A Short fun little Fable

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Very creative and...Disturbing.

You could combine some of the sentences to make it flow better. It's a little choppy, in my opinion.

Poor pandas.

Not sure what you're trying to go for here: is it (black) humour? I know it's a "fable" with a message at the end and all that, but it seems like it's also straining to be funny.

Until I know that it's hard to critique.

At the moment though, there's no real flow; it stops and starts all the time. It makes it very hard to read easily. You also repeat a lot of the same words. It's also quite short; I think it could be developed a lot better to have a more rounded off story.

At the moment it's very bare-bones stuff. But if you use your creativity (pandas, kittens, etc.) which is great, maybe try and insert some more comedy into it, it'll make it more powerful, readable and entertaining.

I note that at this moment you have 666 points - how appropriate.

I (kind of) understand the idea, but... just no. I'm afraid it just doesn't really work on any level; it isn't really funny, because you're contantly aware of the horrible style in which it's written (not to mention the lack of... well, humour), the moral doesn't really get across because you're busy thinking "this is just silly..." and it certainly doesn't win any merit points for being well written: you're just telling with a "he did this, he did that, they did this, they thought that, etc etc etc" structure, which is sinfully boring and sets your teeth on edge - there's no showing, no imagery, no metaphor, no expression.

So, yeah, it wasn't fun for me. Or a fable, really.

But it was short. I'll give you that much.

This really reminds me of the story "Spud" or whatever it was called that Snoink posted from TYWS...yeesh.

Well, I know its not the greatest fable and it may not flow but I came up with the idea in school and thought "what the heck" Ill put it on YWS.
Thanks for all the comments.
and
Just curious, is there a certain way you have to right a fable, this is my first attempt. Does a fable have to be written in any specific way, like a poem?

I wasn't really going for funny, and I wasn't really trying to make some big point with this fable. But Ive always loved hearing fables so I tried writing one.
Thank You

supercanti wrote:Does a fable have to be written in any specific way, like a poem?

webster wrote:: a fictitious narrative or statement: as a : a legendary story of supernatural happenings b : a narration intended to enforce a useful truth; especially : one in which animals speak and act like human beings

I don't think fables have to be written any certain way. I think for the most part they're just supposed to get a point/moral across.

YAY!

And, OMG, you should so totally go to the bookstore and BUY some of James Thurber's books. Yes. All the ones that you can fit your hands on. He has a similar style to yours (though a little bit more refined, I suppose) so you can pick up a couple of things from him.

Here's an example of his "parables" :

http://newark.rutgers.edu/~lcrew/quotes/picnicba.html

And you HAVE to read some of John Lennon's writing. It's crazy too, but in a good but really random way. You can see his works here:

http://www.geocities.com/baby-lemonade/ihow_toc.html

Anyway, enjoy!

Im going to have to pick up some of James Thurber's stuff. His take on a now-a-days little red riding hood is just priceless.
Ive always been a fan of John Lennon.

Oh, James Thurber is awesome. And his work is timeless. He was born in 1894 and did his writing in the 1920's, but his writing STILL holds up to this day. You'll love him.

Just curious, is there a certain way you have to right a fable, this is my first attempt. Does a fable have to be written in any specific way, like a poem?

Make it a little more punchy and effective, then it'll get the moral across - and be a fable!