For Eva, Dreaming

You know what, I'm just going to keep raping the forum with my poetry until I get some input XD


FOR EVA, DREAMING

I dated a crap poet back in eighth,
thought she was really something for a while;
it wasn't even really what she wrote -
boys are from Heaney, girls are from Clarke
- but the way she had inkstains on her tongue
from kissing her pen more than she kissed me,
and waking with a notebook on my chest
when my parents were away for a night.
At age fourteen, the finer points of sex
are hoping somebody reads your poems.

When I am a vase on the mantlepiece
and a leather-bound notebook, nothing more,
we will know that love is prepubescent -
and poets couldn't give a damn
- and dream in uncomplicated colour
of the prism angel sleeping on my roof,
and how we never could quite put it into words
but saw it with the eyes of youth,
and ever clear enough.

Should I feel violated? Rapist!

Moving on - meh. I hate you. You make it hard to critique a poem when say...the reader is fourteen and dating a crap poety and knows he's nothing. I see this as completely true.

I dated a crap poet back in eighth,

I'm sorry, but crap poet has got to be the most awkward thing I've ever heard.

and poets couldn't give a damn

Perhaps in parentheses?

O_o

It goes from the rap sort of style to a softer lyrical style! GAH! I mean... you can't switch styles like that in the middle of the poem! So yeah, crap poet is good, but then you start talking about a vase? Oh, come on! Be more less wandering. Because you're rambling. And that's bad. What image do you want to portray? Think about it. After that, find words to describe the image that you want to convey.

And don't ramble!

Silly Pig

Look again until you figure out what it means. Then you'll see why it switches styles and imagery...

Oh, I know what it means. But the style change is still annoying.

But leaving it the same would be like me describing a wedding and funeral in the same tone... why have variation if you can't use it?

That's the idea, at least.

Oh, bob - i've missed your stuff


There are some lines in this that are just...so simple that they are just brilliant...

backgroundbob wrote:- but the way she had inkstains on her tongue
from kissing her pen more than she kissed me,

I love that. I don't know why, but I do. I think it's just that the imagery's so there...

backgroundbob wrote:At age fourteen, the finer points of sex
are hoping somebody reads your poems.

All these 3 are my favourite lines...

backgroundbob wrote:and poets couldn't give a damn
- and dream in uncomplicated colour

Just...so good. Sorry to not say anything else, but there are some real gems in here that are impossible to criticise! I personally like the 'crap' part. It manages to fit in. I'm going to finish now, because as everyone knows, I am notoriously bad at critiques...

I thought this was a great poem. No complaints really. You have some great lines in here, I agree. Nice work.
~Yoha

Dido.

But you don't combine weddings and funerals together, silly.

Oh...too pointed, as in true. I had to read it aloud to hear and think over the rhythm - and I think it came out more than apt.

I would only reitierate the suggestion for -

we will know that love is prepubescent -
and poets couldn't give a damn
- and dream in uncomplicated colour

'Poets couldn't give a damn' seems obscured in between. In parentheses/bracket - better interjection.


Ah, but that's all. Weddings and funerals are, I'd hold, inextricably connected...sometimes maybe inexplicably as well. Perhaps.

^_^

IMP

I reiterate that I love you all (yes, pig, even you!) for your advice and comments XD

To heart, indeed, are they taken! Obliged, yes...



Ta.

So, Bobby--this is good, but compared to your usual work, this is completely blunt, overstated, and, I must agree, rambling.

"crap poet"
On first read, it's good, but it gets annoying. It's too colloquial for your usual work, and it is a little awkward.

"At age fourteen, the finer points of sex
are hoping somebody reads your poems."
I liked this, because it really is understandable and is completely and fabulously true (and this is from a fourteen-year-old).

"and poets couldn't give a damn"
AHHHH! NO! This line totally just broke the entire mentality of the poem. It annoys me. It's... gahk.

Overall, good enough for me.

Ooooold poem. Very old. Old old old.

(good memories, though)

It was ok. Just ok. I had mixed feelings about this poem. Good luck.