

Can't you hear my telepathic screams
Echoing across our distance?
I shred my own heart (everyday)
Just looking for the memories of your love
I yearn for your fingers to heal me
From where my lonely tears have scorched my cheeks
Leaving marred black tissue down my face.
How long must I remain here waiting
Sixteen and never been kissed for you?
Can't you just come back to me?

A really sweet, really nice poem, Yoha. ^_^

I wrote a poem once like this called "Wherever You Left For" that was the same general premise and much, much longer. ^_~ Tis drivel, though, I assure you, and not worth a spot on YWS's forums. This however, speaks - I commend you.

I think the problem with this poem is that it's hopefully cliched. The number of times I've heard these sorts of words being used for heartbreal -- "yearn", "heart", "shred/scorched" etc. means that the poem isn't original. It's not an individual. I've seen it before.

Writing poems about heartbreak is exceedingly hard to do well these days, since everybody writes about the same thing. I'd start again, and try using different words, and looking at it from a different angle. Don't rely on the same words and cliches over and over again.

Other things:

- The parantheses are pointless, the everyday fits into the line anyway.

- Questions in poems are usually weak. The problem is the narrator of the poem is asking the reader a question. It feels like the poem itself can't answer it, and thus it fails to work.

However, I commend your for your rhythm, it was sound. Well done! But the subject matter was lacking.

yoha_ahoy wrote:Just looking for the memories of your love
I yearn for your fingers to heal me

Just wanted to point out that these two lines are written SO beautifully! Great job! It's beautiful!!!
Pandora

Thanks guys! It's been a while since I've written anything really. I'm glad this one turned out so well and that you like it.

Welcome yoha_ahoy,


I'm glad you've returned to us.

This is mediocre to poor. It takes us nowhere interesting, leaves us with nothing worth salivating for. Unless the intent was to make the readers utterly unsympathetic to your cause, you need to seriously reconsider the direction this is going.


Best,
Brad

yoha_ahoy wrote:Where Are You?

Can't you hear my telepathic screams
Echoing across our distance?
I shred my own heart (everyday)
Just looking for the memories of your love
I yearn for your fingers to heal me
From where my lonely tears have scorched my cheeks
Leaving marred black tissue down my face.
How long must I remain here waiting
Sixteen and never been kissed for you?
Can't you just come back to me?

The writing in pink is the only thing I have a problem with. Never been kissed for you??? Isn't it meant to be "before"?????????????

No.