[exam/class] Detached

...

'Don't worry,' said Til, 'I don't know where I'm going.'

He sat beneath the park elms and stared at the sky, light spotting his face, silvered like the tree bark. Around his bare feet shadows shied from sunlight. The grass whispered with the breeze - and perhaps spoke more sensibly than the boy in its lap. Though no one could tell.

'Don't be crazy,' snapped the girl. 'It's not true.'

Til wouldn't look at her. 'See,' he pointed, 'First star.'

It glimmered on the Eastern horizon, jeweled in the trees' hair and the twilight cast violet shadows round it. A bruised sky, the girl would say.

Til only pointed. 'Look.'

'Twilight,' she said, 'Sunset and it's ugly.'

'Why?'

'Because,' she looked away. 'Because - it's dark.'

'But the star,' said Til.

'Don't talk about the stupid little pricks of light!' she cried. ' D'you hear? It's dark!'

And Til finally tilted his head down, blinking with the dusk's smudged fingers pressed into his narrow cheeks and shade beneath his eyes.

'You're a stupid little boy,' she said, and her voice caught - 'You don't remember.'

Vaguely, Til smiled, glancing back up into the sky.
'First star, you see?'

She left him beneath the elm branches and deepening shade, knotted hands in her pockets and eyes down. She didn't like the shadow that clung to her steps. It dragged thoughts back to dusk, back to Til staring at stars...back to memories. She hated him because he could forget.

The limpid morning found Til in the window-seat. The dusk smudge-shade was gone, his pale face too wan. There were bruises in its place.

'When did you get in?'

'This morning?' he didn't look at her. Turned towards the window, he wasn't blinking in the sunlight.

She rolled off the bed and sat at its foot, blankets over shoulders. 'It'll burn your eyes out.'

'No,' said Til, 'I can see better in the light. I dreamed, you know.'

'No,' she said.

'Yes.' He closed his eyes. 'I don't remember it.'

'Go to bed, Til. Go to bed, all right?' she stood up, tossing quilt and sheets over the bad - 'Go to bed. I'll get breakfast.'

'I'm not sleepy.'

'Yes you are. I'll bring up a bagel.'

He leaned into the wall, dawn limned his face. 'Don't worry,' he said.

She left him in the windowseat. Downstairs the dining room looked like dusk still fell, still falling, still there... The curtains drawn cast hairnet shadow into the corners and beneath their skirts.

A crooked figure draped in her star-print comforter lay in the corner. Days of cans and scattered food sat awkwardly on the table as if the setter had had some sense of their incongruity. She forgot not to think...it looked like her broken doll house. It looked like the front room after Nani had thrown her fit; and the father had his head cracked, doll-eyes always dark chipped off.

The figure sat up, blanket twisting incongruous hunched shoulders, grotesque.

'Just getting breakfast…’ she whispered.

He swore.

'Don't!…' she recoiled. ‘Don’t!’


'Don't worry...' murmured Til, curled on the floor in her sheets. 'I don't know where I'm going. So it's all right.'

'Wake up, Til.'

'I'm awake...forgot the star...' The sheets tangled his feet. The window-seat curtain, drawn, left the light dim shading the room grey.

'I'm not hungry,'

She sat, pulling legs beneath her and shoved the plate across the floor.

'What're you going to do about school?'

Chin tilted, he looked up - grey skin marred by violet-black bruises across his neck.

'Til,' she said, 'Til, about school.'

'Don't worry,' he said. 'D'you dream too?…'

'Stoppit!'

But he wouldn't look at her. His lip trembled - a moment - his hands shifted restless in the sheets.

'Sometimes,' he said quietly, 'I think I'm the only one, only one to dream. Sometimes.'

Sorry for the delay on critting, my fine Imp, but I finally got it printed out, so I'll get you a crit on Monday, hopefully. ^_^

A critique? No worries at all, DD. ^_^'' Any brief remark is fine as well, You've been busy enough as it is. ^_~ (Livny, Shan...deadlines. #_#)

...That really doesn't mean no one needs to answer. Surely more than DD read it - 82 times?

'Twilight,' she said, 'Sunset and it's ugly.'

Should be:

'Twilight,' she said. 'Sunset and it's ugly.'

Notice the period.

The dusk smudge-shade was gone, his pale face too wan.

Wan is a strong enough word. You don't need "too."

He leaned into the wall, dawn limned his face.

...what? What does "limned" mean?

Weird story... but it's much too vague and can use more description. You can tell because of this line:

She hated him because he could forget.

But what is he forgetting? We're not quite sure why, and we really don't know the nature of this abuse. If you could make it more real to us, the abuse that is, it would definitely make Til's attitude more dreamlike, which is good.

So yeah. Expansion! Always a good thing...

Poor Imp wrote:A critique? No worries at all, DD. ^_^'' Any brief remark is fine as well, You've been busy enough as it is. ^_~ (Livny, Shan...deadlines. #_#)

...That really doesn't mean no one needs to answer. Surely more than DD read it - 82 times?

Ahh... Poor Imp. Now I feel bad for not getting to it on Monday. ^_~

Okay, so I printed it out and went over it with a red pen to get punctuation and spelling errors (of which there were surprisingly few), but I think Snoink grabbed the two that I even noticed.

Snoink wrote:

He leaned into the wall, dawn limned his face.

...what? What does "limned" mean?

Perhaps it was meant to be 'lined'?

I asked my mom and dad to read it and tell me what they thought and there was something of a general concensus - fine descripting, fine flow, confusing plot. Neither of them were too sure of what was happening... heh, neither was I, in some places.

I'm assuming this girl and Til are siblings... apparently they are mistreated (bruises).... the figure on the floor in the kitchen... a father? Something has happened to these children, something the girl can't forget but Til can and she envies this ability. Very good on that.

Great description in the bit about the curtains. ^_^

A crooked figure draped in her star-print comforter lay in the corner. Days of cans and scattered food sat awkwardly on the table as if the setter had had some sense of their incongruity. She forgot not to think...it looked like her broken doll house. It looked like the front room after Nani had thrown her fit; and the father had his head cracked, doll-eyes always dark chipped off.

The part about the doll house is brilliant, Imp, but above that... Days of cans and scattered food sat awkwardly on the table as if the setter had had some sense of their incongruity... - You're saying that she didn't know how to set a table? Why a lack of sense of their incongruity; why not a vague sense of their disarray? (Or something along those lines).

A crooked figure draped in her star-print comforter lay in the corner. Days of cans and scattered food sat awkwardly on the table as if the setter had had some sense of their incongruity. She forgot not to think...it looked like her broken doll house. It looked like the front room after Nani had thrown her fit; and the father had his head cracked, doll-eyes always dark chipped off.

The figure sat up, blanket twisting incongruous hunched shoulders, grotesque.

And here we end up with 'incongruity' (or a form of it) twice in close proximity, something to look at, maybe.

Imp, this is exceptional writing. Perhaps you just want to expound a little bit, get more into these childrens' world and their situation... because a distinct vagueness hangs around it and detracts a bit from the fine writing. ^_~

Hope that's helpful, somehow. ^_^

~DD

Thanks to both of you. ^_^

It is meant to be detached, vague. Perhaps, of course, it's gone almost over the edge...I hoped to reflect the conflict rather than telling. !_! So go the scraps written in an hour.

But thanks very much for the few technical errors. And 'limn'? Never heard limn - either of you?


Dictionary says...

Limn [ME luminen, limnen to illustrate (maunuscript), MF, L] 1. to draw or paint a surface 2. to outline in clear, sharp detail 3. describe 4. delineate


Aside from the issue of limn...

- You're saying that she didn't know how to set a table? Why a lack of sense of their incongruity; why not a vague sense of their disarray?

Disarray - helpful on that. No, she wasn't meant to have been the setter - apparently a bit unclear again? But I noted incongruous myself - rather too close for comfort, two. ^_^

because a distinct vagueness hangs around it and detracts a bit from the fine writing.

Vagueness difficulty...a pattern I see here... ^_~ The vagary was meant to leave an unease, or an upset, as if things were turned wronged-ways - contrast to description, 'lovely writing'. ...I'll have to reconsider a bit if it's off-putting simply. !_!

But what is he forgetting? We're not quite sure why, and we really don't know the nature of this abuse. If you could make it more real to us, the abuse that is, it would definitely make Til's attitude more dreamlike, which is good.

I can certainly see the point, Snoink. I prefer subtle - not saying - my imagination always has more work and fun on implication. Thought doubtless too subtle means losing affecting a reader at all... I'll keep it in mind. ^_^

Thanks again.

IMP

Poor Imp wrote:But thanks very much for the few technical errors. And 'limn'? Never heard limn - either of you?


Dictionary says...

Limn [ME luminen, limnen to illustrate (maunuscript), MF, L] 1. to draw or paint a surface 2. to outline in clear, sharp detail 3. describe 4. delineate

Ahhh...

Sorry about that. ^_~ Heh, you may want to consider changing that for the sake of your less-than-brilliant readers...

I looked up "limned."

You still might want to change the word so it's not so confounded.

And hehe! You can be subtle and detached. What you want to do when you attempot that is be as clear as you can. And I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but you want to create something vague for the readers, so you create a solid image for them to think about. If you wanted something to be less vague, I would suggest being more abstract. It's funny, but you gotta remember -- everything in moderation!

Snoink wrote:I looked up "limned."

You still might want to change the word so it's not so confounded.

And hehe! You can be subtle and detached. What you want to do when you attempot that is be as clear as you can. And I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but you want to create something vague for the readers, so you create a solid image for them to think about. If you wanted something to be less vague, I would suggest being more abstract. It's funny, but you gotta remember -- everything in moderation!

It can be true. Ah well.

'Seems I've read stories - beautifully done - in which the image was constantly changing. Here - then no, changed; then here...shifts again. But then again, slightly different question than this here. Thanks always for thoughts, Snoink. ^_^

You still might want to change the word so it's not so confounded.

Nooooooo.....

It's a lovely word; besides, good writing should stretch the capabilities of the reader - don't dumb it down just because people will have to go to the effort of getting out their dictionary. Ever read Stephen Donaldson's work? Such advanced language you nearly need a translator for half of it, but it doesn't take away from it, it adds to.

Anyway, all relavent criticisms have been made. Great piece, I'm a fan of snapshots. Write more poetry

Every ‘child-abuse’ based short stories I’ve read go too much into detail on bruises and the violent abuse they suffer but you narrowed it down, still leaving impressions on what is going on.