Published August 26, 2010
Before you even ask-Yes! I do have 'Love The Way You Lie' stuck in my head.
~Kit
I couldn’t say that I wasn’t expecting it. The moment he raised his hand, I froze and backed up against the wall.
“You. Stupid. Little. Bitch.” he hissed. I could smell the alcohol on his breath.
“Derek,” I said, “please, Derek, listen to me.” He punched the wall beside me, too close for my comfort.
“Shut up, Taryn.” he hissed. All I could feel was my pain coursing through my body. He hadn’t even hit me yet, at least for the night. He put one hand at my neck.
“What’s stopping me from killing you?” he asked. Tears finally welled in my eyes. I refused to cry. I had learned that lesson early on. Crying would just make him hit me harder.
“You loved me.” I said, staring him in the eye. There it was. He punched me in the face and I let one tear roll down my cheek. He let me drop to the floor and I breathed in and out, gasping for air. My whole body was trembling. I couldn’t take it anymore.
I stood up, pushed my lank, dirty hair from my eyes and pointed to the stairwell.
“Out.” I ordered, my arm shaking. He stared at me and wiped a hand through his dirty blond hair.
“You want me out?” Derek asked with a laugh, “bitch, this is my house. You don’t make the rules.”
“Out,” I yelled again. He grabbed me by the collar. I could smell his breath and I shut my eyes. Please, I prayed, let this be over soon
“I want you out.” Derek said. His next move was unexpected. He pressed his lips to mine. I could taste the beer lingering on his lips. Then he pushed me away again.
“Please.” I begged in a whisper. I think I still loved him, even though he did things like this.
“I want you out.” He repeated and pushed me down the stairs.
Every hit to the wooden stair felt like a bullet going through my body. I screamed as I fell, saw Derek standing at the top of the staris, looking triumphant.
I’ll get you back, you bastard. I wasn’t even sure if I said it out loud.
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140,769 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
hey, d.f.b. here. i liked this story. it was very nice. i liked how you made Taryn think that she still loved him. the last part where he threw her down the stairs was pretty harsh. i was wondering at the end, was she dead, or what? i don't think so, though... well, anyway, i liked it. -d.f.b. out! keep writing.
I don't think anyone's mentioned, but the punctuation for the dialogue bothered me. It was inconsistent.
Proper.
Improper.
If you follow it up with a he said/she said, it's "Dialogue," I said. Note the comma.
Your narration could use a little work to make the events more tense and exciting. For example:
You say it so matter-of-fact that it's not very intense. Color it. For example, you could say, "His fingers wrapped around my neck. And something to the effect that it was threatening." Saying "He put one hand at my neck" is as casual as if he were putting a hand on an armrest.
Sequence of events out of order. The way you have it worded, it looks like, "He punched her. (Still standing) A tear rolled down. Then she fell." When really, what you probably want is, "He punched her and she fell. A tear rolled."
What makes tonight any different from any other night? I assume he hits her often, as given by the "he hasn't hit me yet." Give us something that makes this the last straw. Or at least some internal dialogue.
Whoa, all of a sudden we're next to some stairs. My first inclination was a bedroom. Or a living room. Let us know beforehand. This kinda thing disrupts a mood.
Again, your action is muddled together. This sentence lends us to believe that she's falling and while she's falling, she looks up and sees him standing there. And also that she's thinking or saying those words while she's falling. So that's weird. If you want her to have stopped falling before this happens, then say so.
So overall comments. There's potential. You're trying to inject meaning. But you're coming up short because
1) Generic. Guy gets drunk. Beats wife. Sad as it is, we've seen the story a million times. We've seen the characters a million times. Make your story fresh. Make the narration powerful. Make the events shocking. We don't even know what makes this beating any different from the rest of her beatings. So how are we supposed to know what makes this story any different from other stories?
2) Plain writing. You've gone and said only the bare minimum. He hits her. She cries. She tells him to leave. He pushes her down stairs. We understand no more than that. We get none of their deep feelings. Their complexes. Their complications. Not even her grief, really.
And what's Taryn? I assume we're supposed to guess it's the narrator's name? Or maybe it's the city they live in. Or some ancient Greek tragedy story. Or what?
Lemme know if you have any questions.
Hey Kit,
Your first reviewer has made some very good points, I'll just try and add to what has already been said.
I like the opening line, it's packed with conflict and immediately grabs the readers attention. It also gives us a bit of insight into the MC because she knew that 'that' was going to happen, yet she did nothing to stop it or halt it for a bit.
I don't get why he's hitting her though, he has no reason to...not that you have told us about it. So it's just some guy beating up his wife/girlfriend/sister/daughter...you also don't specify what their relationship is exactly.
Also your character seems so vague, and see-through. She doesn't seem to have any life other that Derek and if she does none of this was hinted on. There was also no mention of how she often got over these attacks from Derek, and why she was still there if he kicks her out every time (I'm assuming this)
The setting is very small but seeing as you're on the stairs, but as your previous reviewer said, there isn't really any attempt at describing the scene. Normally when people are put into situations like this, they starting thinking about random things pertaining to what is happening, maybe the bookshelf, or the curtains...or anything at all. There was a change at the end, where she said, 'I'll get you back, you bastard.' when seconds ago she was talking about loving him no matter what a few paragraphs ago.
I really did enjoy this, although I think there were a few holes in it that should be filled.
Anger
Hello!
This was a very intriguing story and I didn't want it to end so fast!
So, here's some nit-picks:
I really like how dramatic this was, but it wasn't overly-dramatic. I think that at an earlier point in the story though you should have her talk about how she thinks she loves him still so that's why she stays with him, and how she hates when he comes home drunk or something. You had her mention it fleetingly, but it was much too far into the story that it didn't have much affect because it was right before she said "I'll get you back, you bastard."
I would've loved a bit more scene building also, all I know is that she's upstairs in her boyfriend's house. But what does his house look like? It makes it hard to picture when there isn't much description...make the reader feel like they're there. Maybe have her fall onto a bookshelf when he punches her?
Great story, keep on writing!
-Once