Vanes versus Veins

Take deep breaths. I want this to last.

You. You appear in a mass of leaves,
swirling the empty air you've taken over,
like you take over every inch of my rotten heart.
Bitter, crisp between your fingers, squeeze
and brush those gentle curls from your eyes.
take deep breaths, darling - release me,
let me float on the wind, release,
let me go.

Feeling faint, stop shattering me into cold
masses of anger. Snap your glasses,
break your arms, blades of
sweeping scythes, hilted art, sharpened love.
You. you appear in a mass of papers;
you're name is a land mine,
setting fire to the autumn sky. Brittle fire, brittle lies,
we say, we say - we love each other.
Scraps of air, snippets of fate and lithium -
we were always kings and queens in the blindness
of your naked eyes.

I want this to last, but the last leaves are falling like
atom bombs, when just an atom of you in me makes
me crazy - inhale, exhale, fill these jail cells and turn
copper lovely shades of green. This proves that growth
is rot, and we're always a decade too young, always
windmill fans, always falling down.

The wind never blows the right way, you never breath
when you should but I love how you've lined this weather
vane to run parallel to my arteries,
just so I see death's whiplash on the windowsill -
just so I can discover love is freefalling and that
nothing ever lasts.

Not even gravity.

wow. i mean, wow.
i could never write like that. it's amazing. i wish i had something more to say, but...

Great job gummy! One of your best to date.

Wiggy

Sara,


This light looks good on you. Unfortunately, you're not in it, or else it's morning--I'm not sure which.

This reminds me of the pursuits of a child who has not yet fully mastered the process. He has all the parts there, but he can't quite assemble them. Below is a version I think will show you specifically my contentions.


All the best,
Brad




vanes and veins

Take deep breaths. I want this to last.

You. You appear in a mass of leaves,
swirling the empty air you've taken over[,
like you take over every inch of my rotten heart][\b].
[b][Crisp in bitter]Bitter, crisp [in] between your fingers, squeeze
[(beat beat)]. Brush the lies from your eyes, *(lies-eyes rhyme is not working; nor is this meaning terribly clear. Perhaps change 'eyes' to hair and rework from that, (hair would make sense, since there is air swirling around))*
take deep breaths, darling - release me,
let me float[ on the wind], release, [/] let me go.

Feeling faint, stop shattering me into cold
masses of anger. *(not fond of 'masses')* [Snap your glasses and I'll
break from your arms]I'll snap your glasses, /
break your arms, blades of
sweeping scythes, hilted art, sharpened love.
You. You appear in a mass of papers[,];
you're name['] is a land mine[,][you're]
setting fire to the autumn sky. Brittle [fire]flames, brittle lies,
we say, we say - we love each other.
Scraps of air, snippets of fate and lithium -
we were always kings and queens in the blindness
of your naked eyes. *(this is nonsensical, lithium goes with many things, but not kings and queens; this is, in short, pretty but meaningless)*

I want this to last, but the [last] lea[f]ves [is]are falling like
[an] atom bombs around us, when just an atom of you in me [that] makes
me crazy - inhale, exhale, fill these jail cells and turn
copper lovely shades of green. This proves that growth
is rot *(too obscure here, fix this, pronto.)*, and we're always a decade too young, always
windmill fans, [always] falling down.

The wind never blows the right way, you never breathe
[exactly] when [I need it] you should, but I love how you've lined this weather
vane to run parallel to my arteries[...just so it matches,
just so I see death's whiplash on the windowsill -
[just] so I can discover love is freefalling and [that]
nothing ever lasts.

[Not even gravity.]

P.S.


Consider: "Vanes and Veins" to "Vanes versus Veins" or some similar switch.