sargsauce

The first two paragraphs feel disproportionately out of place. It's two paragraphs of a very careful, slow character portrait and then we're abruptly given action in the third paragraph. Two ...

I don't think anyone's mentioned, but the punctuation for the dialogue bothered me. It was inconsistent. “Derek,” I said Proper. “You loved me.” I said Improper. If you follow it ...

Wholeheartedly agree with Wario. What is the point of this? I understand that every writer has the urge to write just thoughts, but these thoughts you have recorded here aren't ...

Great opener. Pointed and vivid. that they couldn't take hysterical me to identify you because of your face. The "hysterical me" part is slightly off-putting. It took me a double ...

Very general comments: 1) Expand on this. What you've shown us is basically a singular event. We don't understand anything new about the characters besides Rachel is some kind of ...

Well, I read it all. Well, I mostly skimmed it. You've got a great voice. You're really in there with the attitude and annoyances. But you're severely lacking in the ...

You have a good handle on prose and writing, especially for your age. For that, it was enjoyable. However, your choice of overall story arc suffers. This is a breakdown ...

This was, honestly....rather spectacular. Loved it. Maybe I just like gothic-style writing. Anyway, here are my notes: 1) Make yourself a better title. It needs something aloof yet haunting. 2) ...

Your work suffers from wordiness and over-description and complete lack of emotion. Here come the notes: It is light outside but the room being painted black causes the room to ...

General comments: 1) This doesn't go anywhere, but it might have potential. Make it a story, give someone a goal, let there be something to strive for. 2) What's with ...

First: Check your facts. BMWs are European made and thus, as opposed to American cars, do not typically have sensitive steering wheels or pedals. Driving them back to back, one ...

Thoroughly interesting. However, I have a disagreement with it on a fundamental level. Poetry has its place in poetry. Shorter and easier to swallow, so the ponderous pace has its ...

I got about halfway through before I decided to make this comment. It would behoove you to make this more readable. This story is basically 6 HUGE, dense paragraphs. And ...

The Unbearable Lightness of Being The movie (for the older audiences) was ABYSMAL and seemed more like a 3rd grade book report. The book (not necessarily for older audiences) quickly ...

This was written very well, but the grand 10-minute realization nearly slipped past me without notice. Paragraph 1: Great. In 5 sentences, without all these fancy words and endless similes ...