sargsauce

Just a suggestion for the opening paragraph of his story. I assume the narrator wants to make it suspenseful. You can use line breaks to this effect. It would also ...

Some thoughts. So I think what one of your basic assumptions is that Dimensions are independent. That you can exist in a higher dimension without existing in a lower dimension. ...

First and foremost: Paragraphs. Use paragraphs. Times to use paragraphs include: 1) When different people speak. "What's wrong with your face?" (some time later) "Fight fight fight" (later still) "Why

The opening paragraph is great. Hook line and sinker. Present tense, second person narrative. You're tiptoeing a fine line between bold/daring and making me annoyed. For the most part, it ...

Rather interesting. It has a fairy tale ring to its tone. The mother shall be described as... The father of the house was a bespectacled A shining dove – Sparrow! ...

Abortion gets over dramatized, really. There's only pain behind it if 1) you're morally against it, but have to or 2) if you want the child, but there's 100% chance ...

Um... Cute little folktale kind of thing. Until the murdering happens. Then it just kind of spirals into a weird darkness. Your presentation is just fine. And the only thing ...

Take this and make it into a story. As it stands now, it's a very long, kinda bland monologue. The first paragraph is okay as it is because it serves ...

I can appreciate what you wanted to accomplish, but there some stumbling blocks. 1) It's very purple-prose-ish. "Purple prose" is a term "used to describe passages, or sometimes entire literary ...

You have a very good grasp on the character. I like that. What I don't like so much is that it's not really a story with a discernible struggle. Really, ...

Bro, don't listen to her (that sounded too familiar...that was weird). Lena, a story will be as long as a story needs to be; what matters is its draw. It's ...

You might want to post more. There is no story here, so there's nothing to critique. If anything, all I can say is that this intro goes on far too ...

Today Natalie should have come to work, but didn’t show up, and doesn’t pick up her phone. That last phrase needs rewording. "She should've come to work...and doesn't pick up ...

I'll just jump right in. (clouds block the sun from the earth; of course they cast shadows!) As mentioned in a previous post or two, the narrator is very solemn. ...

My thoughts continued to stray away from their intended track and I found myself on a thought that always left me dumbfounded when I thought about it. This sentence is ...