I said oh! aren't ~ aren't you God? Hello. Sir.

Misty,


This poem is overrun with grammatical havoc. The idea is laudable, but I don't feel like the means were correctly executed. In fact, it was so poorly delivered, I'm afraid the kernel of this was lost as the poem went on--you have pronouns that do not logically connect with anything, pauses where pauses are unnecessary and otherwise clutter the piece, and enjambment and excess verbage problems.

I have attached below a perhaps more coherent renditioning that you might use as a guide to future versions--it still does not capture the essence of what you intended (which I have problems grappling with because it is not clear). I leave it to you to decide what would be most rewarding.


Best,
Brad



and didn't you love it?
with all the rampant Jesus
slaying and goddamnit,
we can recrucify Jesus
if we want to. Mister,
I crucify my Jesus twice
a day. We make it vivid all
the time so no one forgets what
crack whores they are; no one forgets
how bad they are.

I could not watch him:
He pretended to know me and I felt him,
his invasive fingers prying
around my heart,
but he does not know me,
and I crucify my Jesus twice a day
in my heart, beloved. Begone.

They pretended to know me; but they don't
and I hate them for it. I met God today,
I met him on the sidewalk. I said oh! aren't -
aren't you God?
Hello. Sir. I crucify my Jesus twice a
day in my heart; we can recrucify Jesus ten times
a week, if we want to; yea, if we want to

Well no one forgets what crack-whores they are,
and no one forgets how bad they are;
I'll never forget how bad I am, and you'll never
let me forget how bad I am--

six words. six words. four syllables
I cannot breathe,

and didn't you love it,
with all the rampant Jesus-slaying, and
goddamnit! we can re-cfucify Jesus ten times, if we
want to, yea
if we want to.

said oh! aren't~aren't you God? Hello. Sir.
10/9

and didn't you love it, w. all the
rampant Jesus slaying and
goddamnit, we can re
crucify Jesus ten times a week,
if we want to.
yea, if we want to.
Mister; I crucify my Jesus twice
a day; in my heart. We make it vivid all
the time; so no one forgets what
crack whores they are, yea, no
one forgets how bad they
are

I could not watch the
mister man; I could not watch
him
He pretended to know me and I felt him,
I felt his invasive fingers prying
around my heart
but he does not know me, and
I crucify my Jesus twice a day in
my heart ~ beloved. beloved. Begone.

They pretended to know me; but they don't
know me and I hate them. I met God today, I
met him on the sidewalk. I said oh! aren't ~
aren't you God?
Hello. Sir. I crucify my Jesus twice a
day in my heart; we can recrucify Jesus ten times
a week, if we want to, yea, if we want to

I met God today. I met him on the sidewalk.
I said oh! aren't ~ aren't you God?
Hello. Sir.

dizzy.dizzy.dizzy
could not breathe, breathe
I re-crucify Jesus, I re-crucify Jesus, I
re-crucify Jesus, Jesus

no one forgets what crack-whores they are
yea no one forgets how bad they
are;
I'll never forget how bad I am, you'll never
let me forget how bad I am, nah...

six words. six words. four syllables
I cannot breathe,

and didn't you love it, love it,
with all the rampant Jesus-slaying, and
goddamnit! we can re-cfucify Jesus ten times, if we
want to, yea
if we want to

I have to agree largely with Brad here. I get that you want there to be havoc, but in doing so you outcast the reader and make the piece inaccessible. Take a moment even when you're writing something you really want to and how you want to, to step outside yourself and ask - would I want to read this? Moreover, would I understand this? Go back over it with that in mind and I think it will turn out far better. I do love the term 'crucify my Jesus', but think it is overused. Of course, you probably intended this but again think what is like for the reader. Good luck!

Best,

Mark

ok, here is my thought on this....

Interperative?

Song?

Crap?

This was VERY easy to read through (less the grammer and puctuation that brad spoke of), and VERY interesting to read through the first four paragraphs or so. I was high on anticipation and absolutely LOVED IT.

but then it turned to crap. repeating the powerful words you previously wrote did not enhance this piece.

I cannot say I was expecting some redemption or anything, but something...

You gave me nothing for an ending. Finish this off with something great, thoughtful, or even sublime, and you may have the beginnings to change the world.

(I am usually not this harsh, but I was very disappointed by the ending, The beginning was awesome, right up until you began to repeat, but alas, I too am guilty of that, too.)

Thanks, I could possibly revise. But I have a tendency to repeat things, when I want to. I'm not fussed about grammatical inadequacy, I'm not fussed about my readers, because I don't write for them, I wrote for me. Okay...brad...I kind of like your revision. I didn't expect to. I expected to be mildly offended because I don't think people should touch other peoples' poems. But it was better. Hmm...