Sunbathing

The blissfulness
Of listlessness
Lying in a sweet summer blanket
Wrapped in heat and swarms
Of honeyed sunbeams
Requisites of helium
Exploding infinitely
Consuming endlessly
Yearning slightly for
Less room to eat.

Hi timjim77,


I am glad to see you around again. The same can not be said for this piece.

It seems to me an excuse for a string of Poetickal posturing for the sake of it.

Lots of words here. In fact, too many. They weigh down (and confuse) the poem. Throw away the crutches and look to make it more spare.


Sorry I couldn't be more positive,
Brad

hey, i like this poem
i think you chose the words very nicely and uniquely.

maybe you could shorten this line somehow:
"Lying in a sweet summer blanket"

short and sweet poem.

That was good,
You tried to express a lot through this small poem.Well done.

Although it has a positive feel to it, I'm with Brad on the "wordiness" of it all. Reading is difficult as the flow isn't quite there yet. I think with a better metre it could be improved.

this piece is very very interesting, nice concept.

But it confused me alot, and I dont think is is merely because Im a little bit thick in the head.

I think it might be generally confusing.

Exactly whom is "Yearning slightly for
Less room to eat."

loverly poem, timjim, don't let these catter-walers (sp?) get you down! "hoenyed sunbeams"=very cool. *gives a cookie*

gyrf - We're trying to help. I like his poem. I'm not trying to make him unhappy. Comments like that aren't very nice to other people, who, even if we can be harsh, simply want to see timjim improve.

I agree with SlickJimmy, it's a bit confusing. I think playing with the line breaks and experimenting with this could make it a better poem.

not all the lines have to start in the same place, especially with a poem this short. Make it look nice, along with reading nice.