when

I’m sick of feeling heartbroken when I shouldn’t be when I have no right to be when I haven’t had a girlfriend in two years and I forget what it feels like to hold her body and feel the warmth of her heartbeat beneath her tight-fit sweater. I’m sick of walking around at night with my cynical friends and laughing at all the drunk boys and girls who hold each other and pretend they’re in love so they don’t have to go back to their rooms alone. I’m sick of this loneliness that suffocates me even when people surround me and prod me and ask me what’s wrong aren’t I having a good time because if I’m not I should and it’s really fucking selfish we just want to have fun you’re bringing the whole place down. I’m sick of forcing myself to talk when there’s nothing left to talk about and all we can do is look at each other and look away because we’re embarrassed by the silence because we feel like we have to fill every second of every minute of every hour with our broken voices.

There’s a fat unattractive girl dancing on the table of the patio of our dorm and she has her hand under her shirt and she’s kind of pulling it up so we can check out her body stretch marks and all. Her name is Emily and her roommate’s name is Sarah she’s an ungrateful slut who comes home with a different guy every night even though she has a boyfriend. Emily stumbled here drunk around two o clock walking up close real comfortable despite never having seen or known us before. Her room is covered in condoms they won from Sex Ed Bingo she says and if she finds one of them missing she’s going to kick Sarah’s ass.

I don’t want to hear about your good time unless I’m having a good time too. I wish you’d stop calling me and telling me about your liberation complex. You were such a fucking loser. What makes you think you’ve changed? What makes you think anything about you is different? You’re the same as you’ve always been and you’ll never be anything more than awkward. I don’t care about the friends you’ve made and how you’re worried about your classes because all you ever do is hang out. I’m not interested in the new movies and music you’ve been exposed to now that you’re around people just like you. Can’t you see I’m jealous? I can’t find the words

It gets harder everyday to fake a smile. It gets harder everyday to look outside myself and say I should just be happy and realize everybody everywhere feels down sometimes it’s perfectly okay things can only get better. It gets harder it gets harder it gets harder I’m just so sick of myself.

This was good, but for some reason alot of the words turned into random symbols... I'm not sure if that's just my computer or something else. I liked what I was able to read though. Great job!

Lmao, my god but this screams: EMO!!!

hahahahahaha, I really liked it though, and bar the very obvious grammar, or lack therof, its quite good. Made me laugh.

Jiggity wrote:Lmao, my god but this screams: EMO!!!

Omg, get over it! It's not emo! Whoever brought that term back for a second, and thus doomed, round deserves to die. If I hear one more wrongly accused band, poem, or person called that I will shoot the accusing.

Its not emo? What are you blind? Sorry to say, but it is: EMO EMO EMO EMO EMO EMO plus infinity

hey man i hate dashboard confessional and bright eyes as much as the next guy but that doesn't mean i'm throwing around "emo" as a derogatory term and poking fun at anything slightly lonely or bitter. this piece is really deeply personal to me and to be honest, it's a little insulting to hear that it made somebody laugh their ass off. tip for a better critique: criticize the lack of grammar or the writing but save the laughter part for your friends.

Green = Comments/Corrections
Blue = Suggestions
Black = Review

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I’m sick of feeling heartbroken when I shouldn’t be when I have no right to be when I haven’t had a girlfriend in two years and I forget what it feels like to hold her body and feel the warmth of her heartbeat beneath her tight-fit sweater.

I found the repetition of ‘when’ annoying here. You might want to think about changing that to something like: I’m sick of feeling heartbroken when I shouldn’t be as I have no right to feel that way. I haven’t had a girlfriend...

I’m sick of walking around at night with my cynical friends and laughing at all the drunk boys and the girls who hold each other and pretend they’re in love so they don’t have to go back to their rooms alone.

The sentence flows better without ‘the’ in front of ‘girls’: ...laughing at all the drunken boys and girls who hold...

I’m sick of this loneliness that suffocates me even when people surround me and prod me and ask me what’s wrong aren’t I having a good time because if I’m not I should and it’s really fucking selfish we just want to have fun you’re bringing the whole place down.

Try splitting up your sentences. This one is quite difficult to read all jammed together. You can take out the third ‘me’. For this bit try wording it differently, use speech marks as it would clarify what the friends(?) say and how the narrator feels.

I’m sick of forcing myself to talk when there’s nothing left to talk about and all we can do is look at each other and look away because we’re embarrassed by the silence because we feel like we have to fill every second of every minute of every hour with our broken voices.

Another awkward reading here. How about: I’m sick of forcing myself to talk when there’s nothing left to say and all we do is exchange looks and turn away—embarrassed by the silence.
Note: The above is a suggestion that you don’t have to necessarily use.

There’s a fat unattractive girl dancing on the table of the patio of our dorm and she has her hand under her shirt and she’s kind of pulling it up so we can check out her body stretch marks and all. Her name is Emily and her roommate’s name is Sarah she’s an ungrateful slut who comes home with a different guy every night even though she has a boyfriend.

I wasn’t too sure who the ‘slut’ was as it was all throw in together. Think about separating Emily and Sarah so the reader isn’t too confused.

I don’t want to hear about your good time unless I’m having a good time too. I wish you’d stop calling me and telling me about your liberation complex. You were such a fucking loser. What makes you think you’ve changed? What makes you think anything about you is different? You’re the same as you’ve always been and you’ll never be anything more than awkward. I don’t care about the friends you’ve made and how you’re worried about your classes because all you ever do is hang out. I’m not interested in the new movies and music you’ve been exposed to now that you’re around people just like you. Can’t you see I’m jealous? I can’t find the words.

That was a twist in direction. Throughout the piece ‘you’ wasn’t addressed until here. Unless it was intentional I’d change it to fit with the whole piece.

I really don’t see what was so funny here.

Since it is about feelings and I can relate to this, I guess a lot of people can. There wasn’t anything that stuck out but for a short piece it wasn’t too bad.