wonderland

Alright, so, good beginning. A couple of things confused me She had a slim, perfect body, she was perfect. The use of perfect twice here didn't work. She was sharp ...

Alright, so, that was, for the huge chucks of text used just telling the reader what was going on, was very vauge and confusing. Clear it up. What exactly happened? ...

Alright, so, Honestly, I didn't like the whole prologue thing. Prologues aren't needed unless it tells you something about whats going on in the story, and yours is messy, jumbeled ...

Alright,s o, I read both parts, just so I could get a sense. So really, I'm just gonna give you my general impression on the whole chapter. So, you did ...

Alright, so, Rosey covered most of the nitpicks, so I'm gonna give you the general impression of your piece. You used too much narration-in a sense that you told the ...

Alright, so, wow. That was very rushed. Very, very rushed. WHat you could do is give each of these events (Leaving LA, meeting her father/new step-mother, meeting her potential love ...

Alright, so, wow. That was really good. Like really, really good I honestly have nothing negative. Your emotion here was just right and I really truly felt it. Yes. I ...

Alright so, I do remember reading the second chapter of this, Unfortunately, I'm sorry to say, but my opinion hasn't changed much. Most of your dialogue seems stiff and forced, ...

Alright, so, I gave this a quick skim, and you need way more description and detail. You should be describing every setting, every thought or emotion that passes through your ...

Alright, so, I liked the first ending better. It shows how your MC is nervous, maybe even scared to answer. I liked that and I felt the emotion. Other then ...

Alright, so, you needed more. You needed more description, and more explanitions. (Example. it's your day for k.p. What is K.P? Why are they in Alaska?) You need more of ...

Alright, so, that was short. That wasn't a story, but just a paragraph. Add emotions around what you have now, and add a backstory. Where they fighting? How long have ...

Alright, so, um, I'm not exactly sure what to think of this. You give some description, but not enough. Something also needs to happen in the piece, some action that ...

Alright, so, slow down. Slow way down. Describe more to the reader, especially with describing the character and her emotions. You moved too fast, and I couldn't get a good ...

Alright, So, wow. Wow, that was a lot. Too much telling, not nearly enough showing, and you need a balance of both. You don't have enough emotion, and thats something ...