Nothing Wrong With America

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Just a small idea I've been playing with. Please, tell me what you think.

***

If father finds this, I am dead. The words reverberated in her brain to the tempo of her fluttering heart. The scrap of paper held in her hands was of little consequence, really. Picked up off the ground, no one would know or understand the dangers it implied. But discovered in her room by her father's wandering hands...the very thought chilled her blood. She recited the simple words and numbers over and over again until they became etched into her memory. Lunch tomorrow, 2:00? Call me. 727.0380 *Ari

He sat next to her during life drawing that afternoon, asked her name. He said she fascinated him. He told her his name was Abraham, but everyone called him Ari. He wanted to have lunch with her. He wanted to break bread with her. He didn't understand.

She could feel her face flush with embarrassment and shame. Never had she desired so much to be other than what she was. Khalidah al-Jamil bint Haroun al-Abdu'llah bin Nidal al-Rashid. Bound and gagged by a tyrant father, a silent mother, and a country not quite her own.

Her mind raced with reasons to make a phone call that evening. She prayed with every step and every breath that Father was not home. She could tell her mother she had to reschedule her music lessons. She would call Ari, then call her music teacher and reschedule, so her mother could not take the blame if Father did find out. If he was home, she would have no chance. She knew he listened to her conversations on the kitchen phone. What could she do? What could she say? Yet she knew it wasn't right. This was not their country. The rules had changed.

*

They shuffled off the airplane in a daze. It felt like none of them had slept in ages. Khalidah had no idea why Father has decided to drag her mother and she along. They could have stayed in Tikrit, with Uncle and Auntie and the twins. He insisted. The girls hadn't wanted her to leave. She cuddled them and told them she'd be home soon.

“Just think,” she had said, “you two will be five when I return! I'm sure we'll be home just in time to celebrate.”

They chased after the car with their mother until the edge of town, shouting “Bissamala!”

The little ones were placated, Khalidah was not so sure. She had a sick feeling in her stomach, as though she had eaten something rotten without knowing it. Uncle had said there were young men in town again, talking destruction and hate.

“If Father likes the job, will we stay?” she had whispered to her mother during the long flight in coach. It was rare that they were alone. The company had offered two business and one coach seat, or one first class and two coach. He was upfront enjoying wine and free hors d'oeuvres while she and her mother were crammed in with a motion-sick grandmother and a screaming two-year-old. It did not matter much to her, however. She enjoyed the time alone with her mother.

“If Father likes the job, will we stay?”

“I don't know, dear one. I hope not.”

“Insha'allah! Why must we go in the first place? Could not Uncle care for us in Father's stead?”

“La.” She shook her head sadly. “He would not let us stay. I tried to appeal to him. He insisted we come. It will be a good experience. You can learn a great many things, Khalidah.”

“About what, Umm? What is there to learn in that awful place, with those terrible people? What good can come from being in a place where the people have no morals! No God! Jews at best, Christians at worst, and every one of them--”

“Allah alim, girl! Now be silent.”

Khalidah was silent. But her brain burned with anger at having to move to a country seething with selfishness, godlessness, ignorance...She was furious with Father for dragging them along. She tried to convince herself that it wouldn't be as bad as they said. She was not flying off to greet the Great Satan. She was not going to be stripped of her dignity and forced to convert. There was nothing terrible awaiting her, no fate like those described by the young men she knew. That there was nothing wrong with America.
Last edited by Khayriyyah on Tue Oct 03, 2006 3:33 am, edited 1 time in total.
~assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh~may the peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be with you~




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Wow. This is really amazing. It makes me sad, because I know so many people think America is a horrible place. I suppose it's partially true, depending on where you go, but it's not all horrible.

Anyway, this was beautiful and tragic at the same time. Very interesting and well-written.
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Wow... that's all I can say. If more people read this, then maybe Americans would have a better understanding of Muslims and their religion. Just one more demonstration of the power the written word can possess. Keep up the good work!
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I read it and liked it. More comments to come later, when I'm less about to fall off this world. ;)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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Same for me - there are some comments I'd like to make, but this is a placeholder for my critique, and a point to say that on first read, it really does strike a chord. If anything, it needs to be more developed: if you can get us to appreciate the characters this much in a couple of paragraphs, a longer story could be truly excellent.
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though we do not speak, we are by no means silent.




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It is just a brief introduction into what I am hoping will be a fictionalized version of my experiences here in the States. One writes what one knows, yes? I really do want the advice from all of you, so that I may flesh this out into a reality.

This first bit is hopefully a lead in to the opening chapter, but I would like to know how much potential my ideas really have before continuing on. Its very hard for me to find the time to write.

EDIT: I thought about this during class, and wanted to be sure everyone understood.

Khalidah al-Jamil bint Haroun al-Abdu'llah bin Nidal al-Rashid is the shortest version of my given name. It means Khalidah the Beautiful, daughter of Haroun the Servent of Allah, son of Nidal the Riteous. Khalidah means 'one who remains strong'. I go by Karida in school. It is much easier for my teachers and classmates.

"La" is "No." It is my parents' favorite word.
"Bissamala!" means "Have a safe journey!"
"Insha'allah" is "God willing."
"Umm" is "mother"
"Allah alim" is "God knows best."

Were I to novelize this, I would provide a basic vocabulary in the back, so as not to confuse most readers. I hope it helps.
~assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh~may the peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be with you~




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If you're thinking of writing such a novel (the kind of story which is, I believe, massively important to today's society) I would encourage you to read My Name is Asher Lev by Chaim Potok - it's based on something of the same idea, although it is structured around a Jewish boy's struggle with himself and his talents as much as with a foreign culture. It's an excellent read, and I think it would offer you some real help in continuing to write this.

You have a good style, though we'll see how you manage to keep our sympathy with the reader as the story progresses. I'd be eager to see this continued.
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though we do not speak, we are by no means silent.




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Fantastic. I loved this. Excellently written, it has vast potential so I do hope you write that novel.

Hehe, I didn't need translation. It was cool that I understood what you were saying.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

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Oh dear...

Yeah. Now I must a really lame critic and say that I really did like this and I hope that you turn this into a novel. :)

Two things, but mostly just grammatical stuff:

“Just think!” She had said, “You two will be five when I return. I'm sure we'll be home just in time to celebrate.”


It should be:

“Just think!” she had said. “You two will be five when I return. I'm sure we'll be home just in time to celebrate.”

“La.” She shook her head sadly, “He would not let us stay.


It should be:

“La.” She shook her head sadly. “He would not let us stay.

And maybe, MAYBE you can separate the last sentence from the rest. But that's purely optional... you don't have to do that.

Still... good work! Let's see what this turns into. :)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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Thank you all very much.

Jiggity, where are you from?

Snoink, the grammar is what I need the most assistance with. My English is not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination.

I shall revise and add on in the next few days, as my job allows.
~assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh~may the peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be with you~




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I'm Lebanese, Australian.

I was born in Australia, so I'm more Aussie then Leb. Truthfully, I'm like an outcast in my family ... I mean, I can read! LOL.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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Dahling, it's fantastic.
I really enjoyed reading it, I think there's great potential for a novel there. In all honesty, I couldn't even tell that Engish wasn't your first language, you make the words dance like a native speaker! It was really great, becasue even though I didn't know what the unfamiliar words said, it was easy to discern from the contex (sp?) and that shows real skill
Totally enjoyed it!
"In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function...We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful." ~C.S. Lewis



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