Young Writers Society

“You’re growing restless. You cannot tear your eyes from him.” Carolyn spoke to me over breakfast one morning.


I could not withhold the sigh that escaped me, as I stirred my oatmeal. How was I to respond to such an accusation? Such an accusation happened to be the truth and I knew it well. “We’re to be married in November.” I stated plainly.

“November? What a horrid month to wed! And why so soon?” Beverly commented.

To buy my time, I simply took another bite of my oatmeal and sipped my coffee. My insides were burning.

“I find November to be a pleasant month,” I lie. “It doesn’t make a difference to me, honestly.”

At this the ladies let small gasps escape their lips.

You’re all so fake.

“Tell me, darling- Do you have the ring yet?” Olivia prompts.

I lift my left hand and dangle it in the middle of the table for everyone to see the jewel. They giggle and remark in delight until I can hardly stand it.

What would be the point of telling them the truth of it? I would only ruin this game and only disappoint them further.

Julia meets my eyes at once and I take a moment to avert them. She reads me like a dry page of a history novel. She knows me all too well.


Darien is the man whom was chosen for me. A handsome, dark haired, deep eyed, musician. Dreamy really. Fair skinned, broad shouldered, with a devious smile one could die for. He’s charming and polite to most everyone. His father holds a fortune in property and investments and is on good terms with the king.

What’s missing?

A pulse, perhaps?

rosethorn wrote: To buy my time, I simply took another bite of my oatmeal and sipped my orange juice. My insides were burning.

Ok, this says to me that the food and OJ burned your stomach. maybe "To buy my time, I simply took another bite of my oatmeal. I then intentionally sipped my orange juice slowly, which still could not stop my insides from burning."

Also, at first reading, i was thrown off by oatmeal being served at this brunch(?). But you paint a good picture of a bunch of sour ladies having a gossip fest, so what better fare than oatmeal.

I was surprised to find out they spoke of a king. Are they peasants eating oatmeal? or people of nobilty eating oatmeal? The names and surrounds make hobnobbing with a king somewhat unlikely.

Peasant girl unhappily weds a nobleman always makes for a good tale, but if so, you may want to be blunt about it. let us know the other ladies are jealous because of this. Or at least ell us why they jealous, cuz they seem jealous. And I am totally ADD so I am going to nothing for next three days but try and figure it out.

Bottomline, if you started it, you thought of it, if you thought of it, you need it. If this does not survive on its own, then you should fit it into another piece of work. (notice I did not say force it into another piece of work)

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To buy my time, I simply took another bite of my oatmeal and sipped my orange juice. My insides were burning.

....

His father holds a fortune in property and investments and is on good terms with the king.

I was confused as to which year this was set in. For some reason ‘orange juice’ conjured up a modern day story and then ‘king’ suggested a historical period.

You’re all so fake.

That’s a thought, I’m guessing. It should be in italics and again I had imagined a more classical way of saying that.

He’s charming and polite to most everyone.

I think you ought to take out ‘most’.

As a very brief introduction it doesn't really give any clear pictures of who these women are. You could work on a little description or at least suggest where they are: kitchen, lounge, etc.

I didn't really see how this was written in a classical style. I can't add much more to what Jimmy has already said. Good luck with the project!

-- Myth

I'm not sure what you mean by 'classic,' like....old? Because classic isn't really a style. Classic literature, by definition I suppose, is something that is from any time period but could still be read, understood and related to no matter what year it is. That's why they say Romeo and Juliet is a classic, we still love no matter what time period, so you can relate to it. I thought an example would help.

Now, Are you trying to for old? as in 18th/17th century? If so, I only see it through the dialog. A suggestion would be to read literature from the time period you wish to achieve, it helps a lot. It's what I do! Also, I think you tried so hard to get the style to work you let other sections falter. The characters are unknown to us at this time, and so is the plot and purpose and all that jazz. Hope this helped!

I agree with the above comments. The "classic" thing isn't really working for me, especially with the modern-sounding orange juice and oatmeal.

The main character was dry and witty enough for her to be interesting, though. That's definitely a plus.

You also seem to use synonyms for the word "said" a lot. Substitutes like "commented" and "prompts" are useful occasionally, but a lot of times they just distract the reader from the novel. Sometimes plain ol' said is good enough!

And whatever you do, don't start your pieces with a poll. Why? Because you're asking for black and white answers, yes or no. Most of the time, a piece of writing just can't be evaluated like that. There are good and bad points in EVERY piece, and I do mean each one. So asking a reader to put your work in one category or the other is insulting to your piece. Should it not be looked at from each and every aspect, good and bad?