one minute to the next

leaves may fall the same time every year,
petals droop and die, snow drifts and falls,
day concedes to night concedes to day,
your eyes meet mine like magnets.

yet, this year: time is too quick,
autumn is too early, the cold winds unexpected,
the dark sets in mid-afternoon,
flowers died all too long ago.

and we just don't realise, then,
that your hand still meets mine
your lips taste just as wet
your hair is just as soft
the future we build in dreams
but the leaves keep falling and

the pain comes with horrible consistency.

Firestarter wrote:day concedes to night concedes to day,

This line sounds familiar.

Do you realise that I started to read faster on the second verse? I think it was the words.

Or it could have been just me.

I liked this poem. It took three reads to get. Now I miss my ex-wife.

Hi Jack,


It's good to see you've made much progress. Ignore SlickJimmy--your meter is fine. That said, I am no fan of lists in poetry, especially not lists that are repetitious. I believe you can do better than to repeat your images.


Best of luck,
Brad

Very beautiful, Jack, very nice imagery. ^_^

Just one thing perhaps:

Firestarter wrote:leaves may fall the same time every year,
petals droop and die, snow drifts and falls,
day concedes to night concedes to day,
your eyes meet mine like magnets.

[italics mine]

In the midst of all these pretty, absorbing images, the magnets bit sticks out as something of a force - is has sort of a sharp industrial nature in a poem that is nothing of the sort. Maybe change the phrasing here a bit, but other than that, Jack, I'm dead impressed.

~Dreamy

Jacko -

I'll second Brad -- your meter is fine. I'd like to agree and disgaree with DD; "magnets" seems to fit wonderfully, and yet stick out like a sore thumb. I have a feeling, however, that you meant for that to happen, so I'll leave it be.

We both seem to have a new-found love with lists in poetry, don't we? Odd, really.

Now! I had to go back and re-read these lines "your lips taste just as wet
your hair is just as soft " becuase the second one didn't read well the first time I read it. I kept wanting to omit the "is", and read it with an imposed break between "hair" and "just".

Anyhoo! I guess this means it's my turn to start writing againn, aye? Get myself out of the biggest poetry slump I've seen myself in for a good many months.

Happy writing -
~Bek

Hi Jack,


My above remarks were written in a time-crunch, and this deserves more than that. If I may, I'd like to shorten the piece in a way that I think gives you a better idea of what I would expect in a revision (of course, you're not writing to my standards, hopefully, but I hope it is helpful, either way).


leaves may fall
the same time each year;
petals droop and die,
snow drifts, day concedes
to night concedes to your eyes
meeting mine like magnets.

yet, this year: time is too quick,
autumn is too early--
the cold winds, unexpected.
we don't realise our hands still meet,
lips just as wet and hair just as soft;
the future we've built in dreams.

yet the leaves keep falling,
and the pain keeps coming
with an unwanted consistency.


I am left unsatisfied even with that as a close. It is your poem, though; do what you will with it.

I'm glad I came back; there's something here worth saving.


Best of luck,
Brad

Thanks, Brad. I like your revisions and the fact you actually think there's something worth saving -- once I'd finished this I really didn't want to post it, but then I thought I may as well because only then can I really improve.

Thanks everyone else, too! Bek >> get writing.

Very simple language for you. I'm no fan of lists either. (I'm aware I'm useless)

Incandescence wrote:
leaves may fall
the same time each year;
petals droop and die,
snow drifts, day concedes
to night concedes to your eyes
meeting mine like magnets.

yet, this year: time is too quick,
autumn is too early--
the cold winds, unexpected.
we don't realise our hands still meet,
lips just as wet and hair just as soft;
the future we've built in dreams.

yet the leaves keep falling,
and the pain keeps coming
with an unwanted consistency.

*slick jimmy loses respect for ican.*

Your double dash after early, and breaking down the previous lines to a shorter read, slowed me down when reading into the second verse.

Nice revision.

Intersting, Brad. Very interesting. You've always had a way with words. Or it might just be the flu talking. Other than the ending, I think I'll agree with you on what you took out of Jack's original. Now just to poke and prod Mr. Dent until he can do it himself, again (I know, I'm really one to talk).

Now. The ending. Jack, this one is really up to you to fix. Normally, I would attempt an idea, but I can honestly say being sick makes my brain not function well. Thus, I'm sorry, no ideas for today. But, I do think the idea of pain is introduced too late for it it have more impact than just causing the reader to go "huh?" and stare for a few minutes until it clicks. Your original line makes the most sense, so start from there, I'd say. I'll be back when I can think clearly if you'd like, or I'll move on and attack soemthing new of yours. Sound good?

Aye, aye, cap'n! I'll get writing again. Really. I will.

Also, if I may? Jacko. Maybe play with revisions -- do your own, compare with the one Brad did, and play with this. Read your older work. Then rvise again. Maybe not the same poem, but more recent ones. That's what I've been attempting, anyway, and it's helped me some to get back into my mind-set for poetry (that doesn't steal ideas and style from anyone else).

So, we both do that, and I find something to post in the next week?

Slick -- if you have a problem with something, please come up with a way to fix it, or an idea as to how to start; don't just say you don't like it and leave.

Brad and Jack -

You two never cease to amaze me.

Bek

Mesh> Are you talking about my first post or second?

My first post I said I think it was the words that made me read faster.

Second posts was telling brad what fine revision he did to slow down my reading.