A Prelude to Darkness, Chapter 3 (Mild Language)

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Okay, to start out with, I know that I have critiqued your other two chapters, but I am not a great critiquer. I’m sure there’s a lot of more technical stuff and whatnot that I missed, but at least what help I can give hopefully does help you. With that little confession out of the way, I will now critique chapter three.

First off, after having two full chapters with Katherine, really getting us to connect with her, I felt the sudden change, especially where you left her off at, just doesn’t work for me. My first thought was “huh, what’s going on?” You do tie it in, which is good, but I still don’t like the transition. Just my opinion.

Also, of minor note, you seem to like to describe the moon in eloquent ways. Then again, I am a simple and direct action kinda guy a lot. Just a little note.

His inward swore resulted from a sudden thought that occurred to him
I thing “swore” should be “swear” in this case.

“Iyra, why have you called us here?” Inquired one.

I think inquired should be lower case in this case.

She was busy straightening her feathers with her beak, her keen sunrise-gold eyes ensuring that she did a near perfect job.

Was she preening her feathers? Just curious.

In front of the small band of forest creatures and the wizard stood a phoenix, seventeen feet in height.

That sounds like a pretty big cave. Hmm, not my first impression.

He couldn’t help but admire the wizard for his warm heart, a trait that he often times wish he had.

“wish” should be “wished”.

“Wait a minute… you’re afraid of heights?”

Make it clearer that the wolf said this at first.

…and frowned as his considered the price he would pay were his identity unveiled there.

“his” should be “he”.

Another unpleasant hiss was given as he was lifted by the scruff of his neck and shaken slightly as if to test his weight. His pupils, wide with displeasure, soon met the obsidian eyes of Slasher, who was scrutinizing him with mild curiosity. Then, just as swiftly as he had been raised off of the ground, he was set back down.

“Damn, he’s right; you really are scrawny.”

For a guy trying not to be really noticed, this draws a lot of attention to him and doesn’t seem to fit his mood. Though it is humorous.

“What I have here looks ordinary, but it isn’t.”

Okay, this line just seems corny. It’s kinda obvious (at least it should be) with the lead up that the whistle isn’t ordinary. Find a different way to say it.

He snarled, darting up beside the quickly pacing elf.

I get what you’re saying, but you’re using wrong word. “Pacing” means going back and forth. What you’re trying to say is that the elf has a quick pace. This is one of the few words you can’t slap an “ing” on. Look at the line and try to reword it in a different manner.

…as he rested his right elbow on his knee.

Is he sitting? Otherwise it doesn’t make sense, unless he has really long arms.

And I don’t really have a problem with the rest of it. I do have to compliment you use of point of view. You shift around from person to person (so to speak) with smooth and easy transitions. Though the focal character is Slasher, shifting to the insights of the other characters as you do gives the reader a better sense as to what’s going on. It almost has a movie quality to it, and I can even imagine the camera angles involved in every scene. I like it.

I also got the impression that Slasher is either the kid who saved Katherine or that boy’s father. If so, than a fair amount of time has passed and you really left the reader hanging, and not in all that good a way in my opinion, as to what happened to Katherine. If he’s not one of those two, how does he know her? But, I’m assuming he is one of the two. Still, with how you set this story in motion, I’m more curious as to just who Katherine and her siblings are (and the wolf she met) than this whole shadow business and the whistle (though I am interested in those too). Anyway, those are my thoughts, and I’m still curious as to just where this will lead.