The Stones of Tareth

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EDIT: I'm having to rework this idea currently (so I'm keeping it under wraps for now.) This is not even close to how the story will be. For right now if you want to read something by me, read the Veil Not Seen instead of this! Here is the url... viewtopic.php?t=10753 Both stories take place in the same world.

~Aero

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“Move!" The lion of a man screamed, I was shaken violently, a reminder that this was no dream and yet the worst nightmare I had ever been in.

“Didn't you hear me, you piece of filth?”

The stench of his hot breath made my skin shudder in disgust, and I was soon past his head as his lumbering arms shook me again. The man’s eyes were coal black, and I wondered if he had experienced love. His greasy hair and shadow of stubble gave him an unforgettable appearance. Hate towards this man blinded me endlessly, and my heart seethed at the very sight of him.

His clothes were made of a simple, woven material that barely contained his mammoth-like body. Nearly seven feet tall, this was no man of ordinary strength, and the night was still etched into my memory when Father and Mother were broken like mere twigs. Staring into those terrifying eyes, the rage and malice I felt contorted inside me.

Images flashed of Mother screaming in tears as she watched Father resisting the hooded assailants. The home was a fiery inferno that lit the tree tops, reflecting vividly in the ocean surf, and I hid in horror, like a coward. I could no longer hide in fear, I would be a man soon enough.

My mind came back to reality as I was ruthlessly shoved into the morass, showering me with putrid mud. A resounding crack cut the air from afar, as a beastly pain suddenly arced through my body. Gasping for breath, I moaned. The thread-bare body of the horse I was tied to lunged forward with a swish. They were slave drivers, the most unholy mess of people in the world, treating mankind as if they were an item to be sold about like a commodity.

My steely blue eyes hardened as I trudged slowly, hunched over. I had once held my head high reaching nearly six feet, but slavery had taken its cruel toll. I was haggard and hollow eyed from the beatings I had suffered, and through the day my body endured its endless torment. I had learned in the past week that if I were to stay alive I had to bide my time for vindication, I was no fool, but someday I would get my revenge…

Traipsing forward through the oppressive dust, the landscape became an endless blur of scenery as the days passed. Smoky-capped mountains as tall as the eye could see lay in the distance, and vast expanses of unexplored canopies lay in wake of the road. My feet stiffened through their strenuous task that was wrought upon them by day.

The giant vandal who had slain my parents was Azgoth, and his slinky cohorts were Tweed and Harem. They were seemingly stolid, at first glance, having such small physiques, but my opinion changed quickly. Both men would prowl quietly ahead, scouting for signs; carrying razor-edged scimitars with leather looped about for a handle. The weapons were deadly, and they knew how to use them as trained murderers of the night. I had witnessed more than one unlucky fool who had their jugular slit by these snake-like assassins.

Azgoth was different, with a complexion as black as his heart, his mere presence invokes terror. His perceptions are great, detecting the slightest twinge from a blade of grass. Unprecedented, he carries—protectively—a slim, razor sharp, knife in his woven belt. I learned to observe his skills, even though my contempt was raised higher by the day.

The day passed but soon shadows began to creep forward as the sun extinguished over the horizon. Looming clouds collided overhead, casting a foreboding gloom, and the constant tap of rain began to pour on my beaten body. Looking up at the oppressive clouds I stuck out my parched tongue, searching for moisture. Slogging through the churned mud, mist began to tumble its way through the melancholy.

Tweed’s ears abruptly stiffened, and I stood in the unnerving silence, halting all movement. A quick motion of his hand, seemingly random, to Harem caught my eye. Looking quickly over to the other, he was nowhere to be found, becoming one with the mist.

Something was not right; the horse’s mouth began to froth white, and its eyes whirled in panic, grabbing its reins, Azgoth pulled us into the underbrush. Looking about in bewilderment, I tried to catch a glimpse of the assassins, but neither remained to be seen. My heart began to beat slowly, heavily. Breath was uneven, short coming, and barely audible in the silence. Sweat was pouring from every pore, burning my rapidly shifting eyes. Out of the darkness a foot scuffled to my right.

Screams split the air and hands reached for my throat. Instantly, my instincts came to life, butting forward a whoosh of air shot out. Coming up in a cat-like movement I hooked my tied hands into a jaw. Whirling around, I shifted defenselessly tied against the hooded figures that surrounded me. Hands fumbled, bringing sliver-thin daggers to bear. Grabbing the wrist of one, I wrestled him to the ground, but they were too great. I could feel blood trickling from my back as I was stabbed, blindly tousling amidst their cloaks.

Darkness began to reach in, as I gasped for air, farther and farther as I was swept into an endless gloom, but then a beacon glimmered through the haze. A giant figure stormed into the fray hooking right and left, turning to and fro. Instantly the once still night turned into a place of madness. The shadows fled, leaving me against a boulder, I stared at Azgoth heaving on the mossy floor, drenched in sweat. A light raced toward us in the wind-ridden air, illuminating Tweed’s ghostly face.

“Azgoth…” He panted, spluttering on his words.

“What were they?”

“Demons of the night, these woods are haunted with evil.” Harem’s eyes were vexed with panic as he looked at the other two.

“We have to leave, now!”

“Move!” Azgoth bellowed.

Tweed ripped forward, grabbing at my rags, wrenching myself through the muck. I stumbled, coughing and choking on the black mud that poured into my lungs. Breath would not come, and soon peaceful darkness silently crept into my mind. Slowly my eyes drifted shut as the torrents of rain drenched my body.

I reeled out of my dreamless sleep with a thud. Touching a finger to the dark trickle of blood from my temple, I held still listening to all.

Out of a silhouette in the dark, Harem’s sniveling voice rose up,” We’re not going to Tareth, Azgoth. Death awaits us there!”

“What did you say? Would you rather wait in this God forsaken forest!” Azgoth twirled throwing a knife a hair’s breadth from Harem’s eye splitting the very air.

Quivering in fear at the towering giant before him Harem replied, “I…I…”

“You what,” Azgoth whispered like death on the wind.

Moving in a flash he throttled Harem, gurgling into the mud, “You two listen to me or you die, here and now! Understand?” He roared.

“Right…boss.” Tweed muttered sinisterly, materializing out of the dark his eyes were lit, and his temple pulsated faster and faster.

“We were there too you know, we understand, but Tareth’s guards wait to kill us at the slightest chance they get. This slave idea is getting far too dangerous for my taste. I could care less about where you want us to go; plans change with the wind my friend.”

Azgoth twitched visibly, “I don’t think so…”

Tweed caught the movement, lunging forward he spun through the air like an acrobatic, clawing at the giant’s eyes.

Taking his advantage Tweed unsheathed the scimitar with a swing, slicing through his cheek, splattering blood through the air. Smearing the blood, Azgoth howled like a wounded beast, watching closely as a steady hum began. Tweed’s blade twirled faster and faster through the rain, and Azgoth became focused in his monstrous rage. Tightening his sinewy muscles he brought his dagger to bare locking blade to blade.

“You’re quick, but you will lose…” Azgoth softly murmured.

Tweed parried fast, circling his deadly opponent once again.

“Your overconfidence is the key to your undoing.” Tweed whirled up through the air, locking blades once again, and then sliding rapidly to the right he thrust forward.

Azgoth threw his free hand forward with his beastly strength, knocking the flat of the scimitar with a reverberating twang.

Tweed’s agility proved to be deadly. Shooting forward in the blink of an eye the rough blade raked Azgoth’s arm, but the momentum carried him too far. Tweed’s face contorted in fear as he realized his mistake, but Azgoth was far too fast for his assailant to recover. The bear-like hands of the giant seized his wrist and crushed it; screaming out in anguish Tweed collapsed. With a sickening crack his body was mashed through a tree limb, lying crumpled near the tangled roots.

Harem stood off to the side and what I saw was smugness, but in the inner reaches of his eyes there was a maniacal lust for blood. It dawned in an instant as I realized that these men cared nothing for each other, and each would murder the others without hesitation.

Tweed’s head slowly revealed his face contorted in rage, he had survived; I was rattled in shock, but that would not be the first time revolt began within Azgoth’s two small cohorts.

Harem would argue unceasingly as the days went by, and Tweed licked his wounds stumbling behind.

I had heard tales of a great city from Father when we would sit around in our warm and sheltered home near the sea. Though we had never gone; it was said to be far over the great mountains, and my father told me he had only been there once describing things in vivid detail, running wild with my imagination I could only dream.

“They will be looking for us Azgoth!” Harem whispered as we marched through the choking dust.

“Shut up, you oaf.”

They began to talk in whispers, oblivious to my presence.

After noticing that I had been listening, Azgoth’s dark eyes loomed forward.

“Why don’t you sit down?” He shouted, shooting his gnarled fists forward; I collapsed in pained anguish.

Lying crumpled and bruised I dared not even breathe on the dirt road; though my eyes were closed they were as sharp as steel, and they vented hatred. Once groomed, my dark hair had become bedraggled, my complexion had darkened, and my body was burned to the core. Yet my spirit was alive with a fire that they could never understand. I was starving, barely fed day to day on stale bread and brackish water, and it was only feeding the inferno of my enmity.

Stalking off farther into the woods, they left me with only my contempt and pride. This was their blunder and my chance. A spark was stoked as I realized my opportunity for freedom.

Seizing my spirits, I leapt to my feet looking about for something to break loose from the bond that held me. It had steadily gnawed its way into my raw flesh through time, and every twist I made caused endless pain. Searching for a jagged edge I stared around at my surroundings, nothing. Then a glimmer caught my eye, next to the horse was Harem’s scimitar. Surging towards it my eyes shone with hope as I began to saw precariously.

The cord broke, laying my wrists wide for my eyes to look at the mess of bloody, distorted flesh. I took off to the west stretching my legs, running with the wind. When I was young I used to run along the rocky shore line of the coast, feeling the brine against my lips, searching for Father coming back from his fishing trips to coastal islands. He told of exciting adventures filled with all sorts of barbarians and treasure.

My mind raced with possibilities of what they would do when they found I escaped, it drove my legs faster and faster through the pain of my burning thighs, as I imagined the torture that could wait. The vines and limbs of the trees tore at my skin, ripping at the rags that clung to me. Adrenaline pumped through my veins, faster, faster.

“He’s gone!” I stopped suddenly, hearing the blood-curdling roar through the foliage.

My mind panicked, with each step they sounded out louder and louder, I could not go back! The pounding behind me raced closer by the second.

“You won’t get far boy, when I get a hold of you, you will wish you had met the same fate as your father. Do you remember how your mother screamed as I broke your father’s neck in two, he was pathetic! Ha ha! You’re lucky you’re worth so much to me, but then again maybe you’re not; I guess we will find out when I catch you!”

He growled murderously in the distance shooting an icy wave of chills up my spine.

I urged myself onward feeling the affects of fatigue. I was slowing, no, I must go faster! They were closing in, sweat was pouring profusely, searing my eyes. I smashed through a tree limb chest first causing me to stumble wheezing for breath. Pounding was in my ears as I pulled myself up, running slower and slower.

“No!!!”

I tripped on a gnarled root amidst the trees, slamming my face into the rich soil; colors began to swirl in a kaleidoscope. Feeling a grotesque hand wrap around my neck, breath would not come…

“You really thought you could escape me, think again…”

I awoke groggily, staring out at the vast starry night sky. My head pounded like the beating drum of my heart, and the stars were winking, mocking me. Yet they disappeared just as fast as a pair of beetle-like eyes appeared over me. Flailing my arms and butting my head I smashed his midriff to the ground. His fist sent me spiraling like a skipping stone across the road. Again I bound forward, tripping in my daze, and then something was whispered in the wind…

“Stop! Now isn’t the right time…” I turned my head in confusion and no one was there.

Azgoth approached, picking me up and hurling me into the dust, I didn’t move knowing it would only bring more pain. I could not take on this monster of a man, and the crack of a whip broke the howling gale. An onslaught of rain began to drop bit by bit at first, but soon thumped down on my wounded body as I lay in the repugnant mud. My pride was wasted as the thunder roared like a lion and lightning arced overhead.

My body ached to the very spirit. How long would I endure this travail? My spirit was strong, but soon would it break? Revenge was what fed me, but how long would that last? Slumber soon cast its spell on me as I wandered through the corridors of my mind.

“Wake up, we’re moving!” Harem hollered, splashing stagnant water over my aching body, trudging through my pain sullenly, I barely took notice.

The wind was heavy as I awoke from my sleep, and the stars foretold of something to come. My captors became uneasy as they stayed near to the roaring fire, bringing little but a satisfactory amount of warmth. The shadows were veiled, but I was undaunted and could sense the fear in their minds. Again a whisper on the wind reached my ears…

“Boy, don’t move,” it was the same voice from the night before.

I pitched my head in the direction the noise had come, but perceived nothing. Shifting I rested on a glassy pool of water a hair’s breadth from my bound hands. A face materialized in reflection out of the dark, worn and hardened showing age beyond discernment that of an old man cloaked in silk black. His eyes were shadowed and grave and I was instantly apprehensive, but I held his gaze. Vanishing as rapidly as he appeared, I shook my head.

Suddenly a twig broke, shadows reached in on my mind, and all went black in stillness. I was falling from the night sky surrounded by stars, staring at my mother weeping in terror. Covering my eyes and pounding my head I screamed in agony and then a spark flashed through my mind dissipating the image.

Floating in blackness the world transfigured, till I was caught again amongst the heavens. This time a cloaked figure ran against the surf of the coast, holding a crying babe, I could not perceive her face, but it seemed familiar through the haze.

The cries of the woman and the wailing of the babe, reached my ears. I felt as if I should know this woman and yet I could not place her. Slowly at first, but then more swiftly, images began to pass before my eyes faster and faster. A quarry filled with slaves, fire was everywhere but a cheer was within me. A teeming market shot forth, then a ship larger than any I had seen, and finally a glimmering black stone. It called my name, but I could not get to it. It moved farther and farther away.

Soon the slavers appeared before me lying dead in their own pools of blood, and then all went black. The feeling was indescribable. As fast as it had begun everything dispersed, my eyes shot open and my bonds were loosed. I found myself screaming in the night air as my eyes saw the slavers lying dead, I was alone…

Warm breath prickled against my hairs. “Your fate is not that of a slave, Damon…”

I turned abruptly scouring for the face I had seen. It was nowhere to be found. “Who is Damon?” I yelled.

Curling up in the grass I half whispered, almost to myself, “What do you want with me,” but no answer came…

The fire roared to life almost instantaneously with a shadow flickering amongst the smoking embers, and then it was gone.

The light revealed nothing but the encompassing woods, the bodies were gone! Unconsciousness overcame my mind and I fell to the ground, lying in the clearing, a shadow swept over my face and disappeared.

“Awake, another’s presence is near…”

My eyes shot open as my pupils danced around. Slowly turning, in my drowsy state, I heard voices from the road. Confused and bewildered, I shoved the night’s events into the recesses of my mind. Quickly hiding amongst the surrounding underbrush I listened intently.

“Well we’ve almost reached the quarry Burgun,” a sinister voice sounded out.

“Eh, how far?” Burgun responded sultrily.

“Mm…probably another day ‘er so, not too far chief!”

“Hey! I wouldn’t mind taking it slow! What ‘arm is there in us slaves catching a few nice winks?” A deep resonating voice responded in high spirits.

“Yeah…well I will let you think about that some more after I flog you a couple times. Then we’ll see what you think, now won’t we John? Did you forget that you’re a slave you piece of cud? Now shut the hell up!” Argus spat out contemptuously.

“Ha ha, ah come on mate…”

The sound of a whip split the air.

“Oi, come on!”

“Shut up you oaf, I’m not your bloody mate!”

Sickened, hearing the flesh being ripped apart, I gagged knowing the feeling all too well.

“Get the idea?” Burgun shrieked at the slave. Silence again prevailed amongst the caravan of travelers.

I began to worm my way up the luscious grass of the slope to my left, taking a quick peek. What I saw was a long line of chained and shackled men beating a trail deep in the dust. They were tied to a few shedding brown work horses and rough carts filled with picks, shovels and all manner of iron forged tools. Ahead and along the sides walked a few masters, holding whips with fine steel scimitars sheathed in their belts. They wore a simple apparel of plain work clothes, which was far better than the slaves who were dressed in mere tatters.

The man I believed to be Burgun, led the caravan strutting proudly, wearing a sash of fine silk and a robe of dark velvet that flowed and shimmered with the roll of his stride. He was lanky with his black hair slicked back and oily.

Hatred and envy filled my mind as I focused on a razor-edged rapier, resting against his side, shining in the sun amongst the filth that surrounded it. Its blade was gleaming and its hilt, forged of silver with a ruby red pommel stone unlike any other.

Looking down quickly, studying my appearance, my eyes hardened in determination.

My mind raced to working in the sea with my father, learning to navigate and fish. Then the one fateful day that would change my life forever. We lived luxuriously off the coast until that dark night came. The winds howled mercilessly against our quaint coastal home.

A knock came to the rough oak door. My father, being the sound honorable man he was, answered it and offered a hunched beggar a place to stay for the night. He drank and dined with us as a friend and companion, telling stories of great legends.

My father and mother offered their bed, they had always taught me to help the less fortunate, but the beggar could not accept it and insisted that he would sleep outside.

All was quiet in the dead of night. Father awoke finding the home ransacked and the ship lit with fire. The culprit lay across the room rummaging through a chest. Yelling out my father grabbed his hunting knife and ran forward. A giant man lumbered out of the dark corner, picking up my father by the neck…

Shaking my head and quickly realizing how vulnerable I was, I took my mind out of the daze and crawled, scarcely breathing, farther down to a log overcome with moss. A twig broke against the pressure of my calloused hand, diving for the log I rolled into the dry brush that lay nearby.

“Halt!!!” Burgun screamed out, still palpably in a bad mood.

“Oi, you! Did you hear something?”

“Nah, nary a thing out there Burgun. ‘Haps it was a creature o’ some sort.”

“Mmm…maybe, maybe not. Orus take Andrew with you and check the woods. Something is not sitting right with me ‘bout this place.”

“I’m sure it was nothin’ chief!”

“I didn’t ask for your opinion fool, get down there!” Burgun slapped Andrew to the dust with the blunt of his blade.

Immediately Andrew’s eyes showed contempt towards his overseer, his tongue flickered out tasting the dark trail that slithered down his cheek.

“Fine…chief…” They maliciously stalked off towards the west side of the road.

“Not that way! I’m surrounded by fools and ingrates! Go east!”

“What ever you say.”

They began to probe the bushes, poking about with their blades and eyeing the inner reaches of the forest.

One of the slaves, a robust man with red hair and a scraggly beard, caught my eye. Fearing my concealment had been penetrated, I ducked my head further in the brush. Holding my breath for what seemed an eternity, I listened, shifting nervously, searching signs of my discovery. Andrew found himself near as he poked around carelessly, slowly gaining on my position.

“I can’t see anything chief! It was probably a deer!” Sweat poured down my skin as his wool leg brushed my nose.

“Stupid leader…hears things…what a joke…” He muttered, striding back towards the road.

Exhaling deeply, I prayed for help.

“Yeah, everything checks out Burgun.” Orus confirmed confidently.

Burgun grumbled under his breath.

“What’re you staring at?” He spat in an old man’s face.

The old man mumbled unresponsively.

“What? You want to know why you’re standing here?” He snarled, striking his whip brutally across the man’s backside.

Burgun immediately turned to his nearest slaver, “Well what’re you standing there for? Gets this caravan moving! Let’s go!!!” Everything jumped into action coming to pace. Waiting a second till the rumble was faint,

I peered back over cautiously. Slave traders …the scum, how can they treat people like that? Forging a plan in the depths of my mind I followed slowly, keeping my distance. I had learned the mastery of concealment through my previous slaver’s abilities, honing a small, natural perception of my surroundings. This group had a stupidity that was beyond me.

I would soon learn that I was wrong. Throughout the day they gave an occasional swish of their whips reminding the enslaved that they were inferior to all.

Soon after midday I witnessed one moment of madness of an old lunatic; I think that the years of slavery had surely taken a toll on his sanity and lucidness. He took the rusty iron chain to which he was bound, yanking it quickly around the neck of his captor. The slaver yelped shooting his tongue out, quivering and waving about as he was choked painfully, the rusted iron bit into his skin. The slave yelled in triumph as he clasped the chain tighter receiving maniacal joy from the sounds of gurgling and spit sliding slowly out of the man’s parched mouth. A great cheer began to erupt within the other slaves as they yelled and hollered.

“Fools…” Burgun muttered.

The other slavers ran forward with no hesitation viciously slashing the slaves with their scimitars, almost as if this was an all too common sight in their trade. They showed no emotion in their faces as the faces of the oppressed became scarred with blood and panic. I watched in horror from the dried brush as they ran the old man through with three scimitars, through his abdomen, neck and thigh.

Dark blood spilled as they gutted him and smacked his head brutally forward with a nasty crack. Like expert butchers, they dismembered him and their fellow slaver, throwing their bodies to the dogs that traipsed nearby.

Burgun then strode over to the nearest mule swatting its butt. It shot forward bringing the caravan forward again.

“Move! Maybe next time you will learn, you are nothing to me and will do as I tell you or you will suffer death…” Releasing the chains of the dogs he stared icily at the dead.

The dogs had a starved look to their shedding emaciated bodies. They stared at the appendages with wide eyes and slobbering mouths that drooled with ecstasy; their heavy breathing showed signs of exhaustion as they rushed towards the limbs like mongrels, biting at each others muzzles. I turned my head in disgust and vomited on the dark green floor of the forest; my feelings of confidence had abated quickly and I came to the realization that these men were killers. They showed no humanity or mercy towards anyone, not even their own kind.

Staring, in a short second of time I could’ve sworn Burgun locked eyes with me, but he smirked quickly looking back to the slaves. If my plan was going to work it would take careful execution that could only be afforded by the cover of darkness, and in the deep recesses of my mind I could feel this was only the beginning…
Last edited by aeroman on Fri Feb 20, 2009 2:05 am, edited 18 times in total.
They haven't invented the missile that can kill an ideal.




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This'll take awhile to crit-I'll definitely get to it either tomorrow or Thurs. Looks good!

Wiggy ;)
"I will have to tell you, you have bewitched me body and soul..." --Mr. Darcy, P & P, 2005 movie
"You pierce my soul." --Cpt. Frederick Wentworth

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While Wiggy gets her own critique done I'll post mine.

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“Move boy!” The lion of a man screamed at me. He shook me quickly, reminding me that this was no dream and yet the worst nightmare I had ever been in.


The ‘quickly’ bothers me, I’m not too sure it fits. I would have gone for ‘violently’ or something similar. I think you can change the repetition of ‘me’. I suggest something like: He shook me violently, a reminder that this was no dream and yet the worst nightmare I had ever been in. Or whatever takes your fancy.

“Did you not hear me, you piece of filth?” The stench of his hot breath made my skin curdle. I was soon past his head as his lumbering arms shook me.


How about ‘shook me again’ as the force was repeated.

I would be a man soon enough even though my age was only sixteen.


‘my age’ is awkward in this sentence. You could use: ... even though I was only sixteen.

His abilities as a hunter were unprecedented and he carried with him protectively a slim razor sharp steel knife in his beaten leather belt.


Commas and dashes are sometimes your friend so use them. See how this reads with commas and dashes added. Note: I’ve taken out ‘beaten’ as it seemed a little unnecessary:

His abilities as a hunter were unprecedented and he carried with him—protectively—a slim, razor sharp, steel knife in his leather belt.

Harem’s sniveling voice sounded as I awoke, “We’re not going to Tareth Azgoth!”


Use a comma to separate the name of the city/place from Azgoth’s name: “We’re not going to Tareth, Azgoth!”

Otherwise it looks as if Tareth Azgoth is the name of the city/place.

“What did you say?” Azgoth threw a bag on his shoulder against the nearest tree with a crack, marching over to Harem he seethed venomously.


Replace ‘on’ with ‘over’. I’m a little confused here. Was the bag struck against a tree as it went over Azgoth’s shoulder?

The morning was still dark and everything was still for a split second. Legs were sprinting and in a flash a fight ensued as Azgoth turned and Tweed lunged spraying dust through the air splashing it in the giant’s eyes unsheathing his scimitar in the moment.


Remember what I said about commas and such? This is all smothered together and I’m unable to get an image of what is said because of the lack of pauses.

The bear like hands of the giant grabbed the skinny wrist and crushed it; picking Tweed up he carried him to a sturdy oak smashing him with a sickening crack.


Comparing Azgoth’s hands to a bears would require a dash between ‘bear’ and ‘like’: bear-like.

Harem would argue unceasingly with Azgoth about Tareth as the the days went by.


Typo: double ‘the’.

They had steadily gnawed there way into my raw flesh through the test of time and every twist I made caused a scream of agony within my soul.


You would need to describe the cords as it. So the sentence would be: It had steadily gnawed its way into my raw flesh, through the test of time, and every twist I made caused a scream of agony within my soul.

By the way, this sentence would need to be shortened into two.

Snap! I stared at my wrists and had to look away from the mess of bloody distorted flesh that lay before my eyes.


Avoid using onomatopoeia. You could just say the cord snapped or something.

It had been minutes as the pounding of my oppressors’ feet behind me raced closer and closer, and screams began to reach my ears through the wind, “You won’t get far boy, when I get a hold of you, you will wish you had met the same fate as your father. Do you remember how your mother screamed as I broke your father’s neck in two, he was pathetic! Ha ha! You’re lucky you’re worth so much to me, but then again maybe you’re not; I guess we will find out when I catch you!” He growled murderously causing an icy wave of chills to go up my spine.


#_# Use spacing to separate dialogue! The jumbled words hurt my eyes.

My pride was wasted as the thunder roared and lightning arced over head in the night.


‘over head’ should not have a space between it.

My father being the sound honorable man he was answered it and offered a hunched beggar a place to stay for the night.


Place a comma after ‘father’ and ‘was’.

Immediately Andrew’s eyes showed mirth and contempt towards his over seer, his tongue flickered out tasting the dark blood that slithered down his cheek.


‘over seer’ should be ‘overseer’.

An interesting story to begin with. What you need to avoid is using repetitive description. The reader is told many times that a person has ‘snakelike’ whatever, ‘beetlelike’ eyes, etc.

Also, don’t use onomatopoeia. Its annoying to read as I was aware that a branch would ‘swish’ or a whip would ‘crack’, etc.

Most of your sentences are too long. You need to shorten them. Use commas and dashes, they are punctuations marks that help voice your piece.

In some places you used description when it wasn't necessary, it was the grass you decribed as 'luscious' and I didn't think you needed to do that.

With that said, I look forward to more installments.
.: ₪ :.

'...'




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Thank you so much for the crit, I have asked my friends to, but they are not experienced writers and so its hard to get some real editing besides myself. I've done all of your suggestions and corrections Myth and I've done a few of my own. Let me know what you guys think! Also I kind of felt like something was missing, but I just can't place my finger on it. If anyone can figure it out let me know...
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“Move boy!”


Put a comma between the words, as 'boy' is a form of address.

The stench of his hot breath made my skin curdle in disgust...


Skin can't curdle, it's a physical impossibility. Try using something like: The stench of his hot breath made me shudder with revulsion...

The man’s eyes were of coal black and I wondered if he knew of love.


The repetition of 'of' sounds a little too clumsy.

His clothes were that of simple woven material that barely contained his mammoth of a body reaching nearly seven feet.


This whole sentence is poorly constructed. Try: His clothes were made of a simple, woven material that barely contained his mammoth body, nearly seven feet tall.

I stared into his beetle like eyes.


Beetle-like.

Tall smoky-capped mountains as tall as the eye could see lay in the distance...


Take out the first 'tall'.

They carried rough edged iron scimitars with...


'rough-edged, iron scimitars' Use a comma to break up the description and make it more vivid.

Besides his natural terror that reigns upon others...


It's not his terror, which is how this sentence makes it sound. Try changing it to something like: Besides the terror his presence inspired in others...

“Shut up you oaf.”


"Shut up, you oaf!" Makes it more commanding.

Leaping towards it my eyes shined...


'Shined' isn't a word. 'Shone' is the correct past tense there, but why don't you try 'gleamed' or something a little less light-hearted.

Again I bound forward, tripping in my daze.


'Bounded'

I thought to not think about what I heard and only listen for now.


Try 'I sought' rather than 'I thought' here.

What I saw was a long line of chained and hackled men beating a trail deep in the dust...


'Shackled' rather than 'hackled'.


I liked this piece very much! The plot is interesting, though the conflict between the three original slavers came a bit suddenly. Some of your writing is slightly too descriptive, but I am a fan of letting the reader's imagination fill in the blanks a little more than most people. It is an intruiging beginning, and I look forward to reading more!




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Cool, thanks blazing! I did your suggestions, actually yeah I decided to put a fight in more suddenly for a couple of reasons. In the original piece the only conflict was right before the main character escaped and I thought that wasn't enough for the original slavers (they played a key role in the death of the main character's parents, and I felt like I didn't have enough of the beginning with them involved). So I figured a short duel would invoke the reader's attention early into the story and make him aware that these slaver's were deadly. I'm not quite sure if its too much (I had a few other plot options with them, but I decided to take the other plot options and put them with the second group of slavers, you will find this later as the story unfolds), but I liked it.

Also yes I write very descriptive, that is one of the things that is a strength/weakness of mine. Sometimes my organization goes down the drain because I describe so much. I'm a very visual person and just describe the picture in my head as much as I can. Hopefully its not overboard, I'm trying to tone down a bit on description because I agree the reader needs to be able to let his imagination run. So hopefully I will continue to do better. Thanks for all the suggestions and comments!
They haven't invented the missile that can kill an ideal.




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I know what you mean aero. :D

I'm sooo sorry I haven't done the crit yet. OMG seriously I hate chemistry!!!!! I've got a test that I have to go study for and take...so yeah, it may not be tonight. :oops: Gawsh, I feel bad. lol But I'll get it done-promise. I won't pull a Jiggy on you. :D

Wiggy ;)
"I will have to tell you, you have bewitched me body and soul..." --Mr. Darcy, P & P, 2005 movie
"You pierce my soul." --Cpt. Frederick Wentworth

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Don't worry Wiggy :wink: I know how it is. Actually I went through a lot of editing today after swim practice, and the piece has changed quite a bit. I tried to tone down my over-descriptiveness and added some aspects to the story that were not previously there. Hopefully you guys will enjoy the new improved one! If not, at least I saved the old version! haha

-aero
They haven't invented the missile that can kill an ideal.




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Mm...

Okay. Since I'm lazy in my old age (haha...) I'm not going to go all nit-pickish on you. You're a writer, aand a fairly decent one at that, so I can only assume that you're smart. Also, since you seem curious (which is one of the best thingies to have as a writer!) I shall assume that, no matter what I say, you're probably going to edit this story above and beyond my suggestions. :)

With that said, I'm going to give you some very general ideas to work with as you continue to improve your writing. So, while I won't give very specific examples for each sentence of your work, you can look over and try to tweak it as you wish.

Good? Yay! :)

Adjectives

Okay, first of all, what hit me on the face when I read this were your constant use of adjectives.

Please note that I said the word "constant." This word, an adjective, modifies the noun that I use to give you a specific idea of what I mean. It creates bias... my use of the word "constant" indicates that I thought too many adjectives were used, and it tells you this without anymore words being said about the matter.

Well, adjectives are used to create an image that has bias. Yes, I can say I have blue gray eyes, and that would be true, but in a literary work, that usually means, "Wow! An adjective was used! Let's analyze it!"

So a serious critic would go deep into that one simple adjective and figure out what it means to them. Blue eyes might have some innocence attached to it -- after all, children sometimes have deep blue eyes that change as they grow older. An innocent person? Yes! Okay... now the next adjective! Gray... gray automatically brings into mind Athena, the gray-eyed goddess of wisdom in Greek mythology. So, in conclusion, if I put in a literary work that I had blue-gray eyes, I would be setting myself up as innocent, possibly naive, but someone who, perhaps through this innocence, was also wise.

Fun stuff? Definitely! :D

With that said, pay a closer eye on your adjectives. I'm not saying don't use them at all... that would be bad. But remember that these adjectives cause immediate bias, and to a certain extent, that's bad. Why? Because of the whole issue of showing vs. telling.

The Very Evil Characters

With that said, your constant use of adjectives showed us a very biased picture of your bad guys. You only presented us a visual of the bad guys, and because of this, they sounded a little shallow. Well... okay. They had dialogue too, but your main medium of description was visual. What did they move like? What did they look like?

Those sorts of questions you answered for us. But that isn't enough, not for you. You're a very talented writer, and you're going to have to go a second step to really impress me. ;)

You must develop your characters. Your bad characters might be horrible, but I'm not interested in them, at the end. What matters to me is your main character's reactions to them.

For example, in the James Bond movies, most bad guys are campy. And why? Because you always know that James Bond is better than them in every single way. One of he reasons why "Goldfinger" is good is not because of the plot or anything. It's because, while Goldfinger is torturing James Bond, James Bond panics and tries his best to get out of the situation he's in. Yeah, he's still suave about it, but his panic is very real and we like that very much.

Your main character has to react to the bad guys, or else it'll result in campiness.

Giving Reality to "I"

With that said, you need to get your character to react to the bad guys. Yes, he's thinking about his parents and that's all very sweet, but that doesn't tell us much about him. In fact, it adds to the unrealistic-ness of him. I would probably think about my parents too, but if I were in his position, I would probably b thinking about them in fragments, not long flashbacks.

A really good example of this on YWS comes from gyrfalcon's Born of the Stars. Check out her prologue.

So you're going to want to do less flashbacks and give us more information on what your character is doing and how he reacts. After all, the main character is more interesting to us than his parents.

Let him be scared. Let us see this fear. You're in a wonderful position to make us really care about him, but you're not quite there yet. You need to make us sympathize with his conflicts and then you can tell us the flashbacks.


Hope this helps...
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"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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it was compelling stuff. Can't wait to see the edited version!



Find wonder in the everyday, find everyday language to articulate it.
— Maurice Manning