There are two lines in this poem that I question the validity of.
1. this is all abstract:
2. Say I love you in spite of.
The obviousness of them negates their necessity. The minimalism is an emphasis in the poem, expressed by its use of space and diction. These two lines lessen the emphasis. The italics are grievous especially in consideration of this.
But the last line cannot merely be delted for its importance to the poem. The solution to this problem is up to you.
Diction is wonderful. Word choice coveys the sterility of the scene ('Say the floor is made of marble') in both its exterior and interior portions. The pleading is cold, yet impassioned. Desparate, but tinged with hope. Very nice work. Your approach is continually evolving.
I have to say, I am positiviley enchanted by this poem (very english i know) I have no experience in this kind of thing and am not going to be able to spot intricate details which could do with correcting. But i know that when I read this, the words just flowed beautifully on the page- or screen and the whole repetition of the word 'say' is something truly original. Peace out.
Let me say first, good job. I think it is nicely written. The only part i didn't get was:
Say the floor is made of marble.
Just like mer i liked the repetition of 'say'. To me it kept the poem flowing from one thing to the other. At the end when it just cuts off at if that leaves me wanting to know what is wrong. Are we going to find out what the problem was?
Quarrels would not last long if the fault were only on one side.
--La Rochedoucauld
"An unexamined life is not worth living..."
---Socraties
By now, you know I love your work. I only wish I was able to do it justice with my comments.
However, to expand on Gummy's comment: that line is too long. Or at least seems that way, mostly because the line above it about half as long (syllable-wise 7 versus 12, and in formatting) and the line above that, not offset, is broken by the comma. Perhaps "Say this is a family room, you're a widow." Omitting the "and" also follows the style of the second line, though if you want that effect is your decision.
Excellent work, as always.
Bekah
***Under the Responsibility of S.P.E.W.*** (Sadistic Perplexion of Everyone's Wits)
Medieval Lit! Come here to find out who Chaucer plagiarized and translated - and why and how it worked in the late 1300s.
The wince that you wince when you see your quote in the quote generator is quite a wince, I tell ya. To know that the whole YWS community has read and judged your quote is quite an awkward feeling like oh noes.
*manly blush* — Arcticus
