sargsauce

Pretty entertaining! The wording is usually pretty good and the suspense is there in your sentence flow. However, there's a slight hiccup. I like the journal format (have you been ...

All right, I'll just jump in. Pardon me if I repeat; I only skimmed the other reviews. Elliot ran faster. Dog barks and shouts can be heard. Come on, man. ...

Pretty good. It's hard to decide how I feel about it overall, though, because there are flashes of maturity mixed in with flat writing. Let me give examples: Who knew ...

Pretty interesting, and great visuals. I'm going to pick on your phrasing and word choice and overall theme, though. Long before I am alive enough to feel it, You open ...

Fantastic setting and mood. All I know is brick, smoke, and flashes of advanced technology. On the way back from the airport...Protected. Sanitised. You have nice words in this section. ...

First thing I noticed? You change tense repeatedly. In chronological order, you have: I looked outside I have already forgotten I looked outside Every night, I lie alone I wanted ...

This was pretty darn good. In the first section, you do a good job of showing us the narrator is a little weird, unstable, and a few cards short of ...

I'm going to give you some very large-picture pointers about how to make your writing more interesting. The numbered issues I address are ones that crop up repeatedly. 1) There's ...

Since the others have thoroughly critiqued the mechanics, I'm going to talk on a bit of a more abstract, higher plane. The mother is a pretty good character. She has ...

Much agreed with Wooster's critique of your wordiness and your "I'm sure you can imagine" stuff. The forty-plus sleepless hours showing like a broadway musical on my face. ...What? The ...

Major points: First: "The End." Don't say that, unless you mean it ironically, like you're spoofing an old-timey movie that usually says "The End" with a positive feeling. If you ...

Pretty good. Your general foundation is good, so I won't bother with the little things. Pain courses through every inch of my body like a wild fire Just a bit ...

First off: It's customers, not costumers. I was about halfway through the story when I realized it wasn't Halloween and no one was wearing costumes. So proofread. Even if it ...

Well, in general, an interesting story. Your spelling and grammar and story direction were good, but there are some overarching problems that I'll discuss. 1) It reads as extremely formal. ...

This isn't a story. It's a list. A list of reasons why you like to wear purple-tinted glasses. I like the "Hello Darling" part. Then everything after that is just...well, ...