Call of Darkness

Chapter 1

I can still remember the day it all started. Well, maybe not the actual day, but at least when it started. That time, that very beginning, felt so trivial then. Now, I know what it was, and I’ll never forget it. I remember where I was and what I was doing; on my knees, my head leaning over the toilet, throwing up.

Yes, that was where it all began. That’s how it all started. I was sicker than a dog, as they say. I’m still not sure where the expression came from, but it still comes to mind when I remember the scene. I’d been feeling out of it for a few days before that, with minor headaches, soreness, and other stuff. Basically, I had just felt like crap. Then I started throwing up. I mean nothing stayed down. Far as I knew, it was this new bug that’d been going around the last few months. The weirdest thing was, at least at the time, was I always felt the sickest after the sun went down.

All those things made the daytime stink as well, since I was hardly getting any sleep between feeling miserable and the bizarre dreams at night. I still can’t remember just what those dreams were about, as they had faded as soon as I woke up, but from what recollections I do have, they make more sense now. Heck, I’m hardly making sense.

Ah, here I am telling you about myself and you don’t even know who I am. The name’s Alex, Alex Terral, and I’m likely a lot like you. At least, a lot like a lot of people you’ve seen. I’ve got short straight black hair, which is very appropriate considering what I am, but I’ll get to that in a bit. I’m clean shaven, I’ve got what I’ve been told is a narrower head than most, I’m in pretty good shape, and everything else is pretty average, to my way of looking. Yep, by looking at me you’d never know there was anything about me other than being a typical young American man. How wrong you’d be.

You see, there’s nothing normal about me. I know, I know, everyone’s unique and everyone’s special, but not like me. “Well what makes you so special?” I know you must be asking. Well, if I told you everything right now, what would be the point of this story? Speaking of which, I believe it’s time to get back to it.

Like I said, I was puking my guts out, and I may be more right there then even I know, but I’ll spare you the details. These fits would last several minutes and usually only stopped shortly after nothing would come up but bile. Then, not in the mood to put anything in my still rebelling stomach, I’d lie down on my futon and try to get to sleep. Despite my quite violent stomach, exhaustion quickly took me to sleep.

As I said before, I have little memory of my dreams, but there are scraps, here and there in my mind, that I do remember. The prevailing theme in all of them was darkness and shadow. Yet the feeling of helplessness or fear was never tied to it, at least not as far as I can remember. It’s . . . hard to explain, and I doubt you’d understand even with an explanation. No offense.

All this made going to college quite difficult. Between spending my time feeling like crap and getting anything but restful sleep, I was barely keeping my head above water. I thought then that my life had hit a low point, and had the optimistic view that things couldn’t get much worse and would certainly get better, sooner or later. If only I knew. Then again, I don’t think I’d have wanted myself to know then what I do now. Things would have gone a lot differently for sure, and more likely for the worse.

As time went on, and I stubbornly refused to see a doctor, I did begin feeling better. The headaches gradually became less and less painful and throwing up at night was no longer a given. That had been a relief. Things started to get back to normal; at least as far as the word normal applies for anyone. I’ve long ago put the word “normal” to the very back of my diction and it’s rare to hear me utter the word.

Anyway, things were getting back to the status-quo, homework and cooking were becoming more manageable, and things were more or less looking up. I was cutting up some chicken for dinner, trying to be creative with what little cooking knowledge I had, when somehow I managed to cut my finger as well as the chicken.

“Son of a…” I said, pissed off at myself that I’d done something so stupid. I couldn’t believe that I actually cut myself. Ripping off a piece of paper towel, I went to cover my finger to stop the bleeding. It was likely nothing serious.

At least, that’s what I had thought when I hit my finger. When I looked at my hand to see how badly I had cut myself, I froze. I’m still not sure if I froze in horror, disbelief, shock, a combination of the three or none of the three. My mind just stopped working altogether for a moment, because what I saw on my hand was not red. It was black. The blood that had begun to slowly run down the side of my finger, was black.

Ooh, and intriguing (and well written) beginning. Bravo .

My only suggestion is this:

‘Heck, I’m hardly making sense.’

I think that could maybe do with some sort of emphasise (like italics) on the word “I’m”.

Conversational prose is always apt for getting close and quickly to a character's thoughts and voice. For the most part, you've got it - Alex sounds like what he...is. ^_~ Or at least, what he is superficially and so far.

I’ve got short straight black hair, which is very appropriate considering what I am, but I’ll get to that in a bit. I’m clean shaven, I’ve got what I’ve been told is a narrower head than most, I’m in pretty good shape, and everything else is pretty average, to my way of looking. Yep, by looking at me you’d never know there was anything about me other than being a typical young American man. How wrong you’d be.

This piece hung out a bit, sounded the least naturaly of any of Alex's explanation/thought. Perhaps the shift from 'puking his guts out' to this rather nonchalant description of himself?

It might fit better were it to be more immediate - Alex glancing up to find his face in the mirror after vomiting all over the sink? ...then shift into his thoughts about appearance (not looking so wonderful perhaps at the moment) but quite ordinary. Changed to that, it won't cut in to the dramatic confusion about why he's puking all over, but it will manage to give an impression of his looks all the same.

I know, I know, everyone’s unique and everyone’s special, but not like me. “Well what makes you so special?” I know you must be asking.

I like the 'I know, I know...everyone's unique, special' - fits with cynical pop culture. Is it ironic or just sort of tossed-off though?

'I know you must be asking' seems rather long, not quite in keeping with Alex tone. Would it sound as well (to you) if it were more along the lines of - "you're probably aksing" or "you're asking, right?"

Speaking of which, I believe it’s time to get back to it.

...Sticks out again; repeats what's implied already. Look at the transition between parapraphs and see if it doesn't fit as well, or flow better without it as an interjection.

As time went on, and I stubbornly refused to see a doctor,

Out of curiosity...is this a character point? Does he dislike doctors? Any experience linked to that?

I was cutting up some chicken for dinner, trying to be creative with what little cooking knowledge I had, when somehow I managed to cut my finger as well as the chicken.

Long sentence for something that's action. This is the point, isn't it? It almost...fades past - oh yes, he's cutting chicken, little cooking experience...cuts his finger. Could you break it up? If between '...little cooking knowledge I had' [fullstop/period] interject exasperated 'Heck, it wasn't going good/wasn't worth it/was looking worse and worse' then 'somehow I cut my finger and the chicken -'

“Son of a…” I said, pissed off at myself that I’d done something so stupid. I couldn’t believe that I actually cut myself. Ripping off a piece of paper towel, I went to cover my finger to stop the bleeding. It was likely nothing serious.

Liked this - any action, presently, draws a reader in even if done hack-job distractedly -- and this wasn't. ^_^

But drop the dialogue tag 'I said' perhaps? That way, you lead directly into the action; we know Alex said it, no one else is saying 'son of a ...'

So more like so -

“Son of a…” Jerking away from the counter, I ripped [ Ripping off a piece of paper towel a piece of paper towel to cover my finger to stop the bleeding. It was likely nothing serious. [ More informal, maybe? 'it probably wasn't serious/couldn't be bad' ]

My mind just stopped working altogether for a moment, because what I saw on my hand was not red. It was black. The blood that had begun to slowly run down the side of my finger, was black.

Here, works wonderfully - short sentence breaking up the longer on either side. ^_^ And as for the content itself, certainly draws the reader to wonder why?. I'm curious. Black? Why? ...he'd never cut himself before? Has this been something recent?...since he hit highschool?

Intrigued me; the 'puking his guts out' drew me in from the first.

As I don't know what's going on, I can't say much on that... The first-person - rather conversational - is an excellent device. I'd only warn - watch the more formal expressions slipping in, when it's obviously Alex speaking/remarking. He can be educated, more precise...but in conversation he'll likely be less than formal. ^_^

Heh, Sureal, thanks for bringing that up. There should be emphasis there.

Thanks for the crit Imp! You brought out several goods points I somehow managed to miss.

About the opening, what I was trying to do is start off like he's telling you the story after it's all finished, slowly transitioning to sound more present tense. Basically, Alex is telling you his story now that it's over. Looking at a mirror sounds more like he's telling you what's going on as it's happening.

The "I know, I know" remark is basically there to anticipate the reader's most likely reaction, since he has a pretty good idea as to what it would be.

As to the doctor bit, I agree that I might need to put a little explantion to that, now that you mention it.

Agree with the preparing diner scene as well. Now that you've mentioned it and I've reread it, it seems to go by too fast, and I need to make each action (cutting chicken, cutting finger) seperate. That and making it more conversational would make it sound better.

WOOHOO!!! I made a decent opener! That's always one of the hardest parts for me. I'm glad you liked it.

Things will make more sense as the book goes on. So, if you're still curious, I'll have chapter two up in a few days or so. You know, to let other people see chapter one first and so I can critique others in the meantime. Thanks again for the helpful critique.

You should definitely continue. I'm curious to know why the blood is black, why Alex is sick and what he is changing into (suggestion from subtitle).

I don't see many fantasy pieces with first-person narration but you've pulled it off and get Alex to be more realistic.

I'm getting weird symbols whenver there's supposed to be apostrophes. It's making it almost impossible to read.

For the most part I enjoyed it, although it gets rather redundant when he keeps telling us that he's different than everyone else. I heard him tell me that same thing about five different times.

Chapter 2


My blood was black. Snapping out of my numbness, I covered the finger so I wouldn’t bleed on anything. Why in the hell was my blood black? Last I’d seen it was red just like everyone else’s. When did it become black, and how? Looking at it closer, since I couldn’t help but stare at it, I noticed that it wasn’t truly black. It was more of a dark grey. That was so much better.

Eventually, it stopped bleeding, and I washed off the blood in the kitchen sink. My mind was racing with more questions then I could even comprehend at one time. I sat down and tried to calm myself to think. If there was one thing I hated more than blind incompetence, it was meaningless panicking. Sure, I may have had a reason to panic right then, and I doubt many people would have blamed me, but I knew that panicking would do me no good.

The first question that managed to form into words in my mind as it calmed was if I should see a doctor. That one I dismissed nearly the instant it entered my mind. There was no way I was going to the hospital. I wasn’t about to become some TV medical mystery. Heck, the idea that the government might become interested in me entered my mind. After all, my blood was grey all of a sudden. No, I wasn’t about to go to the hospital unless I thought I was going to die. And at the moment, I actually felt fine.

Answering that question answered several similar questions that followed, and actually managed to answer the question of “what do I do now?” That answer, to both my surprise and not to my surprise, was to do nothing. I would go about my life as I was, and do a little research where I could. Maybe this was just some weird medical condition that was already known, just not widely, like that thing they call “werewolf syndrome”, whatever its scientific name was, or how some people cant be exposed to sunlight. For now, I was fine, so I would wait.

When I got to campus the next day, things were a little weird. Basically, I kept getting these strange feelings throughout the day. That’s the best I could explain them at the time. It was almost like a sixth sense kind of thing, except I didn’t see dead people.

Every now and then, when I passed someone, it was like I could feel them. Not feel as is touch, but like I could feel their presence, apart from everyone else nearby. When it really hit me though, was when my friend Sharon walked by. She was tall, slim without being skinny, with long brown hair. It seemed darker that day. Actually, she seemed darker all over, like she was in a bit of shadow. Except there was no shadow. She kept her head down as she walked past, and it was then that I distinctly got that weird feeling. That’s when I got a sense of what the feeling was. There was something, different, about Sharon.

What was different, I had no idea. I knew something was wrong by the way she kept her head down, but that sense made me worried. Had something happened to her? Was she all right? Was she like me? The last struck me as a real possibility. However, I didn’t know how to broach the subject, so I didn’t go chasing after her. I thought that I would likely call her at the end of the day, see if anything was bothering her. If she and I were going through the same thing, maybe we could help each other, somehow.

When my classes were over I started walking back to my apartment. It was only about a five minute walk or so, so taking my bike wouldn’t have served much of a purpose. On the way, I got the feeling that I was being watched. It wasn’t like the feeling I got from Sharon, it was just that feeling that people get that’s usually paranoia. However, with everything that had already happened, I was not above superstition. I had accepted superstition a while ago.

I tried to keep an even pace; trying to act as though nothing was off, like it was any other day. The feeling stayed, and after a few more steps it was like there was more than one watcher. Feeling like your being watched by someone is bad enough, but being watched my multiple someone’s? That put me over the edge. I quickened my pace a bit. Maybe I’d get back to my apartment in four minutes.

Finally getting into my room, I shut the door and instantly turned the deadbolt. The feeling of being watched faded, even with the huge window that dominated one wall of my little apartment. I let out a small sigh of relief.

My cell phone went off and I nearly jumped to the ceiling. I had never been so high strung. I looked for the number on the screen, but there was no number. I flipped it open to answer. “Hello?”

“You are Alex Terral, correct?” came a cold sounding voice. It sent a shiver up my spine, and caused that weird feeling to return.

“Who is this?” I asked, trying to sound casual. I doubted I succeeded at all.

“Who I am is not important at the moment. What matters is that your life is in danger.”

“And I’m supposed to believe you why?” For some reason, I just knew that it wasn’t a prank call. There was something about the voice that simply wasn’t right.

“Oh, surely you should realize that by now. I didn’t take you for a fool. Not many fools reach college. Let me say, that you are different in ways that you don’t think others are, correct?”

He hit that one dead on, but it could have been coincidence. “I don’t know what you mean by that. Now who are you?” I asked, letting a little anger into my voice.

Whoever it was on the line laughed. That sound gave me the most vivid feeling I had had yet. There was something seriously wrong with whoever it was, and I wanted no part of it.

“My young, naïve, ignorant Alex. You do not understand, do you? Do not worry, it will become clear soon. And soon, you and I will become the closest of friends.” Another laugh followed that remark. “Soon, very soon, you will understand.” And the line went out. He had hung up.

Looking at it closer, since I couldn't help but stare at it, I noticed that it wasn't truly black. It was more of a dark grey. That was so much better.

Grey blood is even weirder!

Maybe this was just some weird medical condition that was already known, just not widely, like that thing they call 'werewolf syndrome', whatever its scientific name was, or how some people cant be exposed to sunlight.

… or how some people couldn’t be …

However, with everything that had already happened, I was not above superstition. I had accepted superstition a while ago.

Could you maybe further that last sentence to explain why he believed in superstition?

I feel as if this was rushed a little, like you wanted to cram a lot of things into a short chapter. Slow down and try to make what he did and explanations for it.

I would have liked Alex to confront Sharon and find out if anything really was wrong or if he saw anyone else that appeared different (the shadow thing), but you being the author can think about changing it or keep it if your saving it for the next chapter.

Alex really needs to have a bit more emotion, he has just found his blood has changed colour and thinking about other peoples weird conditions was good, what you might what to think about is – does Alex feel different inside apart from the ‘sense’ of others.

A little note: These chapters are intentionally short, so you're not likely to get a great deal of information per chapter. Basically, he's telling you what he knew when, which early on, as you've read, isn't much. If you feel as though it's dragging instead of leading however, please let me know.

Chapter 3


Understandably, that call put me on edge. There was something not right about that voice, something that got to me. I didn’t trust that voice at all. Whoever it was seemed to know about me, more than I knew. Maybe he was bluffing. Still, I doubted that. That laughing was possibly the closest thing to evil I had ever heard. Now what?

Right then, paranoia was far too weak a word to describe what I was feeling. Too many things were happening at once, too many things that were far beyond my control. Oddly enough, I felt very alone.

I was used to being alone. I lived alone in my apartment, I never had all that many friends, and I’ve never been bothered by being by myself before. Now though, it felt different. It wasn’t simply that I was by myself; it felt now like something was missing. Like there was a hole inside of me. I don’t really know how else to put it. I’m sure some of you know what I mean, and can understand what I’m saying. For a time, it felt as though I wasn’t whole, and that the rest of the world no longer existed.

That’s when I remembered Sharon. Did she get that call? Well, I wouldn’t bring it up if she didn’t. I just wanted to talk to someone and wanted to know if she was all right.

I hit the speed dial and waited for her to pick up as I sat down on my futon. It was several rings before she picked up.

“Hello?” Her voice seemed awfully shaky.

“Hey Sharon, it’s me, Alex. How you doing?”

“Okay, I guess. What about you?”

“Not as well as I’d like, but I’m all right. By the way, I saw you down on campus. Is something wrong?”

“Oh, I … just haven’t been feeling all that well recently. I got that bug that’s been going around here these past few weeks. I don’t think I’ve gotten over it yet.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. I just got over it myself a few days ago. Nasty little thing isn’t it?”

“You have no idea.” She sounded so sad when she said that.

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, nothing, nothing” she said hurriedly. “I’m, just rambling. It’s nothing, really.”

I didn’t believe a word she said. “Sharon, is everything all right? Please, tell me.”

“I’m all right Alex, really. Um, you want to maybe hang out together sometime? Maybe tomorrow, after classes?”

“Sure. Around four, at the library?”

“That sounds good. I’ll see you then. Bye.” She hung up before I could even say goodbye.

That wasn’t like Sharon. Not like her at all. I was worried about her. She sounded, scared, in a way. It was only the second time I’d heard her like that, but this time was worse. Well, at least this time she wanted to talk, even if not over the phone. That was at least a good sign.

Sitting on my futon, the man’s words came back to me. I was different in a way that no one else was. What does he know about me? What is it about me? What’s changed? I looked down at my hand, where I could still see the cut. Was there more to this than just my blood changing color? Was that weird feeling somehow connected to this? And the illness?

If the illness was the cause that meant Sharon had changed like me. Or was it simply a coincidence? The illness had been going around for a while and as far as I’d heard, there was no crisis of people mutating. Maybe it was a coincidence. Somewhere deep down, I doubted that though, and the thought put me even more on edge. Why I hadn’t simply fallen off the cliff of sanity already, I’m still not sure. One of the mysteries of the universe.

That night, things got really weird. I’m not sure if I ever truly got to sleep that night. Maybe I did. Still, it was anything but restful. For much of the entire night, I heard voices. And no, I wasn’t crazy. Though I thought I just might have been at the time.

There were two sets of voices I heard. One set reminded me of the man on the phone. There were several of them, speaking in a language I had never heard. Something in the back of my mind told me that I should know it, should understand it, but at the time I didn’t. I can still remember some of what was said, and can translate it now. Not that it really matters now though.

The other voices were, well, not exactly comforting, but certainly nicer to listen to. They were closer to human voices, though they too spoke in a language I could not understand at the time. It was these voices that I tried to listen to, tried to understand. In a strange way, there was something familiar about both voices. A lot of strange things were going in those first few days.

Then, one voice caught my attention, and I tried to focus on that one, ignoring the rest. I knew the voice somehow. For a brief moment, I thought I knew who it was. Almost, I saw the speaker in my mind. I could feel it, no, her I realized, that she realized that I was listening. I could feel her. Then I understood the first words of that dark, cold language, “Help me.”

My eyes shot wide open to see the ceiling of my darkened room. Her words repeated themselves in my mind, a lonely echo; “Help me.” I knew her, I knew that I knew her, but I could not figure out who it was. Why was she so familiar? Had I seen her before? Was it from a past life or something? The sadness that resonated from the voice had struck me. She was sad, lost, and frightened in more ways than she thought possible. What's happening to me? What’s going on?

I stayed there, lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, for the rest of the night. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I wouldn’t go back to sleep. Yet I found myself saying in my mind, don’t worry, I will.

Green = Comment/Correction
Black = Review

*

I was used to being alone. I lived alone in my apartment, I never had all that many friends, and I’ve never been bothered by being by myself before.

The ‘all’ in the sentence is awkward, it reads better if you take it out.

Sitting on my futon, the man’s words came back to me. I was different in a way that no one else was. What does he know about me?

Keep the tense the same. ‘does’ should be ‘did’.

Then I understood the first words of that dark, cold language, “Help me.”

Cold language? I’m not too sure you could describe it that way. However, I don’t really have a suggestion for it.

She was sad, lost, and frightened in more ways than she thought possible. What's happening to me? What’s going on?

Was this the girl or Alex thinking?

It is taking rather long for the inevitable to take place. I would suggest combining chapter one and two together, it’s just a suggestion.

What you would probably need to take a look at is about the voices. Doesn’t Alex get a headache? I mean, so many voices crammed into his head(?) would surely drive him mad? Possibly make him angry? Anyway, you should think about emotions there.

Now I’ll have to wait to find out who this girl is but I think I may have an inkling, yet I could be wrong.

Thank you Myth, for the critiques and being a solid supporter of my work. I shall get to critiqueing "Oracle's Possesion", at least the first part tomorrow. My little way of saying thanks.

As to the voices, they are not all simultaniously speaking. It's more like only two conversations at once. One set of voices having one conversation, and the other having another. So it's not quite as bad as it may first sound. Guess I should make that clearer in the revision. As to emotions, that's not a bad idea.

I also agree with you on chapters. Short chapters may not work for this peice. Don't worry, things will pick up shortly, just one more thing need to happen first. I'll post the next chapter in a week or so to catch up on critiqueing, as I'm falling behind on the polite 2 to 1 ratio. Antway, thanks for the help.

A little note: I've combined chapters 2 and 3, and taken out the dream sequence at the end of what was chapter 3. If you liked that scene, let me know and I'll consider putting it back in there. So, on with what is now chapter 3. I'll post my edited versions in a while.


Chapter 3


Morning came as it always did, illuminating my room a bit through the blinds. Though I didn’t want to go to sleep, I didn’t want to get up either. To say the least, I wasn’t exactly awake. I doubted that I got any more than two hours of sleep that night. But, after an hour or two more, I eventually got up and onto my feet. Nothing was going to happen if I stayed there, and I needed to get moving. I made myself some breakfast, two waffles straight from the toaster, in the vain hopes it would help wake me up. Coffee wasn’t exactly an option, since I never drink it, so it wasn’t in my apartment.

While I didn’t exactly wake up, I at least became more coherent. Coherency allowed me to think, and to remember. Soon, very soon, you will understand. The line came to the front of my mind in an instant. How soon was soon? Today? A week later? The “very soon” part had me worried. Just what was about to happen that would make me understand. Just what was going on? But, for the time being, I knew there was little I could do about it, so I decided to go about the day as I usually did. Funny how I could do anything normal when my life seemed to have become anything but.

After browsing the internet for a bit, playing some video games, and working on my homework, I looked at my clock and saw that it was 12:30. I still had three and a half hours until I went to meet Sharon. Normally that wouldn’t bother me, but with what had happened over the last two days, it was getting to me. Okay, maybe I’ll just try to take my mind off of things for a while. Booting up my PS2, I started playing again.

That was the longest streak I’d been on that thing in a while, and even I can only play for so long. I turned it off, leaned back on my futon and looked around. What do I do now? I thought. Homework? Yeah, right. Internet? Already did that. The dishes? Tempting, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The radio also didn’t really seem all that appealing.

Shaking my head, I grabbed my cell phone, my sunglasses, my backpack, my wallet, and my watch. I just couldn’t take it in my apartment anymore. I’d just wait for Sharon at the library. Maybe I’d do some reading while I waited. Locking the deadbolt on my way out, I walked down the stairs to the front door and was on my way.

It was a pretty good size library. Three stories, technically, made almost completely of white marble and architecture that just seemed to say library. I don’t know why, but even though they all look different, all libraries seem to have a similar feel to them. That’s probably intentional.

Anyway, I walked into the library as I usually do, randomly looking around as I always found myself doing. I don’t know why, but I always felt comfortable there. The feeling even managed to get through all the stuff that had been piling on me recently. It didn’t get rid of it, but I still felt that peaceful feeling, and that’s saying a lot.

I started browsing the fiction section, as I usually do, and found that the book I’d been waiting for hadn’t gotten back yet. I’d figured as much, but you never know. And, as I also usually found myself doing, I migrated to the young adult fiction section. Sure, I was nineteen, but most of those books can be enjoyed by anyone with reading skill. That, and they weren’t too heavy with life lessons. They’re far more subliminal than standard fiction in my opinion. That’s fine by me.

Looking down at my watch, which was a weird habit of mine, I found that it was only around 1:30 or so. Another two and a half hours. My gaze fell back at the books. I knew I couldn’t simply stare at them for that time, but I didn’t know what else to do. Maybe I could start to read one of them.

Eventually, a book caught my eye. I’d pulled a few off the shelf already, and I’d read the descriptions in the jacket, but I decided to give this one a chance as well. It was titled Shadow Moon. I actually own that book now, as it holds a good story, and memories. The summary on the inside of the jacket sounded interesting, so I sat down at one of the chairs they have by the young adult books and opened up to the first page.

For what time I had, it was quite a good read. It was the story of a young man who had been turned into a werewolf, but kept his sanity. Hunted by everyone for what he was, he ran, doing what he could to help others when he could. I had just gotten to the part where forces of shadow were trying to temp him to their side when a voice interrupted me.

“Alex?”

My head snapped up, startled, to look Sharon in the eye. She still seemed to have that darkness around her, but I was so glad to see her. For the first time in two and a half days, I smiled.

“Oh, Sharon, I didn’t hear you get here. How are you?”

She smiled back at me, but not with the same brightness I was used to seeing from her. “As far as I can tell, I think I’m getting over that bug.” She looked down at the book. “Found something to read?”

I looked down at it, then put a bookmark I saw nearby between the pages and closed it. “Yeah, I was starting to get bored in my apartment. So, I decided to get here early and find something to read.”

“Is it a good book? Looks like you’ve gotten pretty far.”

“Yeah, I like it so far.”

We were silent for a bit, knowing we were both avoiding what we came there to talk about.

“So” I managed to finally say, “Are you okay?”

She looked down, like she couldn’t look me in the eye. I sat there, giving her space and time. Whatever had happened had hurt her deeply. It hurt me to see her like that again.

“I don’t know” she finally managed to softly say. “I really don’t know.” Then she looked me in the eye, and I could see the question in her eyes before she even moved her mouth to say it. “What about you?”

“I’m not sure either. I’ve been feeling all right, I guess, but there just seems to be something, different. Maybe it’s just a continuation of that bug. Maybe it’s just not over yet.”

“Maybe.” There was such a lack of conviction in her voice. Did she know something I didn’t? Was I the only one in the dark?

“I’m sorry, I have to go” she said suddenly and turned around to leave.

“Wait” I said as I grabbed her wrist. I didn’t want her to go, not yet.

She turned around to face me, fear evident on every feature of her face. It took a moment for me to realize where the fear came from. As I held her wrist, I felt only her skin. I held on a moment longer. I could feel her, but I could not feel a pulse. She had no pulse. I looked into her eyes once more, her fear mirrored on my face as my own.

“Sharon?” My voice, to my surprise, was a bit shaky.

The fear on her face was now mixed with sadness. “Please” she simply said, tears beginning to form in her eyes.

I let go of her then, and watched her walk away. I watched until I couldn’t see her anymore, then I listened until her footsteps died away.

Even now, I don’t know how long I sat there. I was all but numb. What had happened to Sharon? What was happening to me? What was happening period? I had been asking those questions, and others like them it seemed, for a while now. I wanted answers, any kind of answers, just as long as the questions were answered. Turning my head towards the large windows that replaced the wall in that corner of the library, I let my tears roll, as I was sure Sharon was doing. I couldn’t remember the last time I cried, and right then, I didn’t care.


I still feel that the pace of the overall story may be a bit slow, but I'm not sure how to spped it up. Let me know if you agree or disagree, because I've been debating with myself for a bit now.

Mmm...You know, I liked it a lot! It drew me in from the beginning because of how vivid the narrator's voice is. You really help us to know him. The only thing I wonder is that, is he kind of a paranoia-freak? Because he talks a lot to himself, over and over again, lol. I figured it was a trait of his.

But to answer your question about pace, in the beginning it moves very quickly, I really liked that. But the rest is moving kind of slow, its like you've cocked and loaded the gun, but are waiting for ever to fire. Its starting to drag a bit.

Another thing I noticed was that the library scene was very short-lived. I was expecting something more to happen with Sharon, I mean she came for like two minutes and then left. Bam! Thats it? I was hoping for more.

Overall I like it a lot, I didn't really read it through for grammar because you seem like you can do that on your own. But it is starting to slow down and drag on, so try to fix that. Keep up the great work!

-Aero

Personally, I enjoyed the dream sequence. However, if you feel the story has moved away from that and the dream sequence would only go to distract from the storyline, that's fine. My only suggestion would be that in light of the casual writing style, just be careful that you do not become casual to the extent that it becomes shoddy. Cheers,

Cameron

I - personally - feel the pace is fine, and I'm enjoying the way in which the mystery is slowing being revelaed to us.

At times, however, it feels as though it might be a bit predictable (although, as we haven't finished the story, I can't really say if it is or isn't). For example, the girl's voice in the dream sequence: the idea jumps to mind is that it's Sharon. I don't know if it is, but that's the obvious answer that springs to mind, and so I was supprised that Alex didn't even consider that.

Personally, if I were you, I'd leave the dream sequence out. It's a nice scene, but isn't really needed (once again, as far as I can tell from what you've posted so far).

I like Alex's voice and the reading of this certainly flows well. And, at the end of each chapter, I want to read the next one - so Im looking forwards to Chapter 4 .