Two Peoms

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I haven't posted anything for a while, so I thought I'd chuck these two untitled pieces on here and see what you throw back

One

Like the smoke curling round my fingers,
Like the cherries that fall from trees,
Like the promises kept, and guilt carried -
You will always stay around

Always there to remind me of summer's sweet wine,
And the stars we watched whilst turning to frost,
from the roof of your car.

Those feelings mistook for so much,
It was all just so many red leaves
scattered in autumn like promises, and secrets.
It was all just the stories we told.
Jokes we shared.

All they were was Envy,
Not to be With you, but Be you.
Simplicity,
Jealousy.


Two

Dogs bark,
Water freezes to ice,
You said that you loved me.

Life's cold,
Like seasons it fractures.
I'm sick now.

Shards. And strikes.
And calling from the walls.

I'm so sick of portraying,
Sketching, like an arrogant twig.
The boy who adored me.
Oh the trees!
Take me back to London please!!!




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Nice to see you back, Sophie! :D

I think the weirdest thing about both these poems is their lack of imagery. It's just a bunch of fragments you tied together, but it really doesn't seem to connect. So instead of telling us what's going on, show it. Present some rich imagery for us to connect to instead of the bare fragments you have here.

Good luck! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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Points 1507
Reviews 98
Awesome advice. Pretty obvious thing to be lacking and yet I missed it.
It's probably all the badly chosen poetry we're studying in English Lit, it's drained all the imagery out of me.
Oh the trees!
Take me back to London please!!!




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Gender Female
Points 9692
Reviews 3900
Yuck! Bad poetry is a blight to the soul... teachers should pay attention to the stuff they force others to read. O_o
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 171
uhhhh i'd love to praise this work.... but i can't. :(



The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling.
— Fabienne Fredrickson