Bliss

He lay on the grass, looking at me
His powerful face is all I could see.
He touched my cheek with convenient care
And kissed my lips, while stroking my hair.

The bliss he brought warmed my heart;
It felt like silk in the soft, green grass.
He picked me up and took me away,
But yet I can’t feel him that same way.

I know he is here, but I’m looking for him
He left me and went, like a balloon to a pin.
He stays in my thoughts, although he’s gone,
But in my head he seems so strong.

He ran back here, searching for me
His worried face is all I can see.
He pulled me close and hugged me tight,
I shall never be lonely again through the night.

I really like this. It shows a short and sweet, yet relatable imagery. Good work!

Now here is my advice and pointers for your poem. I’m a stickler for a certain style of grammar (my own - the one I was practically raised on). Of course other people won’t have the same style I do, so you don’t have to do what I say, of course. So without further ado, here you go:

He lay on the grass, looking at me,
His powerful face is all I could see.

Trade the comma in there for a period.

And kissed my lips, stroking my hair.

It would flow a bit better if instead it said “while stroking my hair.”

The bliss he brought warmed my heart,
It felt like silk in the soft green grass.

Trade the comma in there for a semicolon or a period, and place a comma between “soft” and green.”

I know he is here, but I’m looking for him,
He left me and went, like a balloon to a pin.

The rhyming is king of awkward. See if you can revise it. And there needs to be a period instead of a comma after “him.”

He ran back here, searching for me,

Period after “me.”

He pulled me close and hugged me tight,
I shall never be lonely again through the night.

The second line clashes with the first because it is too long (12 syllables compared to 8 ). Try shortening the second line. Here’s an example:

“I won’t be lonely though the night.”

It’s not as deep as what you wrote, but it’s shorter, and it helps it to flow more. Feel free to use what I showed if you want.

I hope I helped you with your poem. I hope to see more of your work. Once again: good work!

***__THELUCKYFLOWER__***

nice , flowing poem and truly romantic!

maybe you could shorten any syllable from the last line for better flow?

Cathy,
It's very sweet. But the last line was very long.
Pandora

cathy--


What was the purpose in breaking the rhyme in S2? For that matter, you would probably be better off breaking the rhyme scheme entirely, scrapping this, and trying again.

Not only have you left me with nothing to return to, nothing to think about or consider, you have failed in a much more fatal way: you have not held my interest during the first read-through. Work on imagery, simile, metaphor--they are your building blocks.


Best,
Brad

Hi!

I really did like this poem and with theluckyflower's suggestions I'd like it even more.

Good luck!

Brad-

I noticed your comments on other peoples poems and I'm so sick of seeing this kind of comment from you. I hate to break it to you but just because you didn't like something doesn't mean you need to scrap it. If you'd like to be help in your reviews give some CONSTRUCTIVE critisism. Most of the things I've seen in your reviews are not only unhelpful but occasionally discouraging and sometimes disrespectful. I'd appreciate it if you'd stop telling people that there's nothing to save in their work. Thanks.

Tropicana,


Issues with reviewers should usually be taken up through PMs, but I will respond here this once.

I think I gave the piece the respect it deserved.

At a minimum, we ought to be able to identify garbage as such when it's placed before us, and we should be forthright in saying as much when we encounter it.

There are several thousand poetry sites that place the author's feelings first. Isn't there room for one that keeps its focus on the work?


Best,
Brad

Brad,

I'm sorry about not taking this up in pm, I didn't realize what that button was for at the time.

I disagree, telling someone that their piece isn't worth saving, isn't respect. It's not only disrespectful, it's unhelpful (which i mention before- see above)

And furthere more even if this poem was 'garbage' in your opinion. It's your job as a reviewer to do something to help fix it.

I'm not saying you need to exaggerate the quality of the poem, I'm just asking that you give some CONSTRUCTIVE critisim.

Thanks.