Broken

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i wrote this, for all things, as a short fiction piece (500 words or less) for my creative writing class where the excercise was to write about someone of a different socio-economic or ethnic background than yours. *shrug* anyway, enjoy, i don't usually write prose of this nature.




The girl woke up to a grey sky. It may have been very early in the morning, or quite late in the evening. She brushed Oreo crumbs off her shirt and peeled her headphones away from her neck.
There were red marks like the ghosts of scars where they had slid down and dug into her skin. The battery light was flickering, but still valiantly blasting track 12. Even with the headphones dangling from her neck, she could hear a small, tinny echo of the song.
She had bought the CD only yesterday, and listened to it continuously. God, it was beautiful. But this morning- was it morning?- the lead singer sounded, as her mother often described her music, like a dying vulture.
With a final plaintive beep, like a heart monitor switching off, her CD player cut off the final hollow strains of electric guitar. Low Batt flashed briefly on the small digital window, then went blank. He's dead, doctor. Time of death, 5:51 a.m. EST by her bedside digital clock. 7:10 by the horse-head clock in the hall. She stumbled into the kitchen, where a weak half-light glowed from the smudge of dirty sky framed by the windowpane. The microwave clock said 12:03.
She grabbed her Cocoa Pops from the cabinet, and turned the box around, facing the manic looking chocolate-brown koala bear toward the empty chair across the table. Cold cereal mascots bothered her immensly for some reason. This morning the koala was positively leering.
The cereal was stale and tasted like mothballs. The milk was sour. She rinsed the bowl and dropped the dish into the sink. It shattered, separating the faded flowers that decorated it into isolated china-shard continents. Almost tenderly, she carried the pieces individually to the overflowing waste basket and laid them to rest on a pile of blackened banana peels and sour coffee grounds and old newspapers.
The sound of the television drew her to the living room, where her mother slumbered in her chair, timeless like a porpoise encased in ice. She didn't seem to be breathing.
The girl calculated the number of empty bottles toppled on the floor. Twelve, fourteen, twenty-three. Yes, it was time to call the ambulance. She switched off the television, blacking out the catfight between two morbidly obese cheatin' transvestites, and recited her address to the dispassionate voice at the other end.
She put on her Spongebob slippers and waited for the ambulance outside, away from the choking beer and vomit curdled air.
It was snowing. Fat white flakes like dying moths spiraled down from the sky, brushing her bare arms and settling in her tangled hair, dusting it prematurely grey. It was not snow, she realized, catching one of them and holding it close as it fluttered weakly in her hand. It was ash. Chicken little, the sky is falling. But she did not run to the safety of her pink-walled little girl's room and pull down the shades. She stood outside in her white tee shirt and green shorts and Spongebob slippers and let the sky fall on her bare skin and melt away into nothing. She stood until she heard the wail of sirens in the distance.




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wow...I thought this was really cool. Although I don't have any criticism, all I can say is this- this will stay in my mind for a looong time. well done!
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin




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Nice story though I cant see a bit that its says that shes worried... maybe I cant read.




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that was a really good story.you wrote one of this pieces that just makes you think.i wonder if you got an a onyour story
~*~Peace, Love, and Protesters~*~
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JFK BLOWN AWAY WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO SAY!!!!!!!




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yeah, it got an 'A' ... but the teacher said the ammount of beer bottles was unrealistic. I don't know though, it would take a lot of beer to kill a really fat person. And they could have been from the previous day, or something.




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I liked it, but I would have prefered reading it in first-person rather than third, with no name given. Personally, I find it very rare that when a writer chooses not to give a name it will work in third person. But without a name given, it would work a lot better as a first-person narrative. Also, with little pieces like this, which are sort of windows into other people's lives, a first-person narrative helps us connect to the character better.




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Good gosh. This brought a tear to my eye. I'm not the overly emotional type, but there was just something about this piece. Your descriptions were phenomenal--they really brought out the pain and bitterness of the main character without overly emphasizing that point.

Just one nitpick:
...facing the manic looking chocolate-brown koala bear toward the empty chair across the table. Cold cereal mascots bothered her immensly for some reason. This morning the koala was positively leering.

This sentence didn't seem to fit with the rest of the story. Perhaps if you elaborated more about why exactly the mascot bothered her like it did--tied it in with the character's feelings for her mother or something along those lines, it would fit better. I just found this part kind of random and out of place, but maybe it's just me.


Emma wrote:Nice story though I cant see a bit that its says that shes worried... maybe I cant read.

Excuse me if I interpretted this differently from how it was intended to be written, Faith, but I don't think she's worried. The main character has probably been through the 'ambulance' routine so many times beforehand that it hardly phases her now. She's numb to worry, or so to speak.


Sorry, my review didn't really do your work much justice. Your story was powerful and certainly moving--I just had a hard time finding the words to say how much so.
i thought you were shallow, but then i fell in deep.




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I really, really, really liked this! I love how you went through so many details of her day and how everything was sort of vague, but the point is still there. Very nice! :D
Don't let the turkeys get you down!




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This is good but it shows no emotion, it might be better if you added a bit that showed how the girl felt. Also at the start i couldn't tell if she was outside or inside because you said she 'woke up to a grey sky'.
Otherwise good.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.




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faith wrote:With a final plaintive beep, like a heart monitor switching off, her CD player cut off the final hollow strains of electric guitar. Low Batt flashed briefly on the small digital window, then went blank. He's dead, doctor. Time of death, 5:51 a.m. EST by her bedside digital clock. 7:10 by the horse-head clock in the hall. She stumbled into the kitchen, where a weak half-light glowed from the smudge of dirty sky framed by the windowpane. The microwave clock said 12:03.


I liked this part because I thought it showed in an indirect sort of way how messed up the girl's life was and how everything was just crazy. I don't really think that I have any criticism...I personally liked it in third person. It kind of set the tone for the piece: kind of cold and distant. Anyway, nice job. I liked it a lot.




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This is a whole lot better than its title would have lead me to expect. I especially enjoy the way you describe things with originality, while not overdoing it- a sign a good writing. The title, though, is too overused, as those emotional poets have used it so often in describing their poor quality productions.
///thanks.




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I liked this. Yeah, the title did make me think of an emo song or poem, but I clicked on it anyway and I'm glad. I love how descriptive you are.
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats


critiques // nano



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