Home Alone

Okay, this is my first story post here. It's a short story I wrote in a boring study lab. It's not my best work, but I thought I'd post it. It's in fiction, because it isn't really true... Feel free to give me some constructive critsim, you guys!

Home Alone
The light passed through the windowpanes with a weightless and airy grace. Dust danced through the little paths light like glitter. There was no longer any curtains to block it out, to save those savored moments of Sunday morning sleeping in. Now was there a body hidden beneath the covers, nor bed or covers at all. The clothes that had once hung it that closet, now gone. And those pictures of family, long disappeared, after all, with no life why have pictures of just that very thing, and if there is no proof of it, then did anyone live there at all?

Yes, for the house, so empty, once upon a time had been full… of laughter, love, and sometimes yells. And once upon a time that house stood bare with, but only one or two set inside its walls. But, with now proof of it was there anyone there at all? No, it seems… it’s so empty, so dead, so long forgotten, lost. Who would want to live there? Anyone, anyone at all? Yes, not just when those desperate times, call for such desperate measures, but when that light comes in and fills the place, and with just pure imagination that house has become a home. And not just one’s home alone, no. That house was a home before, a home to one, two, three, four. That home was left a house, but before, before that house was a home. And a home, a home alone.



Tell me what you think, please!

WORDY (And I know wordy, haha)

Yeah, I know, it's very very wordy, but, like I said, boring study lab so I just kept going.

Well, since all Jim can say is, "wordy," I'll help you out a bit more.

Yes, it is wordy. But what you have to do is pull back on the adjectives. Being descriptive is nice, but it can get very overwhelming. Choose carefully what you describe, and try to use verbs the fit it better, or adjectives that portray everything perfectly.

It's also hard to follow, because some of your sentences are gutted and filled with rambling that is hard to understand. Read over it (Especially the second paragraph) and try to have it make more sense.

I can't even tell what its about, other than a house. So i hope this helped a little. It was interesting, you have talent, you just put too much frosting on the cake

Hard to get meaning with all the words and, well, words.

( How is what Claudette said different than what I said. )

To both of you: I know, I do that alot! Thanks for the advise, and I promise not to be so cracked-out on words next time!

I agree it was wordy, but I thought it was really quite interesting. It felt more like I was reading a poem of some long forgotten house, with countless memories. I liked your descriptions in the beginning of the first paragraph.

The light passed through the windowpanes with a weightless and airy grace. Dust danced through the little paths light like glitter.

The words you used are very airy and light hearted, giving a good description. But yes it was wordy like others have said. Too many adjectives, it confused me a lot and I couldn't quite get your point. I had to read over a couple of different parts over again. I'm not sure where you were going with it, but if you did some editing, you could go anywhere with this story. You definitely have talent and vision, keep writing.

Thanks, aeroman! I know I use far to many adjectives. I typed this straight from the notebook paper it was written on with very little editing, but with all this advice I've been getting, I think I'll go back and edit it more.

short and sweet work there,GL77.
i love your avie.

meow and rebeak to your story.
good job with the word selection. the beginning line is amazing!

Thanks, Sohini!