A place in the sun

There are no limitations,
To my celebrations of the coast.
The water is smooth,
And to prove it I can feel
The soft as silk waves,
I see a boy who braves
the coolness as he wades in...
A breath of fresh air,
Sweeps right through my hair,
The salt stinging my eyes,
No ones fault....
A place to hide and escape,
Who's by my side,my imagination.
As I know you will criticise
It may not sound so wise....
A place in the sun... for me.

Hey lexy!

This flow of the poem is really good,though some places I felt are confusing.Or may be I couldn't get it.
Any way in all Well done!Keep writing.


-Ani.

ok, I agree with ani, but on a more severe scale.

I acthidently bit my toungue from reading thith, and it ith now bleeding, justh a little. But it hurtth like hell.

The flow ith way off, "and to feel it i can prove" ith the sthentence that made me bite my toungue.

pleasthe change it to:

The water is smooth,
Feel the soft as silk waves,

Thith ith much better, and now hopefully no one elsthe will talk sthupid like I am right now becausthe they bit their toungue.

*Slick Jimmy cries over pain in toungue*

p.s. (this is only a starting point to fixing this)

SlickJimmy wrote:ok, I agree with ani, but on a more severe scale.

I acthidently bit my toungue from reading thith, and it ith now bleeding, justh a little. But it hurtth like hell.

The flow ith way off, "and to feel it i can prove" ith the sthentence that made me bite my toungue.

pleasthe change it to:

The water is smooth,
Feel the soft as silk waves,

Thith ith much better, and now hopefully no one elsthe will talk sthupid like I am right now becausthe they bit their toungue.

*Slick Jimmy cries over pain in toungue*

p.s. (this is only a starting point to fixing this)

That was nice wasn't it. ok ok, I'll rework it just for you..... *hmmm how am i gunna do that????*

lexy

Very good poem, but there are some things that could be reworked. For instance, you could work in some other senses besides sight. Maybe the you can small the salty air or hear the crash of waves or the shore, or a seagull calling. Bravo, though, really good work.

The writing of this peice is quite choppy, the comma's come in either a little to early or too late. This poem also seems like a bunch of different idea's smushed into one, to resemble something of a poem. It also seems like you are trying to rhyme some things but it isn't really working out. So take out the rhymes or rewrite it.

For example

There are no limitations,
To my celebrations of the coast.
The water is smooth,

The transition between these lines is terrible. You suddenly switch from there being no limitation of your celebration, to describing the coast itself. I suggest maybe cutting the first to lines, or adding some more lines to help ease the transition between the two different things.

No ones fault....

random, cut it.

Another thing, try to not use I, me, my, you, etc. These seem to take away from the poem as a whole.

Please! beware of your titles, first off i had the sound of music, now i have that holiday programme lol! As for the poem, i think you got some stick for it that was maybe unessecary, i understand people are here to give thier opinions but i dont think someone should have to re write their work to make it good enough for someone (especially if they cant find anything good to say about it and just say 'scrap it' as it is your work) else who may write differently, i think this is good enough as it is, and unmless you really want to, i think you should keep it YOUR work and be happy with it.!

Anway, i forgot to say i really like this poem

lol, thanks. I tiold you I'm crap with titles!!

that was amazing