Debatable

Pathetic on the cushions;
I burn a hole into the rug
and you, simply sinking deeper in
quicksand security.
Deathtrap: I'm not bothering
to grapple across the
miles between us.
I'd rather stand and stare,
for what grander show is there
than a descent from
bedazzled gloria to
bound and broken servitude -
where you've stood
the entire fucking time.

Hi xanthan_gum,


This fails to please the way your last poems have. I feel that you rely too heavily and directly on the "countdown effect" at the end of this for it to be taken seriously. You don't need gimmicks to help your poetry. Below is a modified version.


All the best,
Brad



Pathetic on the cushions;
I burn a hole into the rug
and you, simply sinking deeper in
quicksand security.
Deathtrap: I'm not bothering
to grapple across the
miles between us.
I'd rather stand and stare,
for what grander show is there
than a descent from
bedazzled gloria to
bound and broken servitude -
where you've stood
the entire fucking time.

loving the enjambement
love it
*clapping my hands until they hurt*
Wow