Untitled -- Suggestions welcome

Broken Wings · 2006-09-23T22:23:57Z

This is a first for writing about demon things. I usually write about humans or wizards. But when my friend read another story of mine he said I should consider writing about vampires. I chose demons instead. Tell me what you think. Prologue-- ____ I tapped my pencil nervously on the desk, my eyes skimming over the words but not really taking anything in. It just made no sense to me. Mentally kicking myself for not studying I glanced over at the next desk. The boy was slumped over in his seat, his face hidden by his long hair. He was asleep, and there weren't any pencil marks on his paper. Not like I'd take answers from him anyway. I scowled at his sleeping figure and switched my gaze to the left. The girl's handwriting was too small to read. I turned back to my blank paper and clenched my jaws together. My frown deepened, and my long black hair fell like a curtain at the sides of my face. "Time's up!" I flinched and closed my eyes. Just another big, fat F- for my report card. I stood up and grabbed my paper from the old wooden desk. The boy snapped to attention and looked up at the teacher. Sighing he grabbed his paper and dropped it onto the pile, blocking out my name with his own. "Sarah, Ryan." The teacher snatched up the two papers and slid them on top of a fat blue folder lying on her desk. I clenched my jaws tighter and turned to look at her. I hated the name Sarah. I couldn't believe it when Ky wove it to me. Of all the names in the world, he picked Sarah. Ryan crossed his arms over the words REBEL stitched on his black shirt and eyed the teacher as if she wasn't good enough for him. I glared at Ryan but he didn't even seem to notice. I know your real name. I know you're one of me, Sabl. Was what I wanted to scream out. But instead I bit my lower lip and turned my attention back to the teacher. "-so will you please just try?" She was saying, looking at us over the rim of her glasses. I could feel myself nod and smirked. Too bad she didn't know what I was. Demons never keep promises. Chapter One— ____ I reached for the shelf, my fingers trying to pull the damn book out. Finally my fingers gripped the spine and I pulled it out only to have myself being showered in more books and papers. Cursing I grabbed a book before it could hit the floor and caught another with my foot. Glancing around to make sure no one saw, I hastily shoved them back onto the metal shelf. “Impressive reflects you’ve got there.” I froze like a deer in headlights. Crap. “Y-yea.” Was all I said, looking back at the physical education teacher. He raised an eyebrow. “You show a lot of athletic abilities, but according to your file, you haven’t joined any sport.” He continued to stare at me, and I fiddled with my shirt nervously, smoothing it down and tugging at the bottom. When I refused to reply he continued. “I was wondering if you’d join the dodge ball team.” He sounded desperate. I thought back to the voice over the speakers. Week after week, they displayed the loss of our team. “I’ll…think about it.” I muttered, kneeling down and scooping up my papers. I gathered the rest of my folders and slammed the locker door shut. He was still there, watching me. “I have…to go.” I growled at him, flicking a strand of hair behind my shoulder and walking off. I tried to ignore the buzzing in my ears as I headed out the front door and wandered over the lawn. Clouds hung over the sun, making the light gauzy and causing a chill to run down my spine. I looked around at trees, almost bare. Leaves littered the ground, crinkling under my feet. The buzzing got louder. Frustration pulled angrily at my stomach, and I closed my eyes. What? I snapped. Naera. Come now. The command caused my breathing to lull and I pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth. Not daring to disobey I set off at a fast jog into the woods. Dashing through the trees I could smell his scent intoxicating me. It wrapped around me, covering every part of my body. I breathed it in and closed my eyes, letting it take over me. “Naera.” I opened my eyes. I was sitting on a cold dirt floor. One that I had been on many times before. I looked up at the man above me. His grey hair was pulled back and dangling down his back in one thick rope. I let myself cower lower to the ground, my red lips pressing together. “Ky.” The words slithered up my throat and slipped off my tongue before I could do anything about it. The hatred in the word was covered up by the love and admiration. Ky’s yellow eyes slid over my features, taking in my emotions that I knew I had stranded there. There was no hiding my feelings or thoughts from him; he found them anyway. “Naera.” He said again, smirking at his game. I didn’t think it was funny. "Why did you summon me?" I asked with my head bowed and eyes closed as hair slid forward exposing my neck. “I need you to…get rid of something for me.” I could feel my heart quicken, but kept my breathing even and nodded. “He isn’t much older than twelve. It should be easy.” I sat up, keeping my face blank. “Yes, Ky. Give me his scent.” Ky smiled and handed me a small pillowcase. I pressed it against my nose. It smelled like popcorn and almond shampoo. I closed my eyes and let the scent soak into my skin, take over my mind. Where I found myself surprised me more than I would have admitted. Old walls looked almost ready to crumble and fall apart. The reek of mice and pigeons over whelmed me, and I had to take several deep breaths. This was going to be easy, I knew it. Then why did this place scare me so much? Shaking away the feeling I caught the boy sleeping in a corner. He was curled up under an old blanket, dirt covering his face and his hair shining with grease in the moonlight. I took the boy in my arms. He smelled like the pillowcase. It was quite easy, and the task was over within seconds. No struggle, no wails of pain and fear or desperate hands shoving me away. I dropped the boy and wondered why Ky wanted me to kill him. He didn't seem to pose a threat. Shrugging, I decided it was best not to doubt him. Getting up, I wiped off my shirt and looked down at the boy, feeling a twinge run through me. But I didn't know what it was. I had done it the painless way; break his neck. And while he was sleeping. He would have felt nothing at all. Nothing. I looked up at the moon and wondered where I was. It had been daylight just a few minutes before. Looking around I tried to find things to tell me. But even the boy himself had no trace of where he was living. Shrugging off the sick feeling of dread, of realizing I was lost, I tried to remember what my home smelled like. Ky had given me a wonderful home, a nice cozy room. And only older demons lived with me, so it was usually quiet. The house was big, and I never could figure out how many people I lived with. It seemed like I discovered a new one every day. Sighing I closed my eyes and pictured my room. The red walls, purple bed lining...green armchair. Lavander. I breathed in deeply, concentrating on the smell and washing out all the horror I had felt only seconds ago. When I felt the soft rug under my feet I opened my eyes and let out my breath. Flopping down onto my cozy bed I grabbed my journal. It was black leather on the front, with a big red N stitched on the front. It reminds me of Sabl's shirt. I mused, tracing the letter with my thumb before wondering why I had even thought of that rat. Sighing I opened onto my next clean page. My heart practically lunged out of my throat when I saw what was there. A nuetral symbal; Sabl's sign. I quickly slammed the cover shut and flinged it across the room. It hit the wall with a dull thud, and then flopped onto the floor. There was no way I was falling asleep tonight.

Sureal

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Tue Sep 26, 2006 6:03 pm

Sureal says... · Tue Sep 26, 2006 6:03 pm

This was good, but I was confused by one bit.

'Where I found myself surprised me more than I would have admitted.'

I was confused by the way we suddenly changed location. One paragraph we were in the woods, and suddenly we had moved, with no mention of how the character got there (or, indeed, that she was even going anywhere).

But then, I seem to be the only person who was confused by this, so it may just be me.

Nice story. Personally, I like the whole demon thing. Tis cool.

I wrote the above just for you.

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deleted

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Tue Sep 26, 2006 6:26 pm

deleted says... · Tue Sep 26, 2006 6:26 pm

Ach. My is repeated too much. Try simplifying the sentence.
Suggestion: “Why did you summon me?” I asked, bowing my head with eyes closed. My hair slid to the front of my shoulders, exposing my neck.

How about this...

"Why did you summons me?" I asked with head bowed and eyes closed as hair slid forward exposing my neck.
:-)

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Broken Wings

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Tue Sep 26, 2006 11:22 pm

Broken Wings says... · Tue Sep 26, 2006 11:22 pm

Sureal wrote:This was good, but I was confused by one bit.

'Where I found myself surprised me more than I would have admitted.'

I was confused by the way we suddenly changed location. One paragraph we were in the woods, and suddenly we had moved, with no mention of how the character got there (or, indeed, that she was even going anywhere).

But then, I seem to be the only person who was confused by this, so it may just be me.

Nice story. Personally, I like the whole demon thing. Tis cool.

Thanks. And the reason it does the sudden change is because she 'teleported' basically. But that word is much to cliche for me. I'm still thinking of something...

"Admitting that you don't like reading is admitting that you don't have an imagination." -- Broken Wings

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Broken Wings

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Wed Sep 27, 2006 12:34 am

Broken Wings says... · Wed Sep 27, 2006 12:34 am

First Chapter done! =D

"Admitting that you don't like reading is admitting that you don't have an imagination." -- Broken Wings

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