The Story

THE STORY

Approximately three days ago a book was published by an author that has been considered dead for a long time. The man Greg Thron was assassinated five years ago. A national investigation has now begun to find how this phenomena has happened...

U.S.A. 9:30 P.M.
"A blanket of snow fell over his face" So these are the first words of the mystery book eh thought John to himself. He ruffled his black hair as he looked at the book's cover. John was a successful police officer. He had medium tone skin a tall structure and moderate clothing. He was also one of the few chosen officers to participate in the national investigation. He would soon be going to Russia to investigate the publishing company. John sighed he had never been in an investigation this large it he found the whole situation to be very stressful. He began to pack his belongings.

~<>~
"A blanket of snow fell over his face" Hafer Yikelin read these words with a grim face. So these are the words of the author I killed many years ago thought Hafer. Hafer was a lethal assassin who had been in business for many years he had medium toned skin with slightly brownish colored hair. He knew they would be coming for him, the agency that hired him for that job. He had failed that mission apparently and now the price of failure was death. Hafer heard a car pulling up the driveway he immediately scrambled to his basement. Middle aged men who were heavily armed came out and stood at the door they were prepared to infiltrate. BAM...the door not by their doing telling them that they were not welcome. They ran to the other side of the house and commenced to begin knocking down the walls. Once they were through Hafer crawled furiously through one of the escape tunnels in the basement. The men immediately ran to the basement knowing that was were Hafer would hide they saw the escape tunnel and began crawling through it. Too late...the tunnel exploded from the charges Hafer set in it. Hafer was out of the tunnel when it blew he quickly ran toward the killer's car. It was locked so Hafer simply smashed the window crawled inside and began driving it away. Hafer knew that the battle had just begun he would finish the job even if it cost him his life.

~<>~
John went through the security systems constantly reminding the officers that he was a cop. Once he finally got on the plane he looked in his bag for his CD player. Instead he found a copy of the mystery book he had not packed that. Something about this whole thing seemed really wrong to him.
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Please tell me whether this idea for a story is any good or not!!

I would definitely like to see more of this. It sounds unique; I haven't read anything similar to this, anyway. It would be interesting to see what you do with this.

As for the story: a few typos you can probably catch on your own in a simple read through, but nothing too major.

The one thing that irked me the most was your descriptions.

Here:

Lampshade wrote:He ruffled his black hair as he looked at the book's cover. John was a successful police officer. He had medium tone skin a tall structure and moderate clothing.

And here:

Hafer was a lethal assassin who had been in business for many years he had medium toned skin with slightly brownish colored hair.

Why is this not a very good thing? Because you're info dumping. Basically, you're "dumping" the background story on the reader all at once so you can move along with the story. Don't do that! Please! It's so much more interesting when we, the readers, get to find these things out for ourselves...it's almost like unraveling a mystery...

And you don't have to describe every aspect of your character's appearance either. Sometimes it's cool to just let the reader use their imagination, and come up with their own idea of what he looks like.

As I said, I'd like to see what you can do with this. If this story interests you, by all means, plow ahead!

Interesting idea. A story written by a man who was assassinated? This could be a difficult one in plot terms, surely an experianced assassin would...well, check the corpse, feel for a pulse, that sort of thing. However, if you feel confident enough to post this on a forum I assume you have everything planned out and how he escaped his fate.
Apart from the odd sentence it was pretty much fine, I'd suggest a basic read-through to iron out the problems though, but there's nothing major.

~Z~ wrote:Interesting idea. A story written by a man who was assassinated? This could be a difficult one in plot terms, surely an experianced assassin would...well, check the corpse, feel for a pulse, that sort of thing. However, if you feel confident enough to post this on a forum I assume you have everything planned out and how he escaped his fate.
Apart from the odd sentence it was pretty much fine, I'd suggest a basic read-through to iron out the problems though, but there's nothing major.

I'm pretty sure the point of views are the investigator, John, and the assassin, Hafer. The story that is written by the dead man is a novel, which he wrote before he was killed. He's not the narrator, the other two, aforementioned characters (so far) are.

Cassandra wrote:

~Z~ wrote:Interesting idea. A story written by a man who was assassinated? This could be a difficult one in plot terms, surely an experianced assassin would...well, check the corpse, feel for a pulse, that sort of thing. However, if you feel confident enough to post this on a forum I assume you have everything planned out and how he escaped his fate.
Apart from the odd sentence it was pretty much fine, I'd suggest a basic read-through to iron out the problems though, but there's nothing major.

I'm pretty sure the point of views are the investigator, John, and the assassin, Hafer. The story that is written by the dead man is a novel, which he wrote before he was killed. He's not the narrator, the other two, aforementioned characters (so far) are.

Yes, what I meant was the book inside his story, the one written by the assassinated man, was published by him after his death. This means, if I follow correctly, he is still alive despite an assassin believing him dead.

Okay, so Cassandra already addressed the info-dumping issue, and I back her 100%. Letting the characters' details leak out one by one is far more satisfying for the writer than a straight list. Mysterious is good! (especially if this is going to be a mystery/suspense novel, which it definitely has the potential to be).

I would also try to lengthen the point of view parts. In a longer (say, novel) format, switching points of view ever couple of paragraphs will surely get on the reader's nerves.

Again, like Cassandra said, there are several typos that you should be able to find no problem, but just let me know if you have any questions!

A very interesting concept. A book written by an assasinated man? Clean this up, let me know, and I'll definitely read more of this.

The man [comma] Greg Thron[comma] was assassinated five years ago.

The man, and Greg Thorn, are both the same thing which is an appositive so there should be commas.

"A blanket of snow fell over his face" So these are the first words of the mystery book eh thought John to himself.

I think the 'first words of the book' and the thought needs some more punctuation, though I'm not sure what exactly. Maybe a period after 'face' and a comma after 'eh'?

He ruffled his black hair as he looked at the book's cover. John was a successful police officer. He had medium tone skin a tall structure and moderate clothing. He was also one of the few chosen officers to participate in the national investigation. He would soon be going to Russia to investigate the publishing company. John sighed [comma] he had never been in an investigation this large it he found the whole situation to be very stressful. He began to pack his belongings.

"he" comes up several times here, repeating itself and cutting off the flow. Try switching back and forth from 'john' to 'he' and back to john. The bold sentence, it makes no sense at all and needs something fixed.

I didn't even try to finish the, what is it? Third paragraph. it needs a lot of punctuation fix, and its hard to keep up with because I can't read it properly. its the one with Hafer Yikelin

The story is interesting for sure! and would be nice if continued. The only thing I didn't like is the character description info dumps, those could be done away with.

This sounds like a great idea. I cant wait to read it.