Removed

Removed due to publication.

Hi BohemeMistress,


Worry not--this is not as bad as the last piece I reviewed.

That being said, you need to work on your ability to consult the thesaurus and the meaning of brevity. There was too much repetition without content here.

"I’m the only one—no one else sees what I see.
My eyes see hills of pain but feel no remorse."

"I rained on them bullets,
And fed poison to their children…I gave them monsters dressed as dolls and watched them beg me to free them.
I didn’t."

"Because
They
Will
Never
Get to me. "

"You see? I’m stronger."

are an over-modified mish-mash of images that wind up repeating themselves and contributing nothing to the poem as a whole.

The following:

"They say I can’t feel,
I can."

is salvegeable. Toss the rest of it.


All the best,
Brad

I disagree with ican, somewhat.

There is a lot more salvageable than that.

But there is some of that other stuff he was talking about, too much modification of the mishing and the mashing.

If you are describing a pure evil, no need to dress it up so much.

Thanks, like i said this was only the base of my idea, i'm planning on adding a lot to it. thanks for the feedback!

I like the idea. And I think your inspiration seems true but perhaps you should let it flow more.

I'm not going to get technical because I'm just not good with technicalities. Don't focus so much on writing, just write.

Revise it, but keep in mind, it does have the potential to be great. (Wow, that sounded cheezy. Sorry, I am like a ball of cheeze today.)

Wow

I love it...... LOVE IT

I know this is going to sound strange... but, dont think so hard when you are writing. Just write. Let the ink flow from your pen on its own. Dont focus so hard on what your trying to write. I myself would change the format a little to, but thats just me.

some of the spacing resembles ee cummings. It would flow better if it didn't. Sentences spread
out
like
this

are a bit harder to read, the slow doesn't work. Still, it's quite nice, generally speaking.

I gave them monsters dressed as dolls and watched them beg me to free them.
I didn’t."

I liked this part.

BohemeMistress wrote:Depression is realization of reality.

For some reason, I really like this. It sounds scholarly. It sounds like it's from the heart.

BohemeMistress wrote:Maybe I wanted to be in here…ever think of that?
Left alone with time and thought
A combination more deadly that love and war.

This is by far one of my favorite parts of the poem. It sounds like it not only came from the heart and mind, but from experience.

Nice job! I love the way you write.
Pandora