A Snippet of Thought

Dreams of sunlight
Dreams of joy
Blending into
Starry moments
Breathing out
And breathing in
The world is ever,
Ever turning
On this water-world we spin

Short and sweet, Pheonixfire. Very nively done, but perhaps one thing to look at...

Breathing out
And breathing in
The world is ever,
Ever turning
On this water-world we spin

The rhythm is very nice throughout, it's just at this one part that it gets awkward. I would cut the second from last line, the 'Ever turning'... I think it breaks the flow of the poem. ^_^

I'm not sure if I completely agree with DreemDeep, I guess it works either way. I find the
"The world is ever,
Ever turning"

gives a nice ring to the poem, but it depends on what you were trying to achieve. However, I suggest that if you do decide to remove the extra "ever" that you change

"The" world

to this "This" world. Cheers,

Cameron

Wow.
You think you know a person.......
It's amazing, phoenixfire, really, truly awesome.

Dream Deep wrote:Short and sweet, Pheonixfire. Very nively done, but perhaps one thing to look at...

Breathing out
And breathing in
The world is ever,
Ever turning
On this water-world we spin

The rhythm is very nice throughout, it's just at this one part that it gets awkward. I would cut the second from last line, the 'Ever turning'... I think it breaks the flow of the poem. ^_^

Kinda have to agree with her cause it had a nice flowing rythem but, Ever Turning ruined the flow.