Broken

A force to break
My heart in two
A blade to cut
A bleeding organ
Into shreds of nothingness
I cannot breathe
I cannot think
What is this hurt, this
Absolute piercing pain
Rattling through my body?
What is it?
It's killing me
Killing me slowly
Starving oxygen from my lungs
Sending blades of cold
Shrieking ghouls of emptiness
Tearing through my flesh
I am nothing more
Nothing but an empty husk
A hollow of what I was
No love. No hope. No joy.
Nothing but the neverending pain
And the gaping, bleeding hole
Where my heart resided.
It is gone
When you broke it, you tore it out
Crushing it into the soil
Now bloodied with my tears,
the essence of my soul.
The tragedy that haunts me still
Haunts me now, and ever will
Is that you didn't care.
I was nothing.

I think the weirdest thing about this poem is that you tell us everything. Instead of showing us tangible feelings, this poem relies on emotional thought to pull us through.

But in this way, there's something lacking that could make the poem that much better. Depression, and especially cutting, is so physical that it cannot simply be described by emotional thoughts alone. It needs to be described ina way where we, the reader, can feel the sensation, can smell the blood, can feel the ache in the heart. And, in this way, we can understand and relate with the narration better.

Good luck!

I agree with snoink....it was lacking in something...which happens to be just what snoink said so why repeat it?

Hi! I read it and it was pretty good. But like Snoink said there was something... missing. It was like you told us what was happening but it was detached. Like the feelings behind it weren't strong enough to push through to the reader.

I hope to read more of your stuff. Thanks for reading mine!

well the emotion is there, but its more of someone trying to explain how their feeling to someone w/o showing the vulnerability that comes w/ the emotion. Its explaining with a blank face and a monotone voice.

Hmmm on the contrary... i love the poem....and i truly understand the feelings portrayed in the poem! Good Job!!!