Shakespeare Style

The first line is borrowed from a Midsommer Night's Dream.

Being in night, all this is but a dream,
Too flattering-sweet to be substantial.
Harsh dawn keeps distance enough to remain.
And to prolong night is to enrich pain
Fresh once more to feel. Only in shadow
Is the ground pathed with silver enamel.

Being in night, all this is but a dream,
Too flattering-sweet to be substantial.

My darling, if you are going to quote the Bard, at least get it right. That line is from Romeo and Juliet, not Midsummer. In the famous orchard scence, Romeo states: O blessed, blessed night! I am afeard, being in night, all this is but a dream, too flattering-sweet to be substantial.

I don't want to nit-pick, but such a mistake comes across as ignorant, and puts me off from reading the rest.

So - here you have a very short poem. Not only is it short, but the first two (two, not one!) lines are not your own.

So, that leaves you roughly four lines in which to impress your reader with your skill. Possible, of course, but they have to be pretty massively powerful lines.

Now, actually, they aren't bad lines. But there just isn't any punch there - there's no image to hit me in the gut and make me say "wow, that really affects how I view a certain topic." Instead, we get stock images of night, darkness, pain, shadow - they've been used many, many times before, and there just isn't a lot of 'oomph' left in them. You're going to have to come up with something much more original and unsettling to make the reader sit up and think "woah - here's a thing worth reading again and thinking about."

The plus, however, is some good technical skills. Your rhythm is right on, ten syllables per line, and I like the meter too, how it flows.

These are kind of pretty, and you've set them up well, but there just isn't anything there - because you haven't got very much content, you need each word and line to be a perfectly placed sucker-punch, and they just don't affect the heart that way, I'm afraid.

As a side note, if you're planning to quote other people's lines exactly, it's considered decent to make them stand out in some way, such as putting them in quotes or (my personal choice) italics. If you don't, it's basically a sly form of plagarism. Just a thought for nect time.

Since this has been brought to my attention, I will comment on it. Note that such an occurance is rare these days. Especially for poetry.

Usually, when you borrow a starting place, you throw it out before you show it to anyone. You should also take more care to know what your taking from, really.

The transition from the Bard's work to your own is obvious, and clumbsy.

After that, your rhyme scheme is akward. It dosn't sit quite right. Normally here, I'd say something like "especially X and Y" but in this case, all the rhyming is pretty bad. we go from remain to pain to shadow to... enamel? That doesn't fit. It doesn't work, and its not artful.

It almost feels forced. Like you had an idea of something that you wanted to work with, and tried to mold everything around that. What that is, I can't say, but it doesn't feel like it ever flowed naturally.

It's a pretty good attempt -- ten syllables to the line, language isn't too anachronistic, etc -- but it ain't Shakespeare unless it's in iambic pentameter.

This poem works.... short is GOOD.... if it was any longer it would put people off! I think its great... so what if the 1st two lines aren't yours??? Does it matter? NO!!!
I think its great...... keep up the good work!!!!
(Sometimes people that say you come across ignorant ARE ignorant themselves!!!!!!)
If it works for you it works for others !! Learn to love your own work before getting others to comment.

Anyway, I'm a fan!!!
Good luck,
Lexy x

Lexy, a note: please learn to know what you're talking about before you say it. Just because something works for the person who wrote it does not mean it works for other people: poems full of inside jokes and references are some of the most ineffective, and should be left in a diary.

The subject of your post, "don't listen to what the others have said!!!!" is entirely unhelpful and betrays a complete ignorance of how critiquing and commenting works: since your reply evidenced absolutely nothing in the way of helpful information for redrafting and improving, do try not to put down other people's attempts to help without any decent input yourself.

In short, stop slamming other people who know what they're talking about, and stop trying to sound as if you know what you're talking about.

Um, to be honest I'm not sure if either of those posts were helpful, though the first was obviously well-meant and I appreciate that. I mean, since I wrote the thing I should know whether it's helpful right?

First of all, I posted something I didn't like very much and didn't take too seriously. In all candour I've been intimidated and I didn't want to get torn to shreds for something I cared about. That I made a bad reference to Shakespeare was an accident, as I was working on two of his plays at once. If people want to call me ignorant then go ahead, as I'm sure you're all much more keyed-in to Shakespeare.

The thing is, as much as I admire the level of dedication people bring to critiquing, sometimes I wonder if it's a little too much?

I know writing goes wrong and I am the first to admit if my writing goes badly but I've been called a plagarist, ignorant. It "puts me off reading the rest" too.

I'll come to my final query before I leave you alone. I've posted a couple of serious pieces on here and none of them seemed to receive as many posts as this: are you just critiquing it because it's extraordinairely bad? I would've thought critique would be evenly spread.

Honey, you can't take critiques personally. I said it makes you come across as ignorant...I never said you were. Bob suggested italicising the Shakespeare lines so you don't get accused of plagiarism. He never called you a plagiarist.

Please don't take what you recieve here on the board personally, and don't interpret it as a personal attack either. That is not our intent.

Aye, we go for honest and work-oriented; like Gal says, I didn't mean to call you a plagerist, it was just a suggestion to help avoid others doing it in the future.

Since we can't all critique everything all the time (just not enough hours in the day), usually what gets done is just what catches our eye - it's usually just luck what gets more comments than others. Everyone on this site is at a different level, but we pitch our critiques to give the most information possible. How you use that is up to you, but it's definitely helpful to have everything possible given to you, improvement-wise. This is, after all, a critiquing board, not somewhere to come for a pat on the back; the best critiquers are those who act like editors, not Livejournal readers.

Anyway, don't take things personally - we're just trying to give you as much help as possible. Comments like the one I jumped on are well and truly annoying, however, as they effectively negate half the useful information we've put our time and effort into by confusing the writer; they quite simply should be said, and she'll have to learn that it's counterproductive and hugely irritating.

Mmmm...

Yeah. I actually like it that you altered the first line. It fits for its purpose. You edited it quite nicely, I think. And if you did the original line from Shakespeare, I would think it silly.

So keep it the way it is.

I can't say that this poem is particularly startling, but it's good as writing practice. You have pretty imagery. Obviously, since Shakespeare is considered the best friggin' writer who ever lived, the rest of the poem is overshadowed by the first two lines, but that's okay. Honest. I don't think any of us who are on here are as good as Shakespeare (though some of us would like to think otherwise... ).

Remember wrote:I'll come to my final query before I leave you alone. I've posted a couple of serious pieces on here and none of them seemed to receive as many posts as this: are you just critiquing it because it's extraordinairely bad? I would've thought critique would be evenly spread.

Er... I think those who critique more get more critiques, and the more helpful your critiques, the more people will look at your own work. Also, what HUGELY helps is when you ask people to critique your works, in a PM or something. Because I know I critique a lot, but I sometimes get minimal response, which is slightly discouraging. But, at the same time I know that if I ask people, most will be willing to look at your works. ^_^

I just find it so ironic that now, of all times, I get a reply.

I must remember to post controversial/snippy remarks all the time

And yeah, I don't think I'm good as Shakespeare, or that I'm in need of a pat on the back.

But....(and please, since I'm not meant to take your comments personally, don't take this personally) for first-time users....sometimes you need a bit of easing in, because I'm sure you must remember what it was like to post for the first time?

Anyway, goodbye.

I'm sure you must remember what it was like to post for the first time?

Yep, no replies. By the time people got around to trashing my work, I was begging for it.

Begin as you mean to continue! Niceties are for the Welcome forum.